Pressures from friendships, family and school are making me feel so alone.

[hellohi]

Hi,

I feel very alone and I feel nobody wants to hear me. I try to talk to my parents as much as I can about everything stupid to important, but they don’t understand or respect my opinion. They always taunt me and they are never satisfied with whatever I do. I can't talk to them about how I feel. They would never show me their affection, they never hug me, or give me a proper response for my special moments or properly spend time with me. They avoid me. I don't have a strong relationship with anyone.

I know I am very overweight and extremely ugly, I have to put up with it myself every day of my life. I hate the way I walk, talk and I am dumb in everything I do. So many times I have known the answer or have an idea, but I cannot say it out loud in class. I am fine with sharing things with my friends and sometimes other students in my class, but even with them I feel ignored and alone, as I cannot keep up with things going on in their lives, they all have social media and I don’t and they go all travelling and I have never been out the house except to go to school. Or they simply don’t want to talk to me because of my ugly looks and lack of popularity. There are students in my class who everyone respects because they are good-looking not caring how rude they can be, everyone tells me being beautiful in the inside is more important, but no one cares about being kind. I feel so out of place.

I try my hardest to look skinny, I wear clothes that I think will help me do that, I try to keep my things clean and tidy and I try to be nice as much as I can. Nothing works, I always feel the same; alone and stupid. I don’t want any of my friends and family to know about how I feel. But with my parents, my younger brother and my friends ignoring me and making me feel alone, make me think about suicide and I can't sleep during the night or wake up early in the morning.

I don’t feel loved, happy or accepted in the people I am surrounded with.

I feel weak, alone, misunderstood, ugly, sad, confused and a burden on everyone. I feel confused as I got no idea where I want to work. I feel stupid and sad because my grandma has breast cancer and I haven’t seen her, all I have done is make her miserable, I want to talk to her which I can’t do it through a phone call, because at that moment I don’t want to say and I don't know if she wants to talk to me.

Maybe I am overreacting because so many other people go through worse things than me, but this is how I feel

[ecomama]

Helloooooo Neerja

I am spoilt! TWO posts lol.

Yes my friend T is very determined and headstrong. I can't bring up treatment with her because she's not stupid AND I have to respect her wishes. The research for having more treatment a second time is not good.

So I will visit her probably monthly or so when I go back to work, which is in a few days.

My Psych friend told me yesterday that I need to spend time with my other friends and not put all my focus on T only. I cried. But I know she's right. So I braved it and texted a friend R whose marriage of 40+ years just broke up. She decided to end it. She's doing well, or better now.

She said she'd love to go for coffee. In ALL the 40y I've known her, we have never "gone for coffee" lol!
I don't drink coffee anyway! LOL that could be the reason. I only drink Herbal tea with honey. Atm I'm into Pomegranate tea. Very tasty. I also drink Ginger, Turmeric, Ginseng teas, the list goes on.

I really hope your dad lets you get a job. It would be SO good for you.

I don't really watch Movies. I have in the past, but lately no. I get too agitated and need to move lol. I have some form of hyperactivity lol. Both my Nana's were the same. Maybe all of them who knows.

My kids LOVE movies. Disney too. My American boyfriend grew up VERY CLOSE to Disneyland AND Hollywood lol, in San Diego. He LOVES everything Disney and loves movies. Yes we're back together lol, apart but "together".

If I HAVE to sit down for long periods then I do cross stitch, crochet or knit.

OMG guess what happened today? I was driving home after dropping one son (on his L plates) to his gfs house. And I passed a bunch of things on someone's lawn. There were HUGE garden pots (I thought were plastic) and I kept driving past. Then I stopped, turned around and went back. Neerja! What a find! They were terracotta pots and HUGE. I don't like plastic pots. And 2 Grecian style pots and a BEAUTIFUL Asian styled pot stand all in perfect condition.

I loaded them all up in son's car and brought them home lol. Eldest D LOVED the Asian stand, so that's hers now lol.

I'm getting better all the time. I'm sure your Prayers and all your good wishes are working lol.
Thankyou. It helps alot. Specialist rated me as not urgent so that's a good sign.

