My mum has had suicidal "jokes"

[David35]

Several months ago, mum made a joke about going to sleep and never wanting to wake up. Now I've had suicidal thoughts myself in the past, so it triggered me. I rang my brother for help, but he just suggested I stick her in a nursing home using my power of attorney. I sent an email to her GP to chase it up. In the depths of her drinking and despair, she would often say these things with sincerity, but now that I've followed up on them, she says it was just all a joke. She now resents me because she has to see her GP about it, which she's not looking forward to. For hours today, we argued about it, because she simply doesn't accept the trauma that it invoked within me. Eventually, I stopped her by going into detail what my thoughts were many years ago. She never realised. But even now, after discussing the trauma that it invokes inside me, she still doesn't respect my "mental boundaries". After all, everyone she's spoken to sees it as a joke. But none of those people have had suicidal thoughts in their past. So my question, is who's problem is it to deal with? Mine, to stop over-reacting to such comments when she's balling her eyes out and has lost all will to live. Or hers, to respect my sensitive nature. If I was a bit more thick-skinned, I may not have reported her behaviour to her GP. She is 77 and severely depressed and even though I am getting counselling which is helping, leans on me an incredible amount during her cancer treatment. I've tried to explain to her that it's a bit like a reformed alcoholic sitting in a bar, or a reformed smoker sitting amongst other smokers. To me, it's just not acceptable behaviour.

[David35]

To eagleray,

Your brother sounds very ignorant. Mine is at times, although he is getting better. I told him how the therapists have uncovered a level of trauma with looking after mum, and I think my bro relates to that because he's seen so much trauma in his job as a cop. I've always wondered why we put so much weight in some people's opinions. Sometimes we value our relatives opinions more, but as I've discovered they can be just as ignorant. If someone criticises me, I think to myself well is that true. If I don't think it is then worthwhile listening to them. I think its the doubt they put in your mind that is unsettling.

At my worst, dad used to say " he just doesn't want to work". But the reality was that my cognitive abilities declined as a result of my head injury. It wasnt his fault he thought thus way. Once I was diagnosed though, things were different. So ignorant people can be educated. Usually only people with open minds.

The other thing is that hurt people often try to get rid of their own hurt by hurting others. I firmly believe this. But they never do. It's good your mother apologised though.

[David35]

Yeah you can listen to people's concerns who are often ignored by the rest of society. My bro too is very self absorbed. There is nothing wrong with pleasing people as long as you're not taken advantage of. It's often a fine line to walk.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear David,

 I think we probably value our relatives opinions, especially those of our immediate family of origin, because it’s where we first establish a sense of self in the world. We initially depend on that family of origin for our survival, so their opinions feel like they really matter. If they seem hostile or rejecting in some way, it can really affect us. I totally agree with you that others lash out when they are in emotional pain, and that pain may have nothing to do with us, yet we become the target.

Sometimes they eventually get something of the struggles we’ve had, like your Dad starting to get your experience and the diagnosis making a difference. I started to suffer 2-3 horrific migraines a week from the age of 13 and early on I heard my Dad say from the kitchen that he thought the migraines were all in my head, as in made up. As I lay there in debilitating agony and going through hours of vomiting I remember I just wanted to thump him. A couple of years later he had grasped they were real. But having what you are going through being invalidated by family can be the most hurtful thing. Sometimes they just don’t get it.

 I think anything that affects you cognitively is very hard to communicate to others. It’s invisible to them and the challenges are difficult to convey. I think the important thing is to maintain kindness towards yourself. You know what is real for you and it’s ok to look for the supports you need. I say that as someone who is often not able to ask for support, but I’m learning how important that is and that it’s part of self-care.

 I hope things settle with your Mum. It’s definitely a challenge when you are in that caring role. Remember to really take care of yourself and make some things a priority for you that are just for you, whether it is your woodworking or something else. I feel like it’s really important to still have your own life, interests etc happening, perhaps especially when you are a carer. Take good care,

ER