Stuck in a cycle and afraid

[confirmed08]

Hey back again. it’s been a couple months now since I last posted and safe to say things have not improved, and in some aspects worsened quite a bit. my girlfriend of one year broke up with me in september and I’ve not been able to forget her ever since. this combined with year 12 exams really took it toll, and now I’m starting to lose sight of anything positive in my world. and I know that’s so selfish and I hate myself for being suicidal. I’ve got so much to be grateful for, so much more than many yet I don’t want to continue anymore. I contacted her for the first time in a month or so on boxing day and that only made things worse. she is so happy, she’s just got a car at 17, a new phone, she looks amazing. I’m happy for her, I always said I wanted the best for her and I did not matter. suppose I got what I wanted. can’t see an end to this cycle anytime soon, and honestly it’s hard to convince myself I’m worth the time and effort to fix anymore. it’s not worth, I’m too far gone, I’ve left it too late

[confirmed08]

ahhh fantastic she posted on instagram. now I feel even worse. god I miss her so much, I just wish I had done more to save the relationship. she looks so amazing. I just want her back man, she was the only person I have ever truly trusted. I’m so sad yet I know I can’t leave, it’d hurt my family and friends too much. I couldn’t pass this pain onto them, but man I can’t bare this. I just wanna scream. I want someone to talk to. I want her

[yggdrasil]

I'm really sorry to hear it's still really difficult man. My advice would be to make sure she's not on any of your social media feeds at the moment (e.g. unfollow her etc.) Eventually you will be able to be friends, and seeing her pictures and stuff on the socials won't bother you, but at the moment it's clearly a really big trigger. I know how painful it is, but these little steps are usually necessary I think for the healing process.

I totally get the lack of motivation, but remember that losing interest in things is a symptom of depression, and I think you need to try and force yourself to do tiny little things you think may help you, even when you feel down and don't have the motivation. Perhaps especially when you don't have the motivation.

You can start super, super small, with just the tiniest things. E.g. if you think the worksheets will help you, start by just trying to make yourself write one sentence, or even just one word on them, then putting them away till next time. Same with the tennis and socialising and stuff. If full on sport or socialising seems too much at the moment, maybe just start super, super small and try and make yourself kick a soccer ball against a wall or something for a few minutes, rather than committing straight away to a league or team competition. I have found that the big changes or improvements in our lives don't happen in big dramatic moments, but in an extremely slow 5 steps forward 4 steps back kind of way.

You'll get through this tough time mate. All the best,

yggdrasil

[confirmed08]

god it’s so hard to even think of removing her on social media. I know it’s absolutely the right thing to do, I scroll thru snapchat, instagram and facebook looking for things from her and her family. I’ve become obsessed but I guess I’m still holding out false hope. she doesn’t care, she doesn’t even care on a friend level.

when we talked at christmas it was entirely about her, she didn’t ask a thing about me. I know all about how she’s been, how her family’s been, how work’s been. she doesn’t even know I have a job. I just want her back so much I’m convincing myself it’ll happen. I’m so lost without her.

I’m going to be socialising a bit the next couple weeks, with work and seeing friends. after this month I’m not sure. I’m so tempted to just cut myself off from them, from everything. I don’t want to do anything, see anyone. I wanna be back home doing nothing (I’m away on a family holiday at the moment). I’ll see how the next two social things go.

once I’ve started something I can usually keep doing it. it’s the start that’s the issue. I struggle to start anything. I should persevere but I question: am I really worth the time and effort. I honestly cannot say I am. I’m sorry yggdrasil this is just like talking to a brick wall. I’m letting you down. it’s a habit of mine I suppose hah

[yggdrasil]

Nah mate you're fine! I've been in the cycle headspace many times myself. Hope the rest of the family holiday goes OK.

[confirmed08]

it went well thanks mate. kinda glad it’s over kinda not to be honest it’s weird haha. hoping I can somehow get outta the cycle but not taking any steps to do so at the moment. maybe soon I’ll care enough about myself again

[Catdadno1]

I’m in the same boat as you’ just about 10-11 years older…. You will meet and fall in love with so many more people. Trust me on that one… try a few podcasts and some games…. That’s what is kind of helping me

[confirmed08]

hi Catdadno1, thanks for the words of encouragement man. trying to keep doing little things like that, I love gaming so that’s always there. hope you’re doing alright mate, you got this

[confirmed08]

I wanna message her so much. I feel like I’m somehow missing her more and more even when it’s nearly been 4 months. she was just perfect, so was her family. she was the only person I’ve entrusted with my feelings. I want her back, but at the same time I’m so angry at her. I wanna tell her how much she’s ruined me, how she just discarded me and never cared about what happened to me. how could she just do that? how did I hurt her that much that she threw me away like I meant nothing to her, like I treated her like absolute shit?

[geoff]

Hello Confirmed, sometimes when people are this age and 'on a roll' they just expect that something else will fall into their lap in a positive way and don't particularly care about what's left behind until they fall, victim, themselves.

I'm sorry this has happened.

Geoff.

[yggdrasil]

Hey mate,

Sorry to hear you're still struggling with these feelings about your ex. I suspect there's a lot on your plate and the breakup has been the last straw so to speak. I remember you mentioned the year 12 exams were a real trial. They must have been so hard with all that's been going on with COVID. Is there any thing else going on that is added to the challenges of the break up?

I still think you should try to avoid your ex on social media etc. I think you need distance for the healing process to start. I also think it's really important to try to find ways to process these angry emotions, and avoid letting them take over. I know how difficult it is, but angry feelings about exes can really eat at you if you're not careful! I've been there! A very common source for these emotions is when you compare yourself to others - it's the easiest and most innocent seeming thing to do, but can lead to all kinds of pain. I think most cultures have folk stories about this danger, e.g. the story of Cain and Abel.

Do you have any creative outlets? Playing guitar or singing (badly) helps me through the painful emotions. I know it's the hardest thing in the world, and the last thing you probably want to hear right now, but I think slowly putting more of your energy into other things, like hobbies, new stages of your life, even going shopping for new clothes etc, the more you'll be able to heal and put this experience in the past.

Remember, no relationship is a waste. Romantic relationships are always challenging, that's part of the thrill, and it takes a lifetime of effort, and trial and error, to slowly learn the skills that make relationships work. The pain you're going through now will help you develop a wealth of insight and experience that you will bring to your next relationship, as hard as that is to imagine right now. All the best,

yggdrasil