I bought youngest D a new bed and mattress with her today. She couldn't fit in her bed anymore because she grew so tall. She wants to put it together herself, that's great! That was fun today.

Love EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

You are right, you have to respect your friend's wishes, I deeply hope she feels better.

I am glad that R is doing better now, that is really good. Wow! 40 years! I never had pomegranate tea or the fruit, but it sounds amazing, you drink many different types of teas! Tumeric tea is really nice. Do you like Cinnamon tea? I hope you have an amazing time when you go out for coffee or tea, lol.

I think it will be fun to work in Officeworks if I get the job and my parents let me. I could ask my school counsellor to ask/convince my parents, lol.

Do you watch tv shows? I am really lazy, so I am completely opposite to you, lol. Once I tried knitting, I gave up immediately, lol. Is cross-stitching, crocheting and knitting hard? You do so many things, MULTITALENTED EM!!!!

Wow, it would be amazing to live near Disneyland, I hope when things get more controlled and better, you get to go to Disneyland. When you do, you have to tell me all about it! LOL

I AM EXTREMELY GLAD THAT YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND ARE BACK TOGETHER AGAIN!!!!!!!!! THAT'S AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOW THE GARDEN POTS ARE ASTONISHING!!!!!!!!!!!! The garden pots sound wonderful, I love the patterns and designs of Grecian and Asian styled garden pots, they are so beautiful and distinctive. In VIC, garden pots are really expensive. Why would anyone leave awesome pots outside?!?! That is such an amazing find, yesterday was your lucky day!!!!!!!!!!

I am really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really glad that you are feeling better. I am going to keep praying for your healing, happiness and wellness.

Lol, I am not growing, I am short, 168cm, lol. I wish I could grow taller to about 175cm, lol. It is good that your daughter grew so tall and that she wants to put her bed together by herself. Buying a new bed and mattress does sound fun!

I hope you feel a little better every day. Sending you love, well wishes, prayers, virtual hugs and every kind of good energy to bring you back to good health as soon as possible.

Your friend,

Neerja

[hellohi]

How has today been for you?

Warm wishes,

Your friend,

Neerja

[ecomama]

Hi Neerja

Thankyou for all your Prayers and warm wishes. I wish the same for you too ofcourse.

I've had a busy topsy-turvy day but okay.

Eldest D invited us all around for dinner and bought take-away, I doubt she'll do THAT again in a hurry lol!
It's very expensive buying take out for us all.
But it was lovely all the same.

The bed and mattress is on back order (like most things lol "due to Covid"). So we don't know when it will all be delivered yet.
I have to buy a screw driver set to put it all together. exH stole every tool I owned plus anything else of value, so I'm buying it all new and bit by bit. Only the tools, most other stuff can't be replaced. He broke and damaged everything else.

It's rotten really, but we're okay which is the main thing.

I KNOW THE POTS omg Neerja so crazy.
Last year I was driving past a man taking so many pots out to the curb. I stopped. My kid's eyes rolled lol.
My bf was on the phone and was telling me not to talk to the man lol. I did anyway. He gave us about 20 POTS!
We had to make 3 car trips in 2 cars lol.

Eldest D Googled similar pots for sale and they started at $120 EACH!

I haven't decided what I'm doing with hardly any of them yet! They are HEAVY. I have one on the balcony - empty - it gets SUPER hot on my balcony in Summer. Like around 50 degrees. So I'm nervous about putting any living thing there. I was thinking of putting all sorts of succulents in that one. It's WIDE and shallow. I saw some on Pinterest which looked so lovely.

EVENTUALLY I would like a Balinese style garden. omg they're so beautiful and relaxing. Pots are a feature but once I fill them I WILL NOT want to move them lol.

Cross stitching is fun. Crocheting simple things is easy and YouTube shows you how. Knitting is much harder and my Nana taught me for about 20y lol! She always said a good knitter is someone who can UNknit lol! With all the mistakes we make. I love knitting "squares on the diagnonal". It's quirky and fun.

I knitted my grandchildren booties made from Japanese wool with silk in them and I WANT SOME TOO lol.

