"disqualified as a human being"

[ashi]

i recently read a book called 'no longer human', and unsurprisingly, i found the character very relatable -- excluding the misogyny and some political beliefs.

i went to some kind of mental health professional(s) multiple times, school counsellors and an external psychologist. i really hoped they'd find something wrong with me (ironically) but i was always marked off as simply having a 'phase'. they didn't phrase it like that, however, that's exactly what it sounded like.

so if i'm not mentally ill, am i normal? it certainly doesn't seem like it's 'normal' to go against the typical nature of a living being and begin self-destructing for no particular reason.

no, i don't harm myself, i'm scared of pain. but living is a hellish cruel pain.

"disqualified as a human being" is a quote from 'no longer human', and it perfectly describes how i feel. i feel as if society has some secret inner joke that everyone but me was born with the knowledge of. acceptable behavior, code of conduct, social etiquette, MORALS. it really feels like i've failed to even fulfill the basics of living.

it's less "i want to die" and more "living is absolutely not for me"

i have a lot more to talk about, but that doesn't belong here. i apologize if this doesn't sound much about suicide.

[Croix]

Dear Ashi~

Welcome back to a place where you are regarded as being very human and part of a larger community that understands.

Ōba Yōzō is not you, he is a person who may have had some alienation for others, but it goes much further than that. The book emphasizes all the bad things that can happen to someone, but leaves out one vital part of life -kindness.

You have to realize it was written right after the war by a society that lost the war, Japan, when suicide was not regarded as the same way as today in that country. If it had then Ōba may have tried other ways to make life better.

It is very common for adults, and professionals, to discount the feelings of younger people, which is terrible, age does not lessen pain

BTW what makes you think death is a new start? I certainly don't.

There is no "inner joke". People get on the best way they can and if you do not click with than that's OK, they probably have not had your experiences. Who you are to yourself is more important. Look for the good things you do, the strengths (such as surviving all those clinical interviews) you posses and you literary knowledge.

OK, ATM you do  not know how you can fit in with others, equally you do not know you will not later. Others will feel the same and may be looking as hard as you -and feeling the lack so far. So it can be a two-person process, you and an unknown other. They do not have ot be at the fringe of society as Ōba found in his (fictitious) life.

You can write a new ending in your mind for "No Longer Human", just turn over posssible more pleasant scenarios in you mind.

Others, like here, will understand your feelings as similar to thier own , and many can point to a better life. I for instance went to 8 different schools in 3 countries and so was always the outsider despite putting on a brave face. It was not until I left school and joined a broader life things improved.

Hang in there Ashi, you will always be welcomed here.

Croix

[therising]

Hi ashi

In order to make greater sense of who we are and how we tick we can go to a number of different people in our life. We can take a number of questions with us, in the hope that we'll find relatable answers to those questions. If no one holds the answers we seek, we may remain none the wiser in some ways. In other ways, we do become wiser. We learn that not everyone has the answers, not everyone understands our nature and not everyone acts as the right or best guide for us. In the overall quest for greater self understanding, we can learn one of the most empowering aspects of our nature, we are a seeker of knowledge and one who longs to evolve. 

I've found the quest to 'know thyself' (as Socrates put it) is so very hit and miss, when we're relying on others to help us. I think this is based on how we wish to know ourself, from what perspective. If we wish to know ourself mentally or psychologically, we'll perhaps visit a psychologist. If we wish to gain greater self understanding in regard to how we tick physically, we may visit a physician or someone who has knowledge of our biology, chemistry etc. Who do we go to if we wish to know our natural self, beyond the basic mental and physical aspects that go toward making up who we are? While there is great knowledge to be gained in all three areas, to neglect one or two of those areas can leave us with an incomplete picture. With this incomplete picture or lack of overall clarity, we can be led to the false belief that there is something wrong with us. The truth remains, we have not yet come to know our entire self. 

I've found 'In what ways do I wish to know myself?' is a key question that can help unlock the way ahead and point us in the direction of the best guides. These guides are ones who not only show us the way forward but also help shed light on what can be so difficult to see in the dark.