So Tired of Battling My Mind

[NewGirl212]

Hi all,

I want to start by saying how wonderful these forums are, and how inspiring everyone’s journey is.

I’m in a point just now where I’m not actively suicidal. I have no plans to hurt myself, BUT I have found myself wishing a lot recently that I’d never been born. I feel like I can’t take this pain anymore. Trying to quiet the voices in my head is a full time job, and I’m just exhausted.

I’ve battled with anxiety (no meds, no formal diagnosis) all my life, and I have an impossibly high bar for myself. If I make one mistake in something, my whole life may as well be a failure. I’m not like this with other people, just me; my standards for myself far exceed any I would hold those around me to.

I am very fortunate in life, which just makes me feel even worse (like I don’t have a reason to feel this way.) I have a wonderful and loving husband, a very supportive work environment - so any time I feel I can’t go on I end up being even more mean to myself, like there’s people with real problems who aren’t as much of a downer as me.

It’s so hard to battle this inner self critic though. That part of me is so strong, and so mean. Nothing I ever do is good enough for myself. I live in a constant state of comparison, and find myself lacking or coming up short at every turn. I often wish for really horrible things to happen to me so that I would either not feel like this anymore, or at the very least be able to give myself a break.

I do see a counsellor (last 6 years), and she thinks the way I berate myself comes from my parents and my poor relationship with them; I’ve taken over their criticism as I’ve grown, kind of thing.

The struggle for me is that I’ve got all this in life now that should make me happy - my husband, my job - but I still feel like I’d give it all up in a heartbeat if it would take this pain away. That’s so selfish of me, but I would rather have never been born (even if it meant never having met my husband, who is the best thing to ever happen to me) if it meant that I didn’t have to feel like this and fight so hard just to keep going in the wake of all this self criticism.

I’m 30 right now and when I picture the future, instead of imagining nice things, all I feel is dread. I can’t do another 30 or 40 years of this battle - I’ve been doing it since my teens and I’m already completely drained.

If anyone out there can give me some advice about how I can move forward and start truly enjoying my life, I would be forever grateful. Stay strong x

[Sophie_M]

Hi NewGirl212

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your post! We're really glad to hear that you can see how wonderful our forum space is, and that you've also recognised how brave and inspirational the journey's being shared here are (we find it inspiring too) - the support and connections that you will find here are what truly make this such an important plaform for us all.

That being said, we also want to acknowldege your story and how difficult it has been for you, with all the hard work it has taken for you to battle through every day - you really are a soldier and you have been going at this battle for a long time now. You're inspirational too.

We're looking forward to reading some of the really supportive, helpful and heartfelt responses that we know will be coming your way, however, we do also want to puposely remind you that if you ever do feel unsafe, or experience actively suicidal thoughts or plans to hurt yourself, it is important for you to call 000 (triple zero) or call Lifeline on 13 11 14 straight away. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Petal22]

Hi NewGirl212,

Wellcome to our forums and thank you for your kind words.

Im sorry you are feeling this way I understand it would be exhausting for you.

Anxiety is very exhausting in itself especially when the inner voices are very loud.

I have a lived experience of severe anxiety OCD and this time in my life was a very scary distressing place to be.

I believe from having a diagnosis and also being put on antidepressants and then doing a therapy for my condition really helped me to recover.

Have you thought about having a diagnosis?

It must be incredibly exhausting for you to be comparing yourself I understand this would also affect you internally.

Have you ever tried meditation?

You really do sound like your battling but with this battle you could have a underlying condition that only a qualified doctor could diagnose With that diagnosis and proper treatment you could feel a lot better within yourself.

When I was experiencing severe anxiety I constantly felt exhausted and I always felt like I was running from something it was very difficult to live that way but then I was properly diagnosed and I’ve had the correct treatment and now life couldn’t be better those days of feeling that way have long gone.

What you are going through now is temporary and things can get better for you……….

I really hope that you can recover from what you are experiencing and in turn heal and live the life you long for because you deserve it.

[geoff]

Hello NewGirl, hi and welcome.

We are truly so sorry for how you are feeling, but know that with any mental illness we always seem to challenge ourselves, questioning thoughts on why we didn't and why because we didn't have any intention of doing it.

These we can't resolve if we don't have the help to work through them, only because we keep going around and around in circles, accumulating other problems, which normally wouldn't affect us and making our situation become more complex and much harder.

When negative thoughts overpower any positive ones, does mean that help needs to be sort and there should never be any embarrassment because even the most brilliant people who have been struck done by anxiety/depression have asked for help.

People suffering may seem to be selfish, but it's this illness making you be this way, it doesn't allow any latitude either way, only because your mind is not thinking clearly, it can't under all of this pressure.

All people in life do have things that happen they wished wouldn't, but they are able to work through these problems and then accept or deny the outcomes in a sensible way, but when you are struggling, the magnet keeps drawing you to the negative side, that's what you don't want.

Truly medication can help you, I've been taking it for years and wouldn't be without it, and honestly feel no disgrace by saying I need it, so can we please urge you to consider what your doctor suggests.

We really hopes this has helped you and would dearly love to hear back.

Geoff.

[Guest_2400]

Hi NewGirl212

Thank you for sharing. I have anxiety and depression (diagnosed) and have been on medication all my life. I also have arthritis, I'm only 48, but the arthritis is severe and chronic. It reduces my mobility.

You shouldn't feel guilty or blame yourself. My parents put me down every day of my life and up to now, I'm 48 remember, my mother is still doing it. According to her, I'm bad tempered, vengeful and vindictive.

My psych told me not to take my reference point from my parents because they have their own problems. He advised me to move out of home and it was the best decision I had ever made in my life.

When I moved out, I had not a single piece of furniture and I lived on raisin bread and tinned soup.

Don't ever blame yourself. If you had a friend who was going through what you are going through, you would show them compassion. So, you should be kind and compassionate to yourself. It's not your fault.

I have also learnt that things in life are not permanent. It is very unlikely that you will continue like this for another 30 years. Things will change. Even if you can't see how at the moment.

My psych says there's always hope. Even if you can't think of it or see it at the moment. I also remember reading once somewhere, "And now these three remain, faith, hope and love. And the greatest of these is love"