stockpiled potential suicide material - is this concerning?

[mimicry]

i told my psychiatrist and psychologist this and they are not worried, as I said that storing these items is a tangible representation of the control I do have in life, but I am scared that I will go through with it. i am scared

[Sophie_M]

Hey mimicry,

We are so grateful that you decided to reach out to our caring community here tonight, which must have been a really difficult thing to do when you're feeling so low. We can hear how worried you're feeling right now, but please know that you never have to go through this alone. It sounds like these feelings are becoming really overwhelming and tough to cope with, and you've shown a lot of strength in opening up to your psychiatrist and psychologist about this. We hope that you find these forums to be a safe space for you to express your thoughts and feelings, and our kind community is here to help support you through this. 

Please know that there's always somewhere to turn, and someone to talk to during difficult times like these. We'd really encourage you to reach out to the kind and understanding counsellors at our Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636) as well our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) who are always there for you, 24/7, day or night, to talk these thoughts and feelings through with you.

Many in our community will be able to relate to how you're feeling and we hope a few wonderful members will pop by soon to welcome you some kind words of support. If you'd like to post further, please feel free to tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help support you through this.

[geoff]

Hello Mimicry, if you were a family member or a close friend and told me what you have just said, then I would be deeply concerned and listen closely to what you have to say.

I'm by no means a doctor to quantify these remarks but being someone who maybe close to you, this would certainly worry me and ask what your movements are for the day and try to wonder whether or not you are telling me as best as you can.

So to answer your question, yes it would worry me and I would try and encourage you to show me and discuss the situation.

Take care.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi mimicry

I truly feel for you as you try to make sense of such an incredibly challenging situation, one that deeply concerns you.

I'm wondering if you know why you've collected these things.

Not sure if the following perspective will help but I'll offer it anyway, in the hope that it does:

In some ways, I believe we're conditioned to be depressed. I know, intense statement. We're conditioned, in a way, where we forget who we naturally are. As a little kid

• we don't judge our self so harshly. We don't stand in front of the mirror and pick our faults. We do not care about conforming
• we don't live in a superficial way, we live naturally. We live for excitement
• we wonder and question openly until we're conditioned to 'Stop asking so many questions!' We go from being the seekers of reason to being those who are conditioned to accept the unreasonable
• we cannot tolerate abuse until we are conditioned to tolerate it. I find this condition to be the saddest of all

The list goes on but you get the gist. We lose our natural self through our conditioning. Yes, the world is crazy, to be doing this to kids, depriving them of being their natural self as opposed to supporting them and building upon their natural abilities.

Personally, I found coming out of depression to be a process of letting go of a lot of the conditions for living. Being in a depression for about 15 years, to say that it took me a long time to wake up to my natural self would be an understatement. The process of letting go of who we've been conditioned to be can be an incredibly long process in some cases. If we don't know what this often torturous process is about, there can be moments where we just want to end the torture because of its unbearable nature.

The slow or gradual process: To let go of our conditioned self, bit by bit. Let it die off, bit by bit

The alternative: To end the process or let go of everything all at once. This is not something you want to do and I know this because you've expressed 'I am scared'.

To become fearless in letting go gradually, on your return to who you naturally are, is a deeply challenging part of the process. Have faith in your ability to make your way through it.The reward is worth the effort. To return to self acceptance, a sense of excitement, wonder, questioning and reason is worth it. To return to being someone who cannot tolerate abuse and will not, now as an adult, is life changing.

🙂

[smallwolf]

hi and welcome to the forum.

please note that in my reply I am not asking to divulge anything. There was a time when I wanted to end my life, and I was then put onto ADs. The object I was going to use I did not throw out either - whether it would raise too many questions to answer or not? However, like you there was a feeling of control. It might have helped that I did not have any wish or plan in place.

in your post you mentioned your psychologist and psychiatrist so you are also getting professional help and suspect you have tools from them, safety plans etc.

at the worst time I was on leave from work and I also have (still have) an app called virtual hope box which has helped me when ... Talking here also helped. That you have started talking here shows strength and courage. I would hope you might stay here a bit longer and chat more about yourself and be part of this caring community who will share this journey with you.

Lastly, there is also a thread on the forums here called "three things to thankful for today" - there are times when I might browse the last few posts and remind myself there are things to be thankful for.

Peace to you

Tim

[Helarctus]

Hi mimicry,

I deal with a lot of people through my work who confuse worry with concern, they are different and this may help;

I often explain that worry is when there is feelings of anxiety about a problem or issue, and while valid feelings, they don't necessarily mean that the issue is important, urgent or decided.

Whereas concern is more a matter of interest or subject to be attended to, more concern means that the matter is important regardless of the feelings attached.

Being concerned about the stockpile of material as you have described, it sounds like something you have gathered, thought about and considered, much like when an archaeologist researches material at a library. Like a researcher you might pour over your notes as part of checking back on how you arrived at your current position, it is also a good way to check if you are deviating from where you previously thought or felt you were going.

Being afraid is ok, the feeling (worry) prompts the concern and having the stockpile is like having a catalogue of evidence you can review of your previous feelings and decisions, you can then keep adding feelings and decisions to, this is your story to write and _you_ are the hero(ine) of yours.

[bettertomorrows]

Hi mimicry,

I hope you've been going alright and like Sophie said, welcome to this community 🙂 Coming from a place where I recently met with a crisis team to remove potential suicide material, and working with a counsellor and friend to remove anything potentially unsafe, in some way I do relate with what you've shared. I do feel a little like I've lost some sort of control over my life, but I guess I'm glad as well because like you, I was worried if I'd go through with it.

I'm not really in any position to suggest this, but if you feel ready to and your psychiatrist and psychologist are supportive of, perhaps you might want to let them hold on to this material for safekeeping? For me this felt really difficult and in some way it did make me feel down. I'm not sure if this is the case for you, but what helped for me was seeing that I was trading some of my control for a peace of mind and knowing that if things felt a bit rough and unpredictable, I'd be safe at least for a little while more to feel more grounded before making decisions on impulse.

Thank you for sharing so honestly and openly because it has made me feel a little less alone in my struggles today, and I hope that you might find in this community and space that you are not alone too. Please take care.

Boo