Recurrent thoughts

[ktac1689]

Hi all, 

I have generally been managing ok, keeping negative thoughts at bay and maintaining a reasonably positive outlook. I see my psychologist monthly at the moment. I know suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, that people would miss me, that my pets need me etc. Generally all of that plus various activities in my life have helped keep me positive. Lately though that little voice in my head has been getting more demanding and I have been finding myself having thoughts again that I shouldn’t be here. I work to ignore these thoughts but it is really hard. Will this ever end? 

[Sophie_M]

Dear ktac1689

Thank you for posting today. We're really glad you've come here to share, even though you're struggling so much atm (even more so because of it).  

We're a bit concerned about your well-being and safety though, so we've sent a private message to your inbox.

ktac1689, if at any time you feel that these thougts are getting so strong that they're starting to  overwhelm you, please don't hesitate to all 000 (triple zero) or take yourself to your nearest Emergency Department for mental health care.

Please let us know if you've ever done a safety plan, and what you've done in the past to get yourself through difficult times such as these? We know you have, and we want you to pull on all that inner wisdom and experience you have inside of you....

All that being said, we'll leave you in the hands of our beautiful online community to wrap their virtual support around you.

P.S. We'd love you to contact us - so please don't hesitate to call us anytime (24/7) on 1300 22 4636 or via web chat to get some brief counselling support and/or to debrief these feelings that can become so overwhelming for us at times.

Kind regards,

Sophie M
 

[therising]

Hi ktac1689

I feel for you so deeply as you question, while trying your absolute best to manage. To say this can be tough at times is a serious understatement. 

Personally, I'm a gal who's a major 'feeler', I feel pretty much everything or that's how it seems. I'll feel the impact of my inner dialogue, the impact of other people's depressing, angering or inspiring words, myself under pressure, the fear of not being able to manage people/situations/time shortage, other people's emotions, my needs (esp the seriously nagging ones) etc etc. Not sure if you can relate but being someone who's sensitive to feeling so much can become hard work at times. Getting an accurate feel for things is also not easy.

Lot's of questions on the quest to know our self better. Am very fortunate to have come across of few guiding lights along the way. After having meditated some time ago on what sudden down shifts could be about, what came to mind led me to question one of my guiding lights. I asked 'Is it the downshift feeling that tells you you've just entered into a significant challenge?'. Her response, 'Spot on'. What that challenge is remains questionable. Once you work it out, you can feel the up shift through the revelation. I suppose you could say you can feel yourself graduating/rising to a new level of consciousness or awareness.

Some of the not so obvious challenges can involve

Mind: Figuring out where the inner dialogue's coming from? Is it a part of an outdated belief system/mental program that needs to be moved to 'the trash folder'? Is there a desperate need to install a whole new program?

Body: Possibly feeling depressing chemistry, involving a deficiency of some type? B12, iron, thyroid, sleep related, nutritional? All will impact energy levels. Sometimes, the only way to feel a deficiency is when it reaches depressing levels

Spirit: Figuring out what's basically soul destroying? A depressing lack of inspiration? A depressing lack of adventure (a lack of adding ventures to life)? Are we simply repeating the same old ventures with the same old people? 'The need for change' has a definite feel to it

[ktac1689]

Thank you Sophie,

I have a safety plan and have been working to follow it such as keeping busy, calling certain people, listening to music, going for drives and the like. It is not really helping though.  These things I have done before and it has helped to get me back on track. The thing is, I just don’t feel ‘right’. I don’t know if I have ever really felt right, I always feel like I am abnormal and just not meant for anything in this life. Yes I know this is defeatist but it is just how I feel. I feel there is no point to anything. 

[ktac1689]

Thank you 

[therising]

Hi Ktac1689

I can recall the moment I came out of depression, 17 years ago. I was so shocked when I discovered what 'right' felt like. As far back as I could remember, I'd never felt it before, this 'right' feeling. So, to put a different spin on 'I don't know if I've ever felt right', you know once you feel it, while feeling everything that was wrong (all along) at the same time. For me, it was like waking up from a deep sleep to feel everything, to feel everything I saw, heard, thought etc. To feel colour, sound, and what played around in my imagination, to feel another person's joy and pain, elation and sufferance (as if it was my own) is incredible. I had awoken to feeling/s, something we're conditioned to suppress.

