Oscar winner

[Scrabbling]

I am new to all of this and I have started and deleted this post more times than I care to acknowledge . I tried obviously unsuccessfully 30 years ago to commit suicide and it has always stayed in the back of my mind ,over the last couple of years the pressure cooker has been overloaded with chronic pain ,potential loss of my 26-year-job , having to sell my beloved Ponies and the loss of my ability to be an active CFA member of 20+ years.

I tried on two occasions to talk to my GP his reaction was get over it and tomorrow is a better day, Guess what tomorrow has not been a better day. I did go to another GP at our hospital and I told him what I told my GP and the next minute I found myself threatened with. In voluntary commitment unless I complied , Shipped off in an ambulance and wishing I had never asked for help and wanting the world to make me disappear ( I won an Oscar at the hospital and got myself out with a couple of scripts ) this has only made me feel more cornered and confused, I have an upcoming appointment with a psychiatrist and if I attend are terrified of being honest as I fear the ramifications. I have withdrawn from most things and would prefer just to be left alone I do have a husband who really doesn’t have any idea what is going on. ( I’m a terrific performer) and I don’t want him smothering me with concern and being in my space 24/7, I know I am sailing very close to the edge and it wouldn’t take a lot to push me over but I’m keeping up the daily onwards and upwards performance. I am currently in a safe place after a procedure but really unsure of the future.

so now all I have to do is post this.

[Scrabbling]

I’m drowning, I know it ,but besides here ,I’m not reaching out? Maybe I cannot be saved?? I kinda feel so alone and let down , I so don’t understand these new feelings of being totally miserable and I want it to stop, I am the person who makes everybody else happy and solves everybody else’s problems, this is so not me . I thought I might of had support but that never eventuated. ( probably my own fault for bluffing my way out) but now I am going down a one way road. Everything seems to be closing in and the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be a long way away and unachievable. Is this common? Or am I destined to be a train wreck?

[mmMekitty]

Life Preserver here for you, Scrabbling. We may not know why but we do keep going, one step at a time, with or without support, somehow we do. Here, though, you do have some support.

Maybe they didn't tell you, the medication you were given will take weeks to show an effect.

I'm sorry, I wanted to write more, but at the moment I can't. I mainly .want you to know wer're here.

mmMekitty

[therising]

Hi Scrabbling

I figure we don't necessarily realise we're facing the greatest challenge of our life or one of the greatest challenges until we're out of it. In hindsight, the question that comes to mind is 'How in hell did I get through that?' There's a sense of pride that comes with recognising you made it through what feels like hell on earth. The challenge is to do it again and again, with a greater sense of clarity each time. A seriously tough challenge. Sounds a bit strange but each time you go through, you come out the other side with a new tool/skill set. To say it's a tough way to gather tools for life is an understatement.

Another challenge involves 'the gateway' to hell on earth looking different each time. With this being the case, you don't necessarily see it coming. That gateway may involve a trauma, it might involve a therapist bringing up stuff you've never considered before in such a way (analysing so intensely), waking up to people who you believed were friends, facing the kind of internal chemistry that's mind altering etc. While we don't necessarily recognise the gateway, while it appears different each time, we can feel our self having gone beyond it. There's no feeling like it. It can be thoroughly depressing, mentally torturous and it can feel soul destroying.

I can relate to what you say regarding being the 'go to' person for people. You can have a friend/family member going through their own hell on earth and you can spend hours or even days in a state of meditation, meditating on what comes to mind in the way of making a positive difference in their life. Then you act on and/or share what comes to mind and it makes the difference to them that they've been desperately searching for. You're there with them, trying so hard to get them through and out the other side. Then, there are times where you look around when you're in your own hell on earth and you can't help but wonder why no one else appears to be trying as hard as you try for them. Sometimes it feels like they haven't even shown up. It can definitely feel lonely and, at times, even angering.

From experience, I believe there a 3 types of people - those don't believe we're experiencing hell on earth (the ignorant), those who will leave us to make our way through it on our own while believing we can cope (the observers) and those who will do what ever it takes to help us make sense of things so we can make our way through and out the other side. It pays to identify who's who.

[mmMekitty]

How are you this morning, Scrabbling? I'm a little better now.

There was a disturbance at another flat here, & I had to call the police. These arguments where yelling becomes physical disturbs me, so I could not give you my full attention..

I remember when feeling I was drowning, it had felt I was being relentlessly pulled under & simply had no the strength to keep my head up. The fact that no-one seemed to see straight past my façade seemed remarkable to me. I was so used to hiding what I thought & felt I could not stop, back then.

Just as things seemed they could get no worse,, something else came along & I felt myself break open & everything I had kept in came out. On one hand, I was desperately afraid it would overwhelm me & that would be it, & on the other hand, I couldn't let all that crap win. I didn't care if no-one cared whether I survived or not, as I didn't care about that myself.

To not let the past I'd so far survived, take me out now, I'd've done anything if asked.

I was terrified. The GP I saw had sent me to a Psychiatrist he picked from the Yellow Pages.

If that Psych Dr said I needed to go to hospital, I'd've done so, because I had no answers of my own, other than to do what I knew I could not. He turned out to be okay, & let me take my time.

I felt I was in a no-win situation, as you say, cornered & trapped, & drowning. Largely, even with help, I had to do most everything for myself. No one can do those things we must do for ourselves; from the most basic things like getting up, eating, to the attempting to answer the philosophical questions so prominent in our minds, at least to the level where living seems to make a little sense.

If you need this crappy life to have a reason, but can't find that reason outside yourself, then you need to invent a reason that comes from within. Substitute 'reason' with 'meaning', 'value' , 'purpose', 'goal', 'ambition', 'direction', whatever, it is your choice. & what you choose now can be a temporary choice. It can range from some purely spiritual quest to an entirely materialistic endeavour. Not for me to say or judge.

I see you have survived this long, with overwhelming thoughts & feelings, so I know you are a lot stronger than you know, & something inside wants to be here.

Cherish that precious core of will & indominable strength you have. Most people are never challenged enough to know they have this, but you have, & it's there, & you know it.

One step at a time - they add up.

mmMekitty