Pain , suffering and all things insane

[Evanthia]

I have been really trying to keep the crazy all contained inside , but there are cracks that are starting to show through and l have been struggling to stop the suicidal thoughts and the self harm from happening.

I have a insane desire to hurt myself that no one seems to understand.

I've been hurting myself continuously.

I've had a really emotionally unstable week and l've been so unhappy with everyone around me.

The problem is if l say anything , l'm afraid of being taken to the hospital , so l am avoiding asking for help.

SO why am l here , writing this ???? on the off chance , l make a mistake l guess..... 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Evanthia,  Thank you for sharing your experience. We’re really sorry to hear you’ve had this really difficult time, but we’re glad you could share this here. Hopefully we’ll hear from the community soon, who may be able to offer some understand, and perhaps some ideas for the next few days.   We’re reaching out to you privately to offer some support. If you’re struggling with thoughts or feelings about self-harm, please reach out directly either to the professionals with you there, or by giving ourselves or Lifeline a call. If you’re not able to do so, please know that we’re here, and in an emergency the number to call would be 000.  In the past, community members have mentioned an app called ‘Calm Harm’ being really helpful for managing self-harm urges, in case that’s something you’d like to have a look at.   Thanks again for your bravery and openness in sharing here.   Kind regards,   Sophie M 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Evanthia

Really feeling for you right now.

 I had some self-harm impulses in recent weeks so can relate a bit. I do get wanting to feel something other than the inner pain you’re in.

One thing I read about but didn’t try is just holding an ice block to feel something different, so you’re not actually hurting yourself just feeling something other than emotional turmoil.

Something suggested to me that helped was just putting my hand on my heart for a while and gently breathing which can calm the nervous system. It’s a form of self-compassion and can help settle feelings that feel out of control.

 I‘ve also been reading about how self harm can relate to just a part of ourselves that is traumatised but that’s not the whole of us (even though we may feel like it). That part may feel like it’s acting autonomously if it’s related to past trauma because of the way memory stores trauma, but we can develop compassion for the traumatised part to help re-integrate it into ourselves. The most important thing is knowing that part is not the whole of you.

When you mentioned the cracks showing through it made me think of the Leonard Cohen words:

There is a crack in everything 

That’s how the light gets in

I’m not sure if that’s any help right now or whether it just sounds corny, but sometimes even just seeing that emotional pain often precedes some kind of healing, transformation from painful energy into healing energy, might help.

Take care xx

[Evanthia]

There is nothing more to say ..........

[Bob_22]

Hi Evanthia,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for being candid enough to post how you're feeling here. I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with thoughts of suicide and self harm. It sounds like you've been struggling for a while so I can understand how you must feel so overwhelmed by this point.

It is great that you had the strength to come and post here though. It shows that you have resilience and hope (however small that may be). These qualities in my experience are the most important thing when it comes to overcoming or learning to live with any mental illness. You mention that you're afraid of being taken to hospital. This is completely understandable as the hospital, especially ED, can be such a foreign and hostile environment. I am wondering if you have a psychiatrist you see regularly? I ask this as it may be worth having a chat to have a planned hospital admission if that is something you'd like to try? For me personally, I was against the idea but after I decided to try it, I ended up buying private health insurance with what little money I'd saved (waited the 2 month waiting period) and had an extended stay at the private hospital my psychiatrist worked at. It was a fantastic decision and helped me immensely. Is this something you might consider? If not, no worries as there are many treatment options available these days and it is about finding the right one for you.

Regardless, please keep us updated on how you're going. I'd love to hear more from you and your story. Please as Sophie mentioned, do not be afraid to reach out to the counsellors here if you need to talk to someone on one. You can contact them anytime here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor 

Thank you again for sharing and I hope you feel a little more connected by coming here. 💙

Bob

[Krosis]

Hey Evanthia

I made an account for these forums a few hours ago and have been scrolling through a few different posts. After reading about twenty or so I found yours and thought it was one of the few (possibly the only one) that I found relatable to some degree. 

 Self-harm has been a major part of my life since my early teens up to this day. I used to open up a lot about my thoughts and emotions when I was in my teens and early twenties. However, in my mid-twenties, after speaking about thoughts in my head, I was put in a mental ward in a hospital for a few days (non-voluntary). I didn't have the greatest perception of people who work in the health care industry before, but after having spent time in a mental ward under their care, my opinion of them was lowered even more so. I am fearful and mistrusting of them, as well as the facilities they work at. I am wary of asking for help now. (BTW If your curious as to a time frame of when this stuff happened; I will be entering my late twenties next year).

I've heard lots of stories from people who suffer from mental health. Hearing them often makes me feel very isolated and detached from others. It's very rare that someone else will speak on their thoughts and experiences in a manner that elicits a feeling of connection within me. Your post managed to bring forth that feeling. 

You ended by questioning why you are writing the post and even replied in the thread by stating that there is nothing more to say. I don't know why you made this post, and I don't want to force you to speak if you think there is nothing more to say. But a result of your post is that you evoked a slight feeling of connection in me that I don't often experience.

Thanks for the feeling, I wish you the best in your endeavors.