While that paints a pretty picture, what followed was not pretty. After all those years of not being my true self, not being/feeling right, I found myself being conditioned out of being me again. The reason I say 'again' is based on me realising what most likely happened the first time around, when too young to remember. At 35 and freshly out of depression, I found people telling me I was too sensitive, too happy, too wonderful (full of wonder) and not serious enough etc. I was being told what to do, how to behave, what to think, who to be, while being ridiculed along the way. So I toned my self down, so as to please and fit in all over again. I suppressed and became depressed. I had stopped feeling right, feeling me, and it broke my heart. Eventually, I found an amazing guide in life who set me back on the right path.

To have been on both sides of the fence, to have felt what 'wrong' and 'right' feel like within myself, I cannot help but wonder whether you are feeling/sensing 'wrong', without being able to sense what is exactly wrong.

I believe, to find and feel the point to everything is one of the ultimate challenges in life. I discovered, over time, the more you practice your ability to find the reason for everything, the more reason-able you become. A tip: Find those who question along with you, not those who shut you down.

[Petal22]

Hi ktac1689,

Im sorry you are feeling this way and experiencing these intrusive thoughts I understand how distressing they can feel to the one suffering them.

Im glad you are seeing a psychologist but have you thought about going to your gp and discussing how you are currently feeling and the thoughts you are experiencing?

Have you been able to open up to your phycologist about the thoughts you are experiencing?

You ask will this ever end? I’m here to tell you … yes it will but you need to seek the correct professional help and try to be open with your health professionals so they can help you to navigate this.

I have a lived experience of severe anxiety OCD and I experienced horrible loud intrusive thoughts.

After receiving the correct professional help that I needed these thoughts did eventually lift.

Please come back to us anytime.

[ktac1689]

Hi therising,

Thank you so much for your reply. What you said resonated a lot with me as the last week I think I have started to feel things. Not everything yet but definitely more than I was. My psychologist is wonderful and helping me to get past the depression that has almost crippled me for the last 2-3 years. I think I have caught a glimpse of what feeling ‘right’ feels like. I have been reminding myself that I deserve good things to happen, that I am human, that my inner child deserves kindness and compassion. 

It is a long long road and lots of pitfalls. I still think daily that I don’t want to be here and that it would be easier to just end my life but at the same time it’s not. 

I am sorry you found yourself being conditioned out of you again, that would have been really hard. I am so glad you found an amazing guide. I am not sure if I am sensing wrong without being able to sense what is exactly wrong but it is definitely a possibility. I really like what you said about practicing my ability to find a reason for everything. Thank you, I will practice this and work on this. Thank you again. 

[ktac1689]

Hi Petal22,

Thank you for your reply. I don’t have a GP right now but I am working to find another one that I can trust. I saw my psychologist last week which was really hard but at the same time it helped somewhat. She is definitely helping my realise there is life beyond depression, intrusive thoughts and feeling that I don’t deserve to be here. Still a ways to go though. I was able to open up somewhat and she is aware of how I feel. I know this will eventually be over, that how I feel now will not be forever. 
Thank you. 

[ktac1689]

Hi, I have been working so hard to improve myself and get ahead in this endless mental health journey. I have worked to join groups and the like to meet people and have met some good people. I have been studying and going ok. Work though has been so busy and I have been feeling so stressed and tired but again working with it. Over the weekend I had such vivid dreams about work of all things and woke up thinking they were real and I had missed things I should have done…. I have a psychologist but only see her monthly and I don’t feel I can bother her in between sessions - I have sent emails occasionally and feel it is not the done thing. 

Over the last couple of weeks I have really felt I am reacting to things so much more and feeling way more emotional than usual. Little things have set me off like someone ignoring that I said I was not ok. Feeling like people are being short with me when they likely are not. Feeling like no one cares and there is no one I can confide in even though I have some good friends. Feeling like I can’t get on top of my housework. I know part of it is due to being tired but it is more than that and I don’t know how to fix it. I am feeling right now that it is too much to work to fix it anymore and things will always be this way. I feel like I can’t keep trying and I am not sure I want to. Thank you for allowing me space to share my thoughts.