Vent and then let it go...

[Guest_1055]

I can't do this stupid life anymore. I just need to write this out. Because sometimes it has helped me on the past. Just to shout it out on words. I HATE THIS.. LIFE. The pain keeps happening over and over again. I cannot deal with it. Tears are in my eyes, frustration, aloneness, maybe bitterness, I hate that emotion. Just go in the name of Jesus. I forgive him. It hurts, please heal me. Where does my help come from. The maker of heaven and earth. I hurt Father God. I hurt. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Guest_1055,

Sorry its taken me a while to get back and thank you for bravely sharing your story. You have been through a lot and have a very compassionate heart. I am glad you have your sister to talk to and feel as though the distance is closing. I didn't see you mention it but have you thought about seeing a counsellor or mental health social worker?

Hope you are ok.

Bob

[Guest_1055]

Thankyou Eagle Ray and thankyou Bob. Thankyou for listening to me 

[Bob_22]

No worries Guest_1055, anytime.

[Guest_1055]

I hurt, so very sick of not being able to manage it. There is no where to go in this house. He hates me.
I surrender all. I can't fix it, whatever it is. I know You can but it feels like you are not doing that. All I seem to know is how it feels. I cannot remember what I have learnt previously because the hurt pain is speaking so very loud. I don't even know what you call this hurt emotion.
 
Trying to remember the upper place. Because that is where I belong.
 
Sensation of heaviness, overwhelming. I ran in the sand. Kept running near the water. Only for a few minutes. Somehow all the yuck, all the heaviness, all the sadness, and whatever else was there. Somehow it fell behind me or off me as I was running. The place I found myself was the upper place, as that is what it seemed like to me. This is where I belong, this is my true home, no strifing here, such a sense of belonging this place. So restful and free. My soul aches for it. Please take me there God. I ask in Jesus name . I am knocking hear my cry my heart is overwhelmed. Tears are many as I write. Existence on this earth is hell without You. I cannot live here.
 
Feeling so very desperate. The longing is intense. It is as You say. " As the deer pants for the water so my soul longs after You"

[therising]

Hi Guest_1055

You are such a loving, soulful, deeply feeling and compassionate person. You are someone so beautiful, in a world that can feel so harsh at times. This world is blessed to have you in it.

One of the hardest factors to deal with, when it comes to having such a beautiful nature, can be a lack of self understanding. Having had this nature since you were young, I wonder if anyone gave you direction in how to manage such an incredibly powerful nature. Wondering if anyone mentioned

• As you go through life being someone who feels so deeply, new emotions will come with new experiences. While resisting feeling them or suppressing them may be the urge (based on what we're taught), identifying exactly what those emotions or feelings are telling you can be key. All feelings are telling. Whether it's a sense of 'overwhelming soulful heartache', a sense of 'a deep thirst for soulful connection' or a sense of 'an incredible longing for self understanding', it kind of becomes about 'coming to your senses' or developing into your senses - understanding them, mastering them, relying on them etc
• For someone who feels so deeply, social anxiety is understandable. Besides the fear of stepping out, there can be other challenges at play. Being someone who feels intensely, entering into an environment where noise/sound feels overwhelming comes with challenges. Entering into an environment with a lot of degrading people is also a challenge for someone who can feel degradation. Entering into an environment where there's so much suffering going on can feel like a physically painful experience. To feel someone's heartache can mean you feeling what the ache in their chest feels like, as though it was your own pain. Managing what you feel is so important for self care
• Emotional detachment is said to be another key for someone who feels so deeply. From pure analyst through to pure feeler, the range is great. While 100% detachment from a degrading egotist may be the call (so that we don't have to feel their words), 50% detachment from someone who's suffering so deeply may see us feeling how they feel while analysing or sensing the best way forward for them through and beyond their challenge. You become their deeply feeling guide

[Guest_1055]

Thankyou the rising

No no-one showed me how to manage deep emotions and feelings the right way. Whatever that looks like. Growing up emotions and feels were pushed down not addressed at all.  I learnt to do this by example I am sure.

