Not sure how to feel anymore about my brother?

[ChildHeart]

Ok guys I’m gonna have to say this seemingly bluntly because we have a word count limit and I need to explain this as best I can. 

years ago my parents became terminally ill and I was staying at home with them to care. Six years have gone by and I have struggled with picking my life back up. I have a brother who lives in another country and was not there for my parents ilness and decline accept for at the end of my dads life so he has no idea what I went through with them. I also struggled with things before they got sick including being su*cidal (he doesn’t know about the su*cidal). Anyway I had a recent breakdown and just got off the phone with him and said I am struggling again with my depression. He basically told me that I need to stop focusing on that and that I need to take action in my life to change it and I explained that the depression is debilitating it stops me from doing that and he said well you just have to try hard. He said what would mum and dad say to you right now and I said that they want me to be happy and he said no, they wouldn’t say that. They aren’t happy with what you’re doing right now. They want you get your life back on track. Then I said it’s not just me dealing with everything that happened with mum and dad it’s things before that I’ve been through a lot and he said what the bullying at school and your old work stuff? That’s in the past why are you going on about that that’s silly you need to be focusing on the future. That stuff is irrelevant now. I feel hurt. I know my brother loves me but.. that is mean things to say right? He always makes me feel bad. 

[ChildHeart]

Wow eagle ray, we certainly have been through such similar situations. I am so sorry you had all the weight of looking after your parents and witnessing everything that had to go through with their sickness and then their passing. Hugs from me to you! 🤗💓

I appreciate the thoughts and advice and whilst I see how that makes sense.. I think it might take me a little bit to get there. I struggle with all the emotions that surface in me everytime we have to engage in conversation or interact in some way. What you’re saying makes sense, I just think it’s going to be a while for me to come to that point with him. 

Yes we are like oil and water hahaha. He definitely doesn’t understand the spiritual me, but at least I’ve realised there’s no getting him to understand the spiritual me. 

You’ll get me when I say that I have a big spiritual team in the 5D so I know that they are working with me to get out of my suicidal ways. Not only do I have a lot of ancestors watching over me, but I have angels (I actually see archangel michael he comes to me in blue specs of light), the family dog who passed away is one of my guardians as well as other spirits. But in all honesty, for now I am still struggling with it and it’s a fight to try push through the feelings and to not take action. 

I wish I could talk more with you about everything you went though, since we have such similar circumstances, but I appreciate being able to reach out through the forums. 

Thank you, take care. 💗

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Child Heart

That makes sense and I understand. I was actually still quite stuck in relation to my brother until very recently.

The best way I can describe what has helped has been finding people who can see and hear me and who have co-resonated with me, if that makes sense.

Firstly I found a good psychologist (after much searching - trial and error) who was on the same page as me. Her empathy and witnessing of my experiences has been like an antidote, not just for my brother’s treatment of me, but for other distressing interpersonal experiences.

Then, very recently, I’ve been doing a course that relates to complex trauma and the mind/body/spirit impacts that can have. The teacher is a doctor also trained in Amazonian shipibo medicine. He sings traditional healing songs at each class and on one occasion sang one directly to me. Just having another person see into my soul and be kind enough to do that has profoundly shifted my whole being out of a traumatised state into a more whole, connected state.

The suicidality just isn’t there now, yet I was really struggling with it for sometime before that. So I guess what I’m trying to say is if you can find healing experiences with genuinely good people who truly see you, this can be a powerful catalyst for change.

Until recently I also experienced a lot of anxiety about communication with my brother, and much hurt and grief. A few weeks ago I was able to tell him in person some things that he didn’t previously see or know about my experiences. I actually saw empathy on his face, and although I know he can’t really talk about these topics with me (and may never be able to), he thanked me for telling him. This was a big shift from him basically hanging up the phone when I tried to express myself previously.

Somehow as there was a profound shift in me energetically (much less fear and feeling accepted and supported by others), there was also a shift in him. Going to run out of space, but don’t give up hope as healing is really possible 🙏🤗💗

[ChildHeart]

Hi, Eagle Ray wow that teacher and class sounds very interesting! I’m happy you found something a little out of the box as not many think to go that route. 

I am happy that you found a therapist that you resonate with, even though it might have taken a little while. I’m trying to get as much free resources as I can but it doesn’t always meet my needs (not that I am wanting to sound ungrateful) and it would be nice to be in a position one day where I can actually be seeing a therapist regularly. 

What I believe in spiritually is well it’s something I can’t put down in a post that’s for sure it’s so many things but what I struggle with is renting and living with a flat mate. She doesn’t like my spiritual ways and I believe in the power of cleansing negative energy (wish I could use these things for my depression and it’s not like I haven’t tried but there’s a lot of depression, trauma and grief I guess and it’s hard) but she won’t let me cleanse the space at home. She gets annoyed with the smells and in the end I was asked (land lord) to stop doing it. So the fact that I can’t even cleanse my home.. it adds to what im going through and I can’t feel calm cool or collected. I would also have an ancestor alter which I would love to dedicate to my mum and dad in particular that I feel would give me some peace internally but another thing I can’t do right now. 

im so happy that you experienced a change in the energy between you and your brother. Him actually having that empathy and not hanging up the phone this time such a big improvement and I applaud you for your courage to speak your truth to him. 

I got into another bad emotional spot last night and was on the verge…I contacted the helpline and I got halfway through a conversation and I passed out from exhaustion. I woke up and thought omg what has happened I had no clue where I was or what had gone on. I contacted the helpline again this morning not just to go through what I was trying to talk to the lady last night about but also to let them know I was ok and she brought up some points that hit me differently than when I have spoken to others, so I agree that it helps a lot when you can have the support of somebody who not just understands the situation but who understands you as a person. 

Thank you for sharing your story Eagle Ray. 💗

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Child Heart

I really empathise with the position you’re in with regard to affording therapy and navigating things with your housemate. I think there are some therapists who work at low cost and some psychologists who even bulk bill (possibly with mental health care plan), but it’s so important to find someone you resonate with so it’s a bit of a journey finding them.

As for the housemate, the best thing I can think of is finding a place away from the house that resonates with you and that kind of becomes your alter/cleansing place/place of safety etc. I’ve really connected with a particular place by the ocean which is a core part of my healing. The rocks, plants, rock pool, ocean creatures (fish, crabs etc), birds and energy of that place have all become a source of stability, nurturance and safety for me. I’ve recently been connecting with a peaceful forest spot too.

With the helplines, I’ve called them a number of times, and I totally agree that someone who connects with you as a person is really important. One night I was really traumatised and the first person stressed me more with a hypervigilant manner and intense questions I couldn’t answer. I ended the call, tried to breathe through the stress, then called another helpline. I got the kindest man, like a kindly father grandfather, who asked me questions about what it was like living in my home town. I got to share with him about my spiritual place by the ocean and he was genuinely interested and engaged with me. After that call I felt cared for and safe, had a cup of tea and went to bed in a different state. It was like a sharing of stories with a compassionate human.

So I would say whenever you are feeling not ok just keep reaching out until you find the right help. There will be someone who co-regulates with you, who hears you. It sometimes just takes a few efforts. Human interaction can really help.

 I so feel for you as I’ve been in a very similar place and I know it’s really hard. I would say just keep following your heart and intuition about was is healing for you, even if you do some of that beyond your home environment because of the limitations there (either virtually via internet resources or outside your home).

Take care 💗