Over it all all too much

[ktac1689]

I am in such a bad place right now, I know you are not a crisis service and not expecting crisis support. But I am done.

I was going to end my life last week. Stupidly told my therapist when she texted me that morning that I was going to do that. The day ended with me taken to hospital by police and undergoing assessment. I was scheduled but luckily managed to convince someone the next day that I was no longer feeling that way and was allowed to leave with follow up. I should have not have told my therapist what I was going to do. Then police etc would not have known and been chasing me.

I talked to lifeline last night and told them about recent events and plans I have. Thankfully not completely immanent or they would have called police too! But no more police, no more hospital and no more anything. I am tired of putting people through all this and just want to get it all over with. This has been dragging on for so so long and I am tired.

[smallwolf]

Things sound like they are a struggle for you at the moment. And sorry to hear about the loss of your aunt.

It was a long time ago... I went to my grandmother's funeral - the first and last funeral I cried it. I do not have to go into the reasons here. How a person reacts during and/or after the event and coping with loss is unique to a person and many factors at play here.

Two things I have on my phone are a list of reasons to live and my safety plan. Do you have anything similar? Beyond Blue also has a safety plan app as well and you can find information about it here...

https://coronavirus.beyondblue.org.au/managing-my-daily-life/coping-with-isolation-and-being-at-home...

Listening to you. Peace to you,

Tim

[geoff]

Hello Ktac, funerals are never a good place to be and if you are in a position where you feel alone then this feeling is only magnified, secluding you more.

One concern is your workplace incident where you've been put on special leave from work which maybe contributing to how you feel, so wondering how this is progressing.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[ktac1689]

I have been scheduled, police came to my house this afternoon and I am being an involuntary patient for a few days. I hope this will help. I feel so alone I have no one here and they wouldn’t let me go back to Qld like I asked. Feeling so low right now.
Yes I am on special leave for the foreseeable future until I am able to return to the workplace.

[Croix]

Dear Ktac1689~

So what are impressions? Room to yourself or in pairs, a stock of books, other patients not to intrusive and at least some staff you can relate to. I hope any enforced medication is not too painful to have administered and it actually helps.

See the world go by from afar, it can help.

Did you have to smuggle your phone in>:)? Please keep us updated, you are not on your own, we care

Croix

[ktac1689]

Hi Croix,

I am still in ED right now, apparently I will be transported in the morning. I have been given a bed for the night in a room to myself.
I am very nervous about it all but hope it helps as I just cannot seem to change my mindset.
No meds other than sedative so far which hasn’t kicked in yet.
Keli

[geoff]

Hello Keli, it's not easy to change your mindset when you don't know the unknown, but appreciate that with the good, we may need to expect some bad may happen.

When we are able to utilise just a small part of something that's gone in a positive way, we shouldn't allow any of this to be pushed backwards and controlled by any negative thoughts, simply because we can give in and forget about what we may have succeeded in.

Hope everything goes to your expectation, hat's a positive.

Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear Keli~

It may be the are reluctant to give you anything stronger until you come under a psych's care and you may have had/will have a wakeful night.

Being on a ward is not a good experience, though, as I've said, it can have long term benefits. Just because you are on a ward does not mean you cannot have input into how you are treated.

I have found very short notes -dot points- handed over can be useful, it can go on the record and act as a means of steering things so they do not get too bad.

I'd strongly suggest no long passages or pages, a few dot points is enough.

Let's hope your psych is sensible (most are) and cares (most do, and that includes the nurses too). You may not be among freinds, but will almost certainly be among those that wish the best for you.

As I sit here in my chair before the wood fire, with the world's largest cat to my left supervising, I can still see my visits, and am glad I underwent them, even though it was a long time ago.

Please let us know how you get on (and get a phone charger from somewhere)

Croix

[ktac1689]

Thank you geoff,

I don’t know really how I feel this morning, life really sucks. I just spent the last 4 days in hospital which, aside from finally getting a diagnosis nothing much really happened unfortunately.
ktac1689

[ktac1689]

Hi again Croix,

I was sent to psych ward the next morning and was discharged yesterday. I was not allowed to have my phone or most of my possessions which was quite awful as I was not able to contact my family or friends without my phone which was hard. They did allow short stints with my phone luckily in a secure area.

I got a diagnosis but my meds were not reviewed and they didn’t give me the meds I was unable to take with me. So my GP will need to do it as was already on the works before I was scheduled.

I did meet some awesome people in there though all going through their own struggles. It was an awful experience though and I will NEVER allow myself to be put there again.

Although the psychs I saw in the hospital were good I still don’t have a psych in the community and mental health care is not great where I am. I don’t know if I can get to Qld as I was required to travel outside the border bubble to go into hospital. I feel devastated that I may need to stay in a place with no real support for 2 weeks. I hate COVID so much and hate the situation I am currently in. I feel so lost and alone this morning and I am not sure how to go on.

Picturing you in your chair with your log fire and cat made me smile though thank you.
Ktac1689

[ktac1689]

Right now I feel more lost then ever and not sure which way to go next. I spoke to my doctor yesterday and she gave me the name of a psychiatrist to book on with while waiting for an appointment as I will be in quarantine from today provided I am able to go into Qld. Rang the psychiatrist and need a referral first but they will try and work something out.
It just seems to be one curve ball after another and even though not huge the accumulated effect is significant. I just have had enough of this year! Just want to disappear.