Parents supporting adult daughter with suicidal thoughts

[Anthony]

We are parents of a 20yo daughter who is having a tough time with her mental health and opened up today for the first time saying she wants to end her life. The reasons for her grief and trauma are complex and I won't go into detail here. We are just seeking some advice on what to do and how best we can help keep her safe as she is refusing to get help. 

[indigo22]

Hi Anthony,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

What you are going through must be extremely unsettling for you and your wife and I am sorry to hear how your daughter is feeling at present.

I would like to answer this post from the point of view of someone who has been where your daughter is now.

I began my journey with depression at around 12 years old (now in my 60s). This was compounded by the devastating loss of my familial soul mate brother when I was 14. I didn't understand what I was going through and at the time mental health was not understood so I was unsupported. I was trying to be grown up for my parents who were really struggling with the loss and my older siblings were married and living their own lives so I really didn't have anyone to talk to who could understand my inner turmoil. I have been through suicidal ideation a number of times because when things are at their darkest, this seems like the only way out of the pain and anguish you are going through which can feel like torture at the time. It is just the place your mind takes you to when you can't see any chance of things improving.

I don't need to know the circumstances of your daughters downward spiral to know that she is likely trying to manage this on her own but given her age, she hasn't the life experience to do so. My advice is to converse calmly, with empathy and non judgement about what her reasons are for not wanting to seek help. Help her understand that she actually does need help to get through this and that, when she is ready, you will be her advocate and support for as long as it takes to get on top of this battle. There may be times when she lashes out at you, but you must not take this personally, she is not in a reasonable state of mind, so you need to keep your interactions with her as calm as possible. Let her know you are willing to listen to whatever she needs to talk about and try to resist the impulse to immediately try to fix it, just allow her to off load some of the torment inside so the pressure comes down a little.

I would suggest in the background, you make some enquiries with either her doctor and the below helpline on what steps you can have in place if things begin to spiral in a downward direction. This may be, for example. having the number for what is know as the Critical Assessment Team on hand to call and they will come to your home and assess her for what needs to be done next. You, like your daughter, cannot do this alone, so have as much information as needed in order to deal with whatever comes up so you are not in a position of not knowing what to do.

Try to gently persuade her that she needs help to get though this, but don't push, I think with the right approach she may come to see this for herself.

Kids Helpline - available 24/7 - up to age 25 - 1800 55 1800

This is a great place to start for getting advice on what is available to you to help your daughter. They are professionals dealing with mental health on a daily basis.

Lastly, thank you for caring enough about your daughter to reach out here, we are here to support you through this so please continue the conversation as needed.

I have no doubt you've go this,

indigo

[therising]

Hi Anthony

You are obviously such a beautiful deeply loving and caring parent and your daughter is so blessed to have you as a guide, support and researcher in her life. As one of her key guides in life, you're seeking how to best guide her. As her supporter, you are working on how to hold her up, mentally and emotionally. And as a researcher, you're investigating a number of ways regarding the way forward (which includes you coming here). She really is blessed to have you, someone so devoted.

I'm wondering whether your daughter is a visual sort of person. Kind of like if you give her a vision to see or imagine and it's one she can possibly relate to, will the right vision lead her to seek further help? For example, if she just can't see herself in a psychologist's office, visit after visit over a long period of time, can she possibly see herself coming on the forums here instead for a start, even if it's just to vent how she's honestly feeling? You could ask her if she can see this in her mind. You could perhaps question her in another way with something along the lines of 'Do you want someone who's going to give you a textbook analysis of all that you're experiencing or do you want someone who can help you on a deeper level, perhaps being more so someone who can help you gain a sense of how you're feeling everything you've experienced and are still experiencing?'. Some people can see themselves going to psychologists, some see themselves gaining ground with psychologists who specialise in somatic therapy (which involves better understanding and working with and through feelings) and some relate more so to psycho-spiritual counseling, which can be more about addressing what feels soul destroying. Then there are some who can see themself benefiting from group therapy, being amongst others who can relate when no one else can. There is a buffet of possibilities or options to choose from when it comes to what feels right for someone. Offering one plate (a psychologist) may not be to your daughter's taste at the moment or at all.

She possibly can't see any way forward at the moment and may even be imagining that there is no way forward that will make any difference to her. From what you say, it sounds like she can only see one way out of where she currently is. That's her vision. If you give her multiple things to see, you may just hit on one that leads her to see what gives her a sense of hope and possibility. If she is a very visual person or a naturally imaginative person, your could try connecting with her through her nature (her imagination) and what you can lead her or guide her to see in there.