Suicide ideation

[goldfish_bowl]

I would like to think I would never commit suicide really, I’ve got two children that are my sole responsibility but when I get really distressed like I was last night, I fantasise myself doing it and slowly drifting away and the relief and end to the pain, even how I would do it with what is in my immediate surroundings. So I guess that’s suicide ideation. 

The only reason I hold back is my two children that are my sole responsibility. I feel so helpless , I can’t make anything better and I also can’t escape. Recently I just feel there’s no one I can talk to anymore. I’ve been in a bad state of depression most of the last year and I’m that time I’ve drifted away from people and been socially avoidant. I also don’t get any time away from my kids and they hate spending time away from me and usually guilt trip me when I try and do anything without them. 

I know I need a change of meds and some more therapy but just so hard to sort out . 

Just feel I need to talk about it with someone before I completely lose the plot . 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

I'm so glad you've posted here tonight on a topic that's so difficult to cope with let alone with children as a large ongoing responsibility.  It was my young kids in 1996 that was the reason I survived an attempt. My fathers words that rang in my head earlier was "better being the best part time dad than no father at all".  You are in a different situation but the message of survival echoes around. So let's talk about it.

Last year I had two episodes similar to what you described and that was after a gap of 26 years so, what I've learned is it is imperative we learn how to be safe when these episodes develop. My first episode resulted in me entering my medical centre and stating "I'm not safe, I need help". It was hard, it ran against my need to be alone but it was the best decision. 2 hours of a nurses care and my wife arriving then a plan to review meds and therapy. I was given a 24 hour hotline number where they would have my file on their computer. 

Being bipolar my wife has learned so much about how not to press my sensitive buttons and I feel I can get help. 

How does this seem to you? 

I don't know what assistance you can obtain with respite from your children but that might be available. Would that help?

Here at Beyondblue we are a good source for sharing lived experience and that's one of many avenues open to you. Keep posting if you like, take breaks and when we log on we see immediately that you have posted.

TonyWK