Not coping

[Patches63]

Yesterday morning I was in a dark place MH wise.  Everything hurt so much that didn’t want to live anymore.  Thanks to the love of 2 cats I phoned local prevention team and spoke to MH nurse who as part of the phone conversation triaged me and did referral for me to be accepted into their program.  Tried doing different things during the day but couldn’t settle. Ended up driving approx 30mins and spending few hours with a cousin.  Another disturbed and restless night but ‘slept’ for 13 hours.

about 1pm returned miss call and spoke to Ben from local MH team who has booked me an appointment for 1pm tomorrow to start to get help from the team.  He advised team consists of variety of experienced staff including psychologists and psychiatrists and that while I am under their care they will provide updates to my local dr plus current therapists.

as I explained to this Ben, I’ve only recently moved to lifestyle village so I don’t feel so alone and have lots of social activities I can choose to get involved in to give me things to do but last few days my thoughts have gone negative again …. I’m tired, tired of being in tears that I can’t stop and can last for hours, tired of within the same day flipping from being happy to being in tears.  Without my cats I dread to think what actions I would have taken within last few days. 

I am safe and know I would never intentionally do anything to leave my cats alone.  They need me as much as I need them.  Part of me yesterday didn’t think or care about my cats, when I realised I got more upset and felt guilty and knew I need help

[Patches63]

Am feeling lost and alone.  I find it hard to let people into my life and trust people.  Last year let 2 people into my life who said they were a friend.  Recently one has said he “can’t cope” with my mental health and has cut all ties.  Other person says we are friends and wants to know how I’m going etc, when I answer on fb my words are read but no reply for days including when I have asked couple different questions

[mmMekitty]

Hello Patches

I am sorry you were feeling so distressed. I'm pleased & relieved to know you are safe & sought help. Wonderful cats - I can relate, remembering how I had times when I would wish Mekitty would go away, don't bother me, while I was feeling so low & in pain, not wanting to poke my head out from the covers, even though she needed me for food & other care. It's a painful thought to have, I agree, but I have realised that's not how I really felt. Those feelings were from my depression which wold make everything I might do seem pointless & all too hard for me to even try. But, because she was a living being in my care, & she obviously didn't feel she was so great a burden, that I simply HAD to get up & care for her.

& later I realised the very act of getting up to care for her meant I was able to do something, that my efforts are of worth & important, if only to Mekitty.

& I'd achieved something those days.

I'm very glad you called for help, that you realise your cats love you as much as you love them.

I'm proud of you today, going to see your cousin, coming here to BB, too & for all the effort you have put in to care & help yourself this weekend.

What social activities have you been interested in joining? Often, when doing something with others helps the conversation slow.

I understand how difficult it is to make a new friend, to know whether or not they can be the sort of friend who we can trust with our deeper thoughts & feelings. Even if I really wanted one myself, I know I'd find that particularly difficult, just balancing how much or little to trust, the boundaries, how much or little I feel able to recipicate, too, all difficult for me. I understand how it hurts when people let us down.

But, what was it like talking to your cousin today? Was it casual or do you think you could talk more deeply with them?

I hope tomorrow goes well for you, that Ben & co are helpful, too.

More Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Patches63]

mmMekitty, I know I’m fighting the demon inside me, my depression.  Speaking with Ben about my mood swings and how I can go from happy to emotionally crashing in same day he said one thing the team will definitely be doing is looking into my meds to help stabling that aspect.

talking with my cousin I would say was therapeutic.  She is few years older than me and over the years have helped each other through the low aspects of loss of our respective mums, stress from work, job stresses and loss etc.  talking she mentioned her own current health issues plus some info about 2other family members who I learnt both have struggled with mental health issues.  I found myself telling her some things about what I life is like for me and felt comfortable doing so.  I had planned to spend only 1or 2 hours with her and ended up being with her for about 5 hours.

activities run at the lifestyle village where I live that have caught my attention are Trivia (no idea how I will go but sounds like the group have lots of fun), mahjong, free movies up to 3 times a week, possibly card games.  There also are billiard tables which are only used twice a week that I’m hoping to regain my skills on.  During the coming week I will be going on trip to local historical gardens, trip to a wildlife park (transport to both is free and will be via one of the small buses the village has).  Have also paid to attend 2hr well-being discussion where speakers will include Naturopath, physiotherapist and Pilates instructor.

there is so many things at the village or day trips run through the village it’s great and I’m looking forward to getting involved with.  Yesterday I was hit by couple of triggers plus desperately missed my mum, being able to talk with her about my new home, having her come for visit and hearing her voice

Patches

[blondguy]

Hey Patches

feeling lost and alone is awful

I understand your 'pain' when you mentioned some people saying they ''cant cope'' with your mental health. This is sad Patches as I have had the same words said to me too

I know its not much help Patches yet I hear you loud and clear 

Bear Hugs 4 (((Patches)))

Paul

[Patches63]

Spent approx 90mins yesterday afternoon with MH nurse and social worker who have assessed my risk factor as low and provided me with website for 2different local peer support groups that are for people with depression, ptsd, ocd.  Need to investigate more.  Talked about my hobbies with MH nurse mentioning these are all types of coping outlets and part of self care.

woke this morning feeling about 80% ok.  Appointment with psychologist has been moved forward 2 weeks and bought some new plants earlier which will pot up tomorrow. Feeling more confident to discuss my SI thoughts with psychologist having had risk assessment done by MH nurse who has offered to talk to my psychologist directly if I choose

information from MH nurse yesterday is psychiatrist I will be having initial appointment with mid next month is highly regarded within local MH field, that she has personally worked with him in the past and that I need have no fears or concerns about fully open with and telling him everything including my recent SI thoughts

Patches