But I am working on Meditating atm. Listening to a variety of online meditations but I bought Dr Joe Dispenza's ones and LOVE them. He teaches how to suppress certain DNA and activate others.

WOW you're TALL! I'm shorter than you lol. I have no idea how tall my Amazon daughter will get. All my kids tower over me, all good.

Hope you have a lovely day tomorrow.

Love always EM

[ecomama]

lol, I was thinking of you this morning ..... you DO grow for years more Neerja there's hope! lol.

But I Googled Gurdwaras near me last night. Over an hour away but I REALLY want to visit. I have a scarf lol.

They are SO MAJESTICALLY decorated. So beautiful. I love silks and gold thread through material.

What is that large bed shaped furniture in all the photos?

Looks like an image from The Arabian Nights children's stories!
My father read to me from these when I was little, all about Sheherazade.... a dreamy wonderland.

I found a book of these stories I bought my grandchildren last night at their house lol. It's high on the shelf in the "special books section". I wish it was with all their books tbh, I want them to KNOW these stories..

I'm listening to Jesus Jones' song "Right here, right now" and it's awesome.

I believe life presents us with a "fork in the road" LOTS of times in our lifetimes...
We can make THAT choice to the left and IDK ....
OR
We can take the RIGHT turn and it leads us on wonderful journeys.

I'm so glad I made the RIGHT turn and it brought me to YOU!
I'm SO GLAD YOU made the RIGHT turn too and it lead you RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW.

So happy I met you.

Love EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

Yesterday's dinner sounds wonderful!

It's horrible how your ex-husband stole and damaged your things. But you are right the things are replaceable, and the important thing is that you and your family are alright.

WOW, 20 Pots! THAT IS AMAZING! But there were a lot of car trips, lol. Starting at $120 is so expensive!! There was this shop, where they were selling plastic pots for over $50, and terracotta pots for over $500. Because of the price, we have no pots in our house, lol.

50 degrees is so warm! Here it gets about 30 degrees. WOW, I googled Balinese style gardens, they look WONDERFUL!

Lol, imagine moving filled pots that will extremely hard.

The booties made from Japanese wool with silk, sound so lovely, I want them too, lol. Unknitting is really hard, my nana told me the same thing, when I was little and visited her. I picked up her knitting supplies and really ruined the clothing she was working on. Wow, 20 years! I am going to start Crocheting, hopefully I don't mess up, I mess up everything I do.

WOW! Meditating sounds amazing! It's so calming, peaceful and relaxing. Sorry, I didn't understand 'suppressing certain DNA'? Sorry

My parents say I am short. Amazon daughter? Wow, that is a nice name!

The large bed shaped furniture/ or an elevated throne is where the Guru Granth Sahib is placed, which is the religious scripture of Sikhism and sometimes a religious teachers read the scripture out loud. The Guru Granth Sahib is elevated, because of its importance to Sikhs due to the people who wrote it and it is also considered as the living Guru.

Wow, The Arabian Nights children's stories sound amazing! I haven't read all of the stories, but is the entire book available online? I think your grandchildren would enjoy and love the stories.

I'm going to listen to "Right here, right now" too, I love your music choices!

I am extremely glad and thankful that you are here and my friend. I am extremely happy that I met you, you are an amazing friend, you make me feel less alone and safe, you make me see the better things in the world, you make me smile, you are extremely supportive and I can't thank you enough. I am glad that I joined BB, I was really nervous when I first posted but the supportiveness and kindness here made me feel safe. It was the first time I opened up about my suicidal thoughts to anyone.

We need more people like you. 🙂

Praying and wishing you happiness, wellness and healing.

Warmest wishes,

Your friend forever,

Neerja

[ecomama]

Hi Neerja

I'm going to dissect your post lol....

"the important thing is that you and your family are alright." YOU BETCHA! Even us breathing would be driving it crazy 24/7 LOLOL! Victim's Services put in CCTV cameras so ALL SAFE here lol!

