Stuck in limbo

[jsm1974]

I've suffered from depression and anxiety as long as I can remember, so suicidal thoughts have just been part of the landscape for me but I gradually learned to sort of ignore them. Unfortunately I was recently struck by a sort of double tragedy. I'm losing my wife (in the sense that she doesn't love me anymore) due to her own issues with anxiety. She was the absolute highlight of my life and I always treated her that way, but that wasn't enough. I have no support system at all, so I decided to contact one of the only 2 other people in my life who really ever knew me. I hadn't talked to her in years, but when I looked her up the first thing I saw was her obituary.

In the past I could always find some kind of vague sense of hope to keep going, even if it was sometimes only a vague notion that things would get better somehow. Now the only thing that is keeping me alive is the knowledge of what my death would do to my wife, yet every moment of every day consists of me either crying or feeling abject emptiness. Can't die, but can't live either.

My gp, therapist, and psychiatrist are all well aware of my situation. I've been on every class of antidepressant available, including antipsychotics and mood stabilizers, but nothing has any effect on me. I've been referred for TMS and "a certain party drug now used to treat depression" (can't say the name on here). Failing those, my psychiatrist wants me to get ECT, but I don't know how I can deal financially with 6 weeks off work as this would also impact my wife. It's even hard to see the point in any of those, as literally nobody cares whether I live or die apart from the sense of guilt that taking my own life would bring them. Such an odd feeling, given that I wouldn't be around to see the impact anyway.

I don't know why I'm even writing this. Guess I just needed to whinge a bit more despite the fact that it doesn't really fix anything. Having said that, I do feel like if I'm not going to die then I should at least lend my life to someone/something that can use it. Better than just being a net waste of resources.

[Sophie_M]

Hi jsm1974,

We are sorry to hear of not only your struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts, but also the recent loss of your friend and the relationship with your wife. It sounds like there is so much going on right now, we imagine this must be so overwhelming for you. Please know that you never have to go through this alone and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[smallwolf]

hello. I was going to welcome you and then saw your post count. Rather than that, I will introduce myself...

I have been here a while with similar feelings to yours. I am lucky I guess in that I do have some support. I guess that more people know what I have gone through because I told them. Well, it was a bit hard to keep secret. When feeling very low, it is easy to feel as though there is nobody there to talk to. At least, that is how I felt.

I am also sorry to hear about your friend you wanted to reach out to. I know you said there is nobody... is there anyone at work that knows about what you are going through who you could talk to?

It seems you think you have already lost your wife. You also mentioned how much she means to you as well. I suspect you might have though will still ask whether she know what you said in your post. At the same time, in her moment of need whether you can her support?

I know... I ask too many questions!

Please know this is also a safe place to write. Hopefully others will come to share part of their story with you. And you will have some new people you can talk to , and share your feelings with. It takes courage to post here, and if you like, I can chat with you - and it can be about anything - sport, work, music or whatever. Or the questions I posed.

Listening to you.

[jsm1974]

My wife is going through a very difficult time herself, so I have done everything I can think of to help her. I suggested that she take time off work, which she has done. She's also going away for a week on a bit of a mini holiday. I know part of her issue is low self-esteem, so I wrote her a long list of the things that make her amazing. I know that kind of thing doesn't fix the problem, as it really needs to come from within, but I at least thought it might tilt the evidence in her favor. Apart from those sorts of things there is nothing I can do, as she refuses to talk about what she is going through with me or anyone else. She has an appointment coming up soon with her therapist, but her last one was a month ago (because of lack of availability, not her choice). She is also going to start a new anti-depressant, as the last one only resulted in emotional blunting.

As for having people to talk to, I don't really have that kind of relationship with anyone at work. This is mainly by choice, as I simply can't relate to any of them. They're nice enough I suppose, but I don't feel any connection with any of them. Even when I talk to my therapist (and even when I post on here) I sometimes feel a sense of futility. I feel better on some level, but the problem is still there when I'm done and the feeling of torment returns. I genuinely don't know how to live like this, but I also can't bear the thought of what ending my life would do to my wife despite her not really being my wife anymore. I've been through some seriously rough patches with depression in the past, but this is new ground for me.

[smallwolf]

Hi. I am not intentionally writing a short reply but wanted to address one thing in your reply to me...

You said you wrote a list of all the things that make her amazing!

If I am with my psychologist and say asks me a question that is met with silence. There are times when she will give me some suggestions to think about.

To me this can be seen as little different to what you have done.

To put myself or your wife on the other chair, getting these hints is helpful. We can also reluctantly agree - that is, what you have said is correct but is also dismissed. So it takes multiple goes before it starts to work.

If you also look at an app called virtual hope box - it has a word search game in it. I won't tell you yet what is special about it, unless you want me to and despite being sceptical about it initially found that it worked for me. It also takes a few goes before I noticed any change. Food for thought.

[jsm1974]

Unfortunately none of it really matters, as she doesn't really care what I think anymore. I'm not entirely sure what she does care about these days, apart from distraction, but I know (despite what she says) that she doesn't care about me. If our finances were better she would be long gone. She has gone out for the night, which I suppose is a good thing in this case as I broke down crying within about 2 minutes of her leaving and haven't been able to stop since.

[therising]

Hi jsm1974

I'm so glad you came here to vent how you're feeling. Any dis-ease, unease or deep upset, is much better out than in (holding it entirely within). Your sorrow sounds so overwhelming, my heart goes out to you. By the way, if there's one thing I believe we should be allowed to do, it's to feel sorrow for our self at times. Anyone who says to us 'Stop feeling sorry for yourself', is mismanaging our sorrow and how we feel it.

As Mum to a 19yo gal and 16yo guy, I manage mental health differently to a lot of other parents, based on having experienced depression for a decade and a half earlier on in my life. Mental health is big in our house. As I say to my kids in ways 'I wish someone had raised me to understand that life can be deeply depressing at times and if you're sensitive enough to feel your challenges, you may also feel depression. How to feel and manage your way through depression or depressing challenges is important'. So, there's no suppressing our feelings, it's more so about openly discussing them in order to make sense of them and how they've come about. From what's soulfully depressing (sometimes losing a sense of self), what's chemically depressing (such as a lack of dopamine reconditioning us in some way through all these lockdowns we've had in Melbourne) through to what's mentally depressing (internal dialogue there seems no escape from) it's all relevant to how we're feeling life.

I imagine you can relate to internal dialogue being mind altering depressing. With that old scenario of 'angel on one shoulder, devil on the other', sometimes you can feel like screaming 'Where in hell is the angel?', as it can seem so one sided. It can definitely feel like hell on earth when you also have all these questions but no answers. I think it's the lack of answers which makes it so hellish. 'Why do I tick this way? Why do I feel so much, so deeply? Why am I so sensitive? Where the heck is this internal compass people speak of, regarding a sense of direction? Why can't I envision the difference I need? Why do no antidepressants work for me, while they seem to work for others? Why do I feel so broken?' and the list can go on and on, with no answers. I don't think people realise how depressing it can be to have no answers, especially when you've had no answers, revelations or inspiration for years. Years is a long time. The length of time can also be an issue.

Vent as much as you need to. Give yourself the freedom to openly make sense of things.

[smallwolf]

It sounds so hard for you at the moment. You care very much for her by the sounds of it.