Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi everyone,

This is not an easy thread to make but I'm doing it because I think it's important.

I can see that you're all hurting and I know because I'm hurting too. Right now I'm in an easier place but it wasn't that long ago where I wasn't. Often we can find lots of reasons why we don't want to be here, and very few reasons that we do. So I'm making this post to bring everyone together to either find reasons to stay or show me why you've stayed. I don't care whether they are small or big reasons. They are reasons.

Please feel free to post below because I want to hear yours, and I want this to be a thread where people who come here can grab onto a reason too.

The reasons why I chose to stay -

- My dogs.

- Planning to die was very complicated.

- I wanted to hold on just in case things got a little bit better.

and now, I'm glad that I stayed. Please know that while suicide will end the pain, it will end your life too - so you'll say goodbye to any opportunities that things might get better. Opportunities for laughter, joy and beautiful memories. Sometimes it's about staying with the pain and finding other ways to let go of it without saying goodbye to our life.

[DogRooster]

Hi all. Searching for a forum where I can just talk. Breaks my heart to read some of this and know I’m here too. I am cooked, broken and the black dog has hold of my heel. So tired of feeling humiliated. As someone said, my family, friends, children and grand children are compelling me to struggle on. Am hitting the bottle more than I should. Retired and have lots of fun times, but I just long for the joy I used to feel. I miss it, and admitting that just snowballs to even more negative thoughts. Funny that one finger typing this has helped.

Empathy to you all. Rooster

[Low]

Hello....unsure how much to say....never experienced joy....safety.....never felt love.....understand the words but not the feelings...tried to finish this a few timed before....have a lot of medical help now & meds.....bottom line is nothing has changed for me.....still wake up every day

[Ggrand]

Hello DogRooster, Low and everyone else,

Yo both sound so down and sad, I'm wondering if you wanted to start your own threads,you've landed on this thread about what's keeping you here which tells me you both require help and the wonderful people here would love to help you by sharing a little of their insight and offering you some suggestions...By making your own thread it will be able to find you easily and offer their support to you...

If you go back to home page then click on all threads, then welcome and orientation. This is where you need to be..but it's also a great help to you if you read those help and guide sections they are the longer red buttons on the home page

Kind thoughts.

Grandy..

[Quercus]

Hello Low and DogRooster and everyone else reading.

Low... you are safe here. The forums are safe. There are moderators who weed out anything against the rules. We can report anything we need to. You're all welcome and appreciated here and cared about.

It takes guts to write. DogRooster I smiled at your one fingered typing. Any typing is a blessing. Noone can help you if you won't ask for help. But it is so hard to do. So thank you.

Grandy gave you the run down on how to create a thread just for you. You can write anywhere ok but having your safe spot on the forums is nice because you decide the topic. Will you think about it? I'd love to get to know you all better.

What keeps me here? Hope.

I haven't been well. Suicide has been tempting. I have a strong medical team. Support. Solid saftey plan. But like you mentioned Low I felt like I was here to just exist. I had decided suicide is not a valid option for me. So I exist.

It sucked. But there's a point. Bear with me please?

I kept seeing my psychiatrist. Telling him I still have the thoughts. I still feel rubbish. What else can I do?

He re tested. Multiple diagnoses. New meds again. This is night one of new med. I'm not myself. But you know what?

I haven't wanted to die today.

Isn't that wonderful? Stuff what the world thinks. Anyone who has felt suicidal KNOWS that's a gift.

I feel relaxed. No miracle world is all rainbows stuff. Just calm and stable and relieved and happy.

So. That's me. What about you?

Do you have hope? That this will eventually get better? it's hard to feel like that I know.

Ask for help again and again and again Low.

Yep it sucks. Docs play trial and error and it is crap because you're a person not a guinea pig. But the reality is anything in the brain is trial and error.

A few weeks ago my friend went to the ER. Almost 2 weeks of trialling options. To the point results driven psychiatrists. Get her stable because she has three kids and is not safe. You know what? she came out with a med that helps. Never perfect. But HOPE.

To anyone reading who wants a reason. Here is one... What if tomorrow is different? What if you knew next year you'd be happy again?

Demand help.

Why should you want to die?

Why shouldn't you be able to have hope?

Yesterday I wanted to die. Today I don't and I feel good for the first time in ages.

End of rant. Welcome to all.new members bravely sharing how you feel. Keep writing please ❤

[Mickii]

My best friend died from suicide. I miss him so much. I wish I could be with him, but I do not want my kids to ever have to feel the pain and sadness I feel whenever I think about him. Sometime though the pain of life is so bad I wonder if I am strong enough to stay living.

[Quercus]

Hi Mickii and thank you for reaching out for support.

I'm sorry you're hurting so badly right now and missing your best friend. Have you got any support offline as well as here? Is there anyone you would feel comfortable showing your post to so that they know how badly you feel right now?

Will you please think about phoning the Suicide Call Back Service 1300659467 as well as talking here? I have phoned them myself. They are trained counsellors and are extremely good at helping you if you don't feel safe.

You mentioned your children too. The horrible thing about suicidal thoughts is we can get into this space where we start feeling like it wouldn't matter to anyone if we left. Even our kids. I've been there too. But it is utter BS. That's depression speaking Mickii.

You have done the hardest part. Recognising that you do matter and need support to help you through your grief. And then speaking up. It takes guts.

What is your plan to protect yourself? Doctor? ER? It is difficult but these feelings are manageable ok. You do need support as soon as possible though.

I hope you can keep writing to us. Have you started a thread of your own so we can talk to you more?

Be safe please.

Nat

[Cambodia]

Just here until my mum and brothers could cope alone. I think about not being here everyday and they are my reminders

[Quercus]

Hi Cambodia and a warm and gentle welcome to the forums. I'm glad you joined in.

I feel like you today. Sometimes knowing we are needed is a good protective factor against thoughts of suicide. But we do also need to find ways to want to survive just for ourselves.

I'm learning on days like today to go to my safe place to keep busy (a place and activity which help me feel ok about me or distract and calm me). Mine is working in my garden. Can you think of an activity that makes you feel ok even some of the time? Or a place that feels safe to you?

I hope you can talk to us some more. You're in a safe place here.

Nat

[IreneM]

HI everyone I've been away for awhile and was starting to get involved with different people groups which began to help me to "FIT IN", but someone had a bad judgement about me and spread this false story about me on something that I never did.

TRIGGER: This business of people making judgements on things that you do not do and going out of their way to make you look evil over something that you never do. Here I was thinking that I was starting to have friends and they have turned out to be enemies. This and many other people who were friends but chose not to be there when it counted, no phone call or text message or anything, has been so heartbreaking.

COPING STRATEGY: But I took a step back took a birds eye view about the rest of my life and thought " these are not the only ones in this world. I have these other people available in other areas who seem to value me in some way for what I can do."

So I turned around and got these other positive areas of my life happening again.

Has anyone else had this happen to them - you take the courage to get out there and get put down?

[IreneM]

HI Daisy

You and Shelley are not alone in feeling disconnected. That feeling can be really discouraging and possibly turn into a suicide trigger.

But it's all about perspective. Like you I am an observer, and I have had positive comments from some people on what I notice or are aware of that they are not. Even if we do not participate in conversation or activities, if we observe and are aware of what is being said or done around us, we can become an asset the to others around us and become part of a team. We may not be something by ourselves, but by making known to others what we notice, we can make things happen with the assistance of others. We have got a role to play somewhere even if it is in the background. Although those in the foreground may be the centre of attention, without those in the background nothing works. It takes all sorts to make things work. I learnt this from my psychologist in relation to conversation.