Struggling with intrusive thoughts

[Chloe9826]

Hi everyone,

I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts but they do not feel like my own. It has been happening for about 6 months now. My sister committed suicide two years ago and my rational mind would do it or put my family through anything but I feel very trapped. Sometimes I have good days and then every two days I feel very very low. I feel like I talk about how depressed I have been with my boyfriend and I feel bad because I want our time to be happy together. I exercise, try to eat healthy and spend time with friends and dont drink often. I am trying so hard to do all the things i am meant to do. I have been to therapy a number of times but I felt like every week I wasnt getting anywhere and mindfullness kind of makes me anxious, especially when my thoughts dont go away. In my bad states my mind is either depressed and doesnt want to be here or angry at my family. My dad is an alcoholic and also struggles with depression but i get so irritable with my parents and struggle to show empathy. I feel like a bad person. I really want to stop feeling like this but my hope keeps disappearing the longer it goes.

[Chloe9826]

my rational mind would not do it *

[Sophie_M]

Hi Chloe,

Welcome to our friendly online community. We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your sister. It sounds like a tough situation with your parents and it's understandable that you might be left feeling irritable or angry. You are not a bad person for this. It sounds like you have been trying a lot of different strategies to improve how you are feeling - this is really resourceful and strong of you, so well done. 

Can we ask if you are still receiving any mental health support? You mentioned you were in therapy, but that you did not feel like you were getting anywhere. Do you feel that it would be worth trying with a different professional? It's okay if you do not find mindfulness useful, different strategies may or may not work with different people, and you can feel free to express that you'd like to try different strategies with any support people that you might be working with, or might work with in the future.

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

You also might find it useful to take a look at our page, "Feeling suicidal". 

Do remember that if you are feeling overwhelmed by these thoughts, there is always support available. Suicide Call Back Service is a nationwide service providing 24/7 telephone and online counselling to people affected by suicide. You can call them on 1300 659 467 or chat to them here - https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/

However, if at any time you think that you might act on the thoughts that you are experiencing, this is an emergency and you need to contact 000 (triple zero).

Thanks again for reaching out here. Hopefully a few of our members will be by over the next few days to welcome you to our community.