"There was this shop, where they were selling plastic pots for over $50, and terracotta pots for over $500."
OMG That cost! We live "close" to a major city, many people live here & work in the city - get BIG money. I guess they spend it on POTS and then throw them out for me to pick up! lol.
ONE day I might get a really tall pot to make a water feature in the centre of my garden. You know when I'm rich!

"I am going to start Crocheting, hopefully I don't mess up, I mess up everything I do." SO DO I! But I expect to a thousand times too, it's called 'learning how to do something' or 'practice'. Start simple, do it 1000 times lol, then go up a level. "Chain stitch" is the easiest. You make a long chain, then decide what to do with it lol!

WOW! Meditating sounds amazing! It's so calming, peaceful and relaxing. Sorry, I didn't understand 'suppressing certain DNA'? Sorry

"My parents say I am short." Well your DNA came from them! So if they are criticizing YOU then they should pull their heads in. Plus I'm HAPPY I'm this size, so if they're trying to insult me too then I do NOT accept that AT ALL. Tbh it says far more about them than you or I.

"The large bed shaped furniture/ or an elevated throne is where the Guru Granth Sahib is placed"
It's beautiful. I love it.

"The Arabian Nights children's stories sound amazing!... is the entire book available online?" IDK but I bet they are.

"I am extremely glad and thankful that you are here and my friend. I am extremely happy that I met you, you are an amazing friend, you make me feel less alone and safe, you make me see the better things in the world, you make me smile, you are extremely supportive and I can't thank you enough. I am glad that I joined BB, I was really nervous when I first posted but the supportiveness and kindness here made me feel safe. It was the first time I opened up about my suicidal thoughts to anyone."
I feel exactly the same about you. 😍😍😍😍

We need more people like you. 🙂 AND YOU!

Praying and wishing you happiness, wellness and healing. Same to you darling girl.

"Your friend forever" that is SO beautiful. 

EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

I never heard of dissecting posts before, lol. 🤣

Having CCTV cameras is really good!

WOW, a water feature will be amazing! I have seen them in display homes and they look awesome! It's like a mini waterfall, lol.

I'm not happy with myself, I am really fat and my face is awful. I am the definition of ugly.

How has today been for you?

May each and every moment of every day be filled with the same joy and happiness you bring to others.

Your friend forever,

Your friend,

Neerja

[ecomama]

Hi Neerja

You are the definition of BEAUTIFUL to me!
Please don't focus on the parts of you that make you feel negative about yourself.
It's really ONLY the "pretence of beauty" you're talking about.

Not ACTUAL beauty.

Good people with GOOD SOULS are always beautiful. And you are indeed one of the most beautiful people I've ever met.

For the haters? "Your opinion of me is none of my business".

OKAY the sentence I couldn't address about "suppressing DNA and accentuating DNA"...... Dr Joe Dispenza is online and shows you HOW to online..... you can Google him.
It's all about Meditation and Visualisation...
Want to raise your metabolism? Sure.

These are the practices I'm doing atm and it's really working.

I have been watching as many of his talks as possible each night. The one with Aubrey Jarvis I think is really amazing.

I responded to April and you on her thread with another person too..... omg A-MAZING. Dr Brene Brown.

BOTH of these Drs have put up SO MUCH for free online so it's accessible for people.

High Five GORGEOUS GIRL!

Love EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

Sorry for the late reply. School has started and teachers put up a lot of work, lol.

I have gained so much more weight, I have been eating more than usual and can't get myself to do anything. I have gotten fatter. Now the school has started, I will hardly move. I am just tired, I guess.

Thank you Ecomama for your kindness, I really appreciate it. 🙂 But it's not going to change the fact, of how ugly I am. I am making myself look worse, I can't even bother to look after my hair anymore. Its a mess.

I have a question, why do people bother to live when they know that one day they will die?

The past few days haven't been going well, my younger brother's school had a COVID case and he has been tested. I really hope the result is negative. I don't want him to suffer.

Dr. Joe Dispenza and Dr. Brene Brown, sound awesome! It's amazing how people put resources for free! I will definitely watch their videos.

How are you going? Are you feeling better?

I hope you and your family are doing well.

May every day be filled with the same joy and happiness you bring to others.

Warmest wishes,

Your friend forever,

Neerja