Not coping today

KindSoul88 · ‎13-02-2023

Tw strong suicidal ideation urges and intent

how does one cope with all these things going on at the moment… I have chronic suicidal ideation but today is different. I’ve started having episodes of dissociation and vivid images of what I would do to end my life… it’s that vivid that I seem to feel what I would be feeling whilst I’m doing it… I tried to do some tools I’ve learned so far and nothing seems to work… I’ve tried reaching out to lifeline but couldn’t get thru… im running out of options and it feels like this is the end of me… I can’t handle any of this anymore… it’s hell right now., hence why I kinda thought that the voices are right, why try when I’ll fail anyways. Why try when it was destined for me to end my story my way. Why try when no one wants to help anyways… why try when I’ve been longing for freedom which I’ll get once it’s all over… why try when all your doing is prolonging the pain and suffering I’m feeling… so what to do?.

KindSoul88 · ‎20-02-2023

I have engaged into services looking for the least harmful consequences to either just hurt myself and/or actually ending my own life. I have tried to contact the crisis hotlines but still came out empty handed or even worse than before… this is the very reason why I really believe that I’m one of those who are treatment resistant patient… so how do you turn that around? What do I need to do and/have to make it somewhat bearable? Would I ever live a happy life? No matter where I look it just either I get disappointed of how my life is right now or just have had it in seeking help from almost everyone and almost every services that could possibly help and support me thru this wave… the voices are are strong and very intrusive that it confuses the heck out of me… don’t know where to look, don’t know who to reach out to, don’t know how to help myself. I’ll try one last time in trying to contact other crisis service with the hope that I get some support in getting through this wave.

Eagle Ray · ‎21-02-2023

Hi Kind Soul

I have heard the term ‘treatment resistant’ before. But I don’t think it’s the fault of the patient. It’s that the treatment approaches so far haven’t fitted with the patient and reached them where they’re at. It can feel isolating when the supports you’ve sought so far haven’t been able to sufficiently help, and I understand when you say you’ve felt worse after some of them because I’ve felt that too before.

I’ve found it’s been quite a tough road to find the right supports but I think it’s valuing yourself enough to know that you are worth it. Sometimes we can feel pathologised or ‘less than’, that there’s something wrong with us. But there’s always a reason we’re struggling that makes sense, whether it’s past trauma, too many stressful things, imbalances in our health and body etc. So many different things can affect us and it’s not our fault.

I’ve eventually found some good help but it did take a while and some perseverance. I’ll admit it wasn’t easy. It’s like I had to go through some really low points to get there. But often we’re at our worst before we find a better place.

Sometimes when I feel totally lost as you’re describing I try to ground myself by reconnecting through my senses. Last night there was a power blackout and I went outside to look at the stars. I already have a good view of the stars in my small town compared to the city, but with the blackout and no lights around the stars were exceptional. I saw two shooting stars as well. I had a feeling of wonder at the vast universe.

Is there something that you can connect with that takes you out of your suffering, even if for a little while? Maybe something you remember enjoying from the past? I’ve found getting through the really difficult times often involves finding ways of self-soothing and knowing you have that power within yourself to create some calm, letting go enough from struggle to have some good feelings. Those good feelings become like islands of hope that you can remember and return to when feeling overwhelmed.

I know you feel lost right now. The wave you describe is a wave you can ride or, as I have done with actual ocean waves, dive underneath to come up safely on the other side. See if you can breathe a little easier and just let go enough to feel a bit of peace. Even if it’s momentary you will know it’s possible and there’s hope. Take care.

KindSoul88 · ‎24-02-2023

Had a conversation with my therapist about things been going on since we last spoke. One of it was about this vivid imagery of a time I nearly got suicide a success… I don’t know what it means but it felt I was in that moment, the taste the feeling and what was going on around me while I lie there unconscious and barely breathing… it didn’t stop there, it’s showing me too is the moment I came out of a 4 day induced coma the feeling I felt and what happened next. I feel like I’m losing control of myself but by bit… I’ve been engaging in a different form of self harm every waking day hoping that it’ll be the last… I guess it’s not extreme enough to kill me which then has been triggering an urge to do a more drastic one to which I’m currently at atm. I’m guessing why not engage to a more drastic of self harm, one that has a probability of being the one… I never want to come out of any of these alive.. I want out and now is the time to do so., if not today, it’ll be tomorrow… if not tomorrow then the next day… it’ll be like that day in day out until that moment I eventually kill myself! These urge and thoughts aren’t gonna stop until I’m dead so might as well give into the urge, and the voices… I believe there’s no hope in me and that I am a lost cause… I never done anything right and if dying is me actually doing something right then that I shall do… I’m getting tired of this and just need to be at peace with myself that this is how it is… it’s done all I need is for it to work…

Sophie_M · ‎24-02-2023

Hey there, We can hear you're in an extremely difficult space right now. Thank you for sharing this update here - we know it's not easy to share this, you are not a lost cause at all.

We’ve reached out to you privately to offer some support. If you'd like to reach the time directly, you can call or webchat the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 - we'd love to hear from you. At any point if you're feeling unsafe or feeling like you may be unable to avoid acting on thoughts of suicide or self-harm, the number to call is 000 (triple zero).

Hopefully, we’ll hear from the community once they spot your post. Its also great to hear you have been engaging with your therapist.

We think it's really great that you could share here, and you never know who will feel less alone because of your post.  Kind regards, Sophie M

Eagle Ray · ‎24-02-2023

Hey Kind Soul

I hear you and I know it’s really, really hard right now. You have endured a lot. That feeling of not wanting to be here anymore can feel like a self-protection mechanism to end suffering. But it’s just that you’re utterly overwhelmed right now. It is possible to have different feelings again, and to find things that give you some peace and a sense of meaning and connectivity.

For a while now my mornings are filled with grief and crying in desperation, so I get something of the ongoing struggle you describe. I’m finding in the afternoons I start to connect with a few things that are calming. Then I have perspective and I can look back on the morning and realise although I felt terrible and at the end of my tether then, I can now feel an internal shift. So right now I’m by the river near the river mouth and I’ve just seen dolphins swimming and fishing. There is a beautiful turquoise blue in the water.

I just mention these things wondering if you can connect with something that lifts your spirits, or has done so in the past? Is there an animal you feel a connection with, a favourite colour, the feeling of a cool breeze on a warm day? Even where you are right now, can you feel your feet on the ground, see the colours and shapes of things around you? Sometimes engaging your senses can take you out of the distress you are in, at least to the point that you feel more grounded, stable and reconnected with yourself and your surroundings.

Feelings of hopelessness are a natural response to overwhelm and an accumulation of past struggle and stressful events. It might help to understand that your feelings are understandable, and then have compassion for yourself for what you have been through and the courage you’ve shown in reaching out for help.

Maintaining human contact can really help too, whether it’s your therapist, the BB helpline or whoever you feel might help to contact. If you feel able, something like going to a cafe to have a coffee and just be amongst others can help to shift the energy of aloneness and struggle. It can help to feel more settled and ok again.

Take care and sending you healing thoughts.