New Year's in the Psych Ward

[Candylover]

I'm really struggling at the moment. At the beginning of the month I was released from the mental health unit at the hospital because I was thinking about hurting myself. It's been a few weeks, and I've "settled" back into life at my parents house. Every day is harder and harder for me to wake up because I feel the feelings slowly creeping up on me a little more each day. I never feel happy. I noticed looking at all the pictures/videos of myself on the new phone I bought before Christmas. Every picture of me, the smile is fake. Its like this heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach or attached to my lower back, sometimes I try to ignore it, but it's always there- slowly eating away at me, and I don't know how much more I can take. A skater (I'm a skater. Started 6 months ago. Helps with depression.) committed suicide a week or so ago and it makes me feel so irritated because I know quite a few of the people who were friends with him. I had never heard of him until his passing, and then I realised how famous he was. How many other skaters in the community had skated with him and known him and done nothing about it. Been so selfish that they didn't even notice or care to help a member of their OWN community. Another guy killed himself last year. Why do we not help each other. Why have we let it come to this. What am I supposed to do. I've been dwelling on it a lot, and I'm not sure how to get their attention. How to change their ways. I'm so impulsive these days, I stuff my face with food when I'm sad, I do things like graffiti. I don't give a shit about this life or about myself. I wish it would all go away. But it can't. So I've gotta keep on doing things that make me feel alive. I'm a terrible person. I hate myself. My mind is a mess. I am a mess. Everyone hates me. No-one cares. I don't feel anything. My memory's stuffed. Lowkey wanna die right now.

P.S - I have borderline personality disorder that's why I'm all over the place.

Let me know what I can do to help skaters be less selfish.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Candylover,

Thanks for reaching out to the Beyond Blue forums tonight. We're so sorry to hear how frustrated and hopeless you feel at the moment. We can sympathise with your frustration at the lack of awareness and support you perceive in your community. It's very brave of you to want to raise awareness in your community and we think there are many positive ways this could happen. There are a number of ideas listed on our fundraiser page that could be helpful to you: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-involved/fundraise-for-us We can hear that you're feeling very low at the moment and we'd like to offer some additional support options to you which we've sent via private message.

We'd strongly urge that you get in contact with Kids Helpline on 1800 55 18 00  https://kidshelpline.com.au/. Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 by young people 25 and under via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided. 
    
You are also more than welcome to get in touch with our Support Service. We’re available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEDT on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our professional mental health counsellors at our Support Service will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area.

However, if you are in immediate danger of suicide or self-harm, this is an emergency, and you should call 000 (triple zero). Please keep us updated on your situation Candylover.

[Croix]

Dear Candylover~

I've read your other thread

https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/seeking-support/helping-yourself-and-others/online-forums/depression/lonley#qynID3HzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

and hear you. Actually I think you are wrong in some assumptions you make, perhaps I can convince you just a little that there are other things to think on. While it is true your thoughts can get jumbled and trying to cope is very hard. I do not see the same young person you do. I see a much more praiseworthy and empathetic person.

Lets take the skating. First of all you started in an effort to help your feelings, that shows initiative and resourcefulness. Then you found that a couple of skaters had recently taken their lives. Your reaction was one of sympathy and desire to help, to stop it happening again -that is praiseworthy and not the actions of someone that is of no worth -quite the opposite.

I do think you are off track in simply assuming all the people that knew theses two were selfish. Some might be perhaps however can I suggest most simply did not know, or even if they has suspicions were frightened of making things worse or simply not knowing what to do?

Wanting to stop this happening is the first step in being a leader, someone who tries to bring out the best of outcomes. You have been wondering how to do that. Well there are quite a large number of organizations that do go to sporting clubs, schools and other places and talk about suicide . Giving the facts, helping others understand something they my never have dreamed might cross their path. Saying what to do.

If it is an organized club go see the president and put a case for such an organization come and talk, it is normally free. If it is not a club then the owner of the rink (dunno the name for wheeled skate area, so rink will have to do), If you attend school or uni then there.

You have intelligence and resourcefulness and are motivated by a desire to do good and contribute. You have a good chance of getting something organized. Our 24/7 Help Line may be able to give you a list of such organizations who give talks in your area.

I think your would be surprised at the number of people these deaths have affected and would want to stop it happening again

I know I have only talked about just one thing in this post, my space is just about used up.

I would like to talk with you some more, please come back and say what you think of my suggestions

Croix