Then when I realised that God was real and He touched my being somehow. Sorry if this makes you uncomfortable me talking about God. I don't really know if it does. Things changed in me. Like my being started to open up. Circumstances in my life were really hard. My emotions exploded from me, which felt quite scary

 Especially anger. Never really felt it before. I had to learn what the emotions were called. Still don't think I know them all. Nor do I fully know what to do with them. I can feel so many emotions at once and it is so so heavy. Tears now even writing this. 

Not sure if you know God or not. But literally my soul feels so thirsty for Him.

About the identifying what the emotions or feelings are telling me... is tricky for me. My sister and I were talking about this the other day. Like you feel the emotion of fear if you are faced with a tiger. That emotion will cause you to act quick like to get away. It is a useful fear. I understand that. 

I know that the sensation of physical pain tells you something is wrong in your body, an indicator of sorts. So I assume that painful emotions are an indication of hurt in the soul of us. 

Think that is as far as I understand it. Just basic. I know there would be more.

It feels like a real person woke up with that explosion I was talking about earlier.

I accidentally stepped on a baby kitten when I was growing up. It died. I remember seeing my mum put a pillowcase over its head. The little kitty didn't look right. I know I hurt it badly. At the time I felt a sick feeling in me. And was sent to school with this sick feeling. No when I think about great sobs are in me. Crying now. The though of me killing this sweet kitty hurts a lot. I don't think I could cry back then. No writing this makes me cry.

Not sure about the emotional detachment thing. 

I really do thankyou for replying to me. I feel understood a bit more by another soul 

[Guest_1055]

This just happened

Started talking to S, he listened for a couple of minutes. Then I sensed he couldn't listen anymore. Said I don't want to talk your ears off. Then he said there is something I need to do for myself. He said it abruptly, almost harsh like. I then felt a sad pain, didn't like it. Then I walked away and heard my voice speaking to me. I am just a nuisance to him. Sad pain then felt more intense. 

I attempting to analyse this, because " why did I say I was a nuisance to him" His body language may had said it. Bit it may have been another message and I have understood it wrong.

The nuisance feeling starts to feel like " he doesn't love me" in the past. Hence why I am writing this.

[therising]

Hi Guest_1055

I think when we wake up to this force we may call God, The Universe, The Source or something else, it changes you in the most amazing ways. Maybe it's what we felt when we were very young, perhaps 2 or 3 years old, before we could remember. It was when everything appeared as incredible to us, wonder led us to ask so many question with such an open and enthusiastic mind. Perhaps it's when we felt so much before we were conditioned to feel less. It was when we perhaps begged for excitement and adventure ('Can we go here/there? Please, please, please!'. It was when we didn't recognise our individuality, as we just felt connected to everything, from people, to plants, to butterflies and even the sky. Then it kind of feels like we spend years or even decades longing for that reconnection, the feeling of life itself. It becomes a quest with many dark and confusing paths and paths of light/enlightenment here and there, all intermingled in a landscape of uncharted territories we call 'Our life'. It is map like in ways.

It is said that our ability to feel is our compass. We carry it with us from birth. How to work it or figure it out is key. Can definitely feel when things are heading south, compared to what 'true north' feels like, when something just feels so right.

That incident all those years ago with the kitten tells you who you still are. The fact you feel the way you do towards that kitten tells you that you are highly conscious, deeply caring and loving and that you share a oneness or wholeness with other forms of life. One who is less conscious would not care, does not love in the ways you do and does not feel when the whole loses a part of itself.

I would agree feelings are the language of the soul. Like with any language, there has got to be some kind of dictionary we create, one that defines the language with a meaning behind every emotion.

[Guest_1055]

As I was thinking about the kitty from way back. Reliving it. I did not feel anything at the time ,just the sick feeling. I remember seeing my mum's face. Now I went back and comforted the girl in my memory. Bending down to her height,looking into her eyes, Saying it's all ok with a calming gentle voice. You didn't mean to it was an accident. Then feeling arms around me holding me until the tears stopped. Gentle brushing my tear stained face.

[Guest_1055]

I will ponder all you said the rising.