Partner left me

[Chris 21]

Hi, I am Chris, I suffer depression and have done for a long time, sadly my partner is my life, I mean my life, left me in September after 27 years sighting issues over our relationship… it is breaking my heart, everyone says it gets easier with time, however it’s getting harder for me…. I I have been self harming to help with the pain, however it doesn’t help .. even attempted to take my life 4 weeks ago, she says she is broken and no longer wants a relationship … it’s made my depression worse , I am 46, have no friends as I isolated myself with depression … I have 2 wonderful kids whom make me want to live but I can’t concentrate , constant crying, headaches intermittent eating … being sick … I know she won’t come back she has made it clear … but I can’t go on without her, she has been there for me since I was 19 …. Now when I need her most she deserts me.

I am at a loss with what to do, my GP has me on mood and depression tablets they do not help .. make me drowsy and sleepy but doesn’t take the pain away as said 2 months and pain gets worse I have no family …. I just wanted to air, thank you for reading this if you choose.

chris

[Not_Limited]

Hi Chris 21

Thank you for reaching out. Reaching out can sometimes be the hardest first step. I was where you are 11 years ago. Separation, young children, self-harm, suicide attempt and hospital stays. Let me just say, you are still here for a reason and you have got this.

Everyone is different with their stories and how it affects them. There is no right or wrong, only how you yourself feel. What I can tell you, however, is your strength is in your children and in you. They are your purpose and they do need you no matter the dark self-talk you are currently saying to yourself. I don't know about you, but for me, I don't think I actually meant to commit suicide, just make the pain go away. Maybe this sounds similar? Let me tell you a little of my story. I was diagnosed with a mental illness 3 years before my relationship ended. It was a deciding factor for him for his own personality reasons. I had all the self-talk that included everyone would be so much better off, but I am here to tell you, that is just not true. I nearly succeeded in my attempt and it wasn't until I had recovered from that that I realised so many important factors. I wanted to see my children grow up, I wanted to see my little girl in her wedding dress, see their formals and play with my grandchildren. My children were my life before my attempt and they became my life and savour after my attempt. I thought about the long term trauma I would have caused them and came to a very big decision. As much as I loved my ex-partner, as much as I couldn't imagine life without him, that he was everything to me - my children needed me more than I needed him.

I empathise so much with you, in that coping with mental illness at the same time as a major relationship breakdown is one of the hardest things to do. You feel so broken, but like I truly believe you will, I found my strength bit by bit, slowly but surely. Today, 11 years after, I can honestly say that looking back, I can't believe what I very nearly missed out on. I have seen 2 of my 3 children have their formals, I have seen how amazing they are as sub-adults and teenagers.

[Not_Limited]

Sorry, I write too much. This is the rest of my reply.

Depression is so hard and seeing any light at the end of the tunnel is just so hard to find, but you will find it, trust me. I believe that those of us with mental ill-health are just like caterpillars. Trying hard to get through each day, fighting off everything that wants to attack us. The cocoon is the warm place we place ourselves in and give ourselves permission to heal, find our strength, work on our ill-health and then emerge as beautiful butterflies. The light is individual to each and every one of us. My light was my children and as I focused harder on it, the larger that light grew. There is no magical cure, we will always have good and bad days and that's ok. We can give permission to ourselves to have those moments. But we can also give ourselves permission to prosper and find other meanings in our lives to keep that light shining bright.
You are not defined by your partner, no matter how amazing she is or how much you love her - I do understand. What feels like never-ending pain, does end. Step by step, little by little, baby step by baby step. You don't have to make be leaps and bounds, just as long as you are stepping. What feels like no support, no joy - there is support, even if it is just in this forum for now, but also hope through some mental health professionals who can help you through this. If you don't feel one is helping or meshes with you, that's ok, just keep going until you do find one that does. You will find joy. Even if it starts off with smiling at a good memory. Your life means something - try to never forget that. You have a purpose in life, even if you don't believe you have found it yet. Have faith x

[Chris 21]

Thanks for the replies, it’s still hurting, and I still feel low, I accept it’s over, she made that clear, but I love her more than life… and I can’t give up hoping she will come back … I have to have fist in the universe and if fate means we will be together we will … I will love her to my dying breath … she is my world and always will be. It’s all my fault she left me, I won’t go into details but I feel this is karma, and getting what I deserve, just so sad, when I needed her most she left, she said she is broken and can’t do it anymore.

[Not_Limited]

Hi Chris21

It's a grief process, not unlike if a partner has past away. There is no right or wrong for how long the process takes or what stages you will experience when, so be kind to you.

Relationships take two. Two to make it and two to break it. It may feel like it is all one-sided, but it still takes two. When you have mental ill-health, it is really easy to blame yourself and your illness, but it is still like any other serious health condition. Just because you have a mental health condition, does not mean you are all to blame.

I don't know your history and whether karma is a word I would use, but I do know that it is really easy to find all the faults and the faults we are told we have as a way to take on all responsibility. Everyone has faults, no one is perfect and everyone has times in their lives where they wish they had done something differently. I blamed my mental health and used it as an excuse for my ex-partner for behaving and acting the way he did, but the fact is, he had those flaws before I even became mentally unwell, I just didn't want to see them at the time or would talk them away.

It is extremely hard when things end, especially if it is not on your terms and you still truly love that person. It happens in all relationships that end that way, not a mental ill-health perception. I used to work in family law and saw it every day and went through it myself. It's really really hard. However, step by step you will get there will come to know that life isn't over, as there is just still so much life and love you have yet to experience. How we feel now, isn't how we are always going to feel, even when you can't imagine feeling any other way. Think about the things you thought were true and tried as a teenager and think about what your perceptions are now. They are never the same and constantly evolving.

Relationships when one has a mental health condition still take two to receive the help and support they need for the relationship to survive. Was she seeking any support of her own, attending appointments with you, receiving family support etc?

[Not_Limited]

Hi Chris 21

Just wanted to check in with you and see how you are going?