so tired of everything

[jumpyjellyfish-]

i haven't been on here for a while but been struggling a lot recently. ive been pretty much forced into recovery from an ed which is causing me a lot of stress and everything just feels really hopeless.

i reach out the start of last year and started going to therapy, it took me a while to open up but when i finally told my psychologist about my ed behaviours i got referred to somewhere else because she didn't treat eds. i still really wish i could just go back and see her because she actually helped me. where i got referred didn't help, was doing fbt there (cymhs, I'm under 18) and finally got offered individual therapy but then my treatment team there suggested i go on medication for anxiety depression and OCD (OCD which literally got 100 times worse after I stopped seeing my first psychologist). and my parents are against medication so now im stuck seeing a third different support person who I don't click with and don't want to talk to.

all of this is making it really hard to abstain from self harming because I just feel so consistently overwhelmed with anxiety and intrusive thoughts and everything just feels like too much. ive also been feeling a lot more suicidal than i was because of all the stress. im safe, but the thoughts do get overwhelming when they steer in the direction of ways i could hurt myself. its not like i think i would even act on them ever really, i still hate the thoughts nonetheless tho.

i wish i could feel better but i feel hopeless.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

thanks

[smallwolf]

i read somewhere and posted it into the quotes thread ... sometimes just making it through the day is enough.

sorry to hear about what you heard the medical staff say. Any self-harm should be taken seriously. If you want to chat about what has been on your mind....

[jumpyjellyfish-]

i like the quote xx and yeah, i wish i hadn't been so dismissed...

just feeling like theres so much going on. gone on a bit of a shame spiral comparing my appearance to what i looked like ironically before my ed about a year ago cus since then she gained weight from b/p ing and feel really out of control. it really isn't helping all the thoughts, and my compulsions ahve been getting a lot worse recently because of lack of treatment for my ocd and stress. my head just feels like a real mess. im exhausted tbh, just want to try sleep and get this day over. i hope that you are going okay, also xx

[smallwolf]

still sounds as though there is a lot on your plate to deal with.

do you have any strategies to help you deal with the negative thoughts?

for example... I have a note taking app on my phone that I use. And if I need to, I can show that to my psychologist. It makes it easier for me than having to remember things and say it when it is already there. The other thing I found with writing it down was that it helped to get it out of my mind.

You also mentioned being under 18... Is school going OK for you?

[jumpyjellyfish-]

sometimes i try writing them down (well scribbling anyways) and ive found it helps yeah, usually I just rely on distracting myself, music and drawing are my go to ones.

school is... school. its okay but lost a lot of friends last year which didn't help everything. at least i have a few close mates. hate the schoolwork but i do fine. glad to be on holidays atm but also need the distraction so idk.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

i hate this. i feel like i can't escape my thoughts. the suicidal thoughts and intrusive thoughts about my family and the people close to me getting hurt are so overwhelming and i wish they would stop. im safe i just never know how to escape the thoughts.

[Sophie_M]

Hey jumpy jellyfish :-], 
Thanks for reaching out tonight,
We're sorry to hear you're struggling to manage suicidal thoughts and other intrusive thoughts. This must be so draining. Has there been a strategy or method you have used in the past that has helped to ease these intrusive thoughts?

Please know that there are counsellors available on the KidsHelpline who can speak with you and perhaps suggest some strategies that might help right now. If you feel up to it, you can reach out to them on phone or webchat here: https://kidshelpline.com.au/

[jumpyjellyfish-]

sort of. nothing really stops them, i usually just try listen to music or something of the sort and zone them out if i can a little. otherwise for now im trying to get the feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness out of my head and writing them all down, it's a mess but that mirrors my head rn so. don't really feel up to talking to khl rn but thanks

[jumpyjellyfish-]

ive self harmed almost every day for the past few weeks and i just don't know how else to cope. i feel like i use all the coping strategies i can think of and then nothing gives me the same relief and then it just happens...

im exhausted and scared and i wish i could disappear. i don't want to do this. i would never act on my suicidal thoughts but it does make me feel terrible having them. i just want some peace from them that lasts more than 5 minutes every once in a while. i want it to all stop. im safe and all, just tired.

[Sophie_M]

Hi jumpy jellyfish :-],

We can really hear how intense these thoughts of suicide are for you right now, and although you've mentioned you're safe at the moment, we would always encourage you and other community members to seek support whenever needed - Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636), Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) or LifeLine (13 11 14), in case you wanted to talk things through in more detail. Please know that you're not alone.