The ball is now in their court

[PocketRocket88]

Yep the voices has managed to convince me to ask my friend to stay with someone else for a couple of days. It’s just me and my friends dog for now.  This is what the voices wanted and now they’ve got it. And again the voices was right no one cares no one wants to help me… no one understands or even try to understand what im going thru… I’m in this alone… I guess is a human instinct to be selfish…  right now I’m forcing myself to go to work and hope that they’ll settle down and by the time I finish the wave will be over… im probably on my last few % of actually fighting for my dear life so if this doesn’t work the I don’t know what anymore.

I just need one thing to work today which is get thru this breathing… then probably just probably that will give me a bit of something to hold onto with the hope of it building right back up again until I feel more stable and so that my friend can come back home with me…

hope that going to work to keep safe was a good idea and not a mistake…  the voices are very intrusive and demands my full attention which I’m trying not to hence how this post has come about… 

[Bob_22]

Hi PocketRocekt88,

Thank you for the update. I'm so sorry to hear that you've still been stuggling with suicidal thoughts. Please, if you can, remember to reach out to any of the following services when you need to talk to someone to help with these thoughts. Unfortunately we can only do so much through the forums.

Beyond blue

lifeline

suicide call back service

In the meantime please follow your safety plan if you can. Hope to hear from you soon. 

Bob

[PocketRocket88]

I honestly don’t know what my Local ACT is referring to in terms of a care plan… I myself is not aware of such thing yet everyone seems to know it more than I do…

anyways, last night I’ve attempted on my life. I felt I had nowhere to go to or talk to to but lucky there’s Sonders (a really good service and app, I would highly recommend it) they called the emergency services for me just in time… ambos arrived first (thank God for that coz or else cops will not do a thing or interfere with me asking and needing for help). Anyhow, as the ambos was coming round the corner from mines, cops drove past and so they stopped them to let them know that they got me in the car already that they’re not needed anymore… they asked the ambos to pull over to have a chat with me.. as they went into the ambos they reminded me of what would happen (which was if I contact anyone and they’ve been called that they’ll charge me with god knows what), so I stopped the lady cops in front me and I said that I wasn’t in any state to consent to anything she’s saying but if they want to charge me then so be it, I need help and so I’m going to get one no matter what…. They later turned around and said oh it’s all good their  boss says it ok you can go…

long story short, I stayed in the ED overnight and when I woke up I was getting discharged without being assessed by the mental health team at my local hospital, but I insisted to see them.. anyhow, so I waited and waited and then waited some more until the intrusive voices won’t stop in my head so I asked for something to quiet them down, again I waited and waited and waited some more until it became unbearable that I self harmed whilst in the hospital. Took awhile for someone to take notice of what I’ve done ( I actually had to ask someone to help me). It was only then that a doctor stitched me up and the mental health team came and spoke to me… still not much was done aside from forcing them to give me a scrip for the intrusive voices…

now I’m at work doing a night shift, haven’t bought the meds yet and the voices are in constant loop… I saw the medics here at work and has worked out that staying on shift will be more beneficial to me than going anywhere else… they also cleaned me right up and has advices a light duty for the next few days…

[PocketRocket88]

I can’t stress enuf as to how I’m grateful for my workplace and the people who has helped me thru most of it… atleast it’s the one one place I don’t get judged or seen as someone who is just mocking around with the system…

Unlike others outside of work who suppose to help you but don’t…. Just saying

[Bob_22]

HI PocketRocket88,

I'm so sorry to hear about your night in hospital. But I'm glad that you have some supportive coworkers. How are you doing today?

Bob

[PocketRocket88]

TW SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND URGES

Woke up really early today. I got work later tonight until 7.30 in the morning., The voices in my head is so hyperactive and very intrusive… they’re so loud that it’s hard to concentrate onto something to distract myself with, they’re really pushing their way on top in my head… each time I try to ignore them, they just kept going at me… it’s a challenge right now to steer away from the urge and thoughts when there’s someone screaming at your ear… I guess I have to force myself to sleep again by taking some pills… The voices are so keen , they’ve laid so much good and viable reason why I should plus the master plan is a sure success when it’s put into place… what if I feed the voices with me self harming than putting the plan instead? Would that calm them down? I wouldn’t know until I do it really., so should I just self harm and hope that it’ll be enuf to keep the voices at bay even just for now.,? But then again they would want me to go deeper than I usually do just to satisfy them., so either way, whatever I do to calm the voices down has the risk of taking it too far than before. What do I do now???

[Bob_22]

Hi PocketRocekt88,

Sorry to hear that the voices are becoming so intrusive. Please call someone if you feel you are going to self harm. Can you try any mindfulness until you go to work tonight? Perhaps getting out of the house and doing something you enjoy? Even for an hour or so.

Bob