My dealings with the health system, is it tailored more for female support? *Trigger warning - suicidal thoughts*

[DeltaJ]

Hi there,
I wasn’t sure which forum to post this on,
I haven't frequented the forums for quite some time. I went through a couple of years of severe anxiety and depression some years back, and had support on here at the time. I've been muddling along ok since, with occasional times with mild A&D.
I find as I'm getting older, my medical support needs are increasing too. (I'm a 60 male, long time divorced and recently retired, living on my own in a regional area).
I’ve always had considerable trouble with finding a GP who is willing to give me the focus needed to address my medical concerns. It’s been more than 30 years since I’ve had one I could call, “my GP”. I know there is a stereotype of males choosing to ignore health issues, but I’ve never been like that…quite the opposite, if only I could get the attention of the health system like I see the women I know, expect. I’ve started to get annoyed, and feeling like I have to wait until it is serious enough that I won’t be disregarded for people who are really sick.
Whenever I’ve mentioned the topic to people I know, they think I’m being defeatist, but I point out that I’m only feeling that way from my own experiences over the years. I’ve been told to just stand up and “insist” I get some attention. Apart from not being able to do that, I am also conscious these days that with the security issues in hospitals and clinics, that as a male, my insistence may be taken the wrong way, so I just accept it, as I am so afraid of the slightest verbal conflict. I fear I may just become another failed statistic of the health system.
I'm a male who is historically a bit short on assertiveness, and with all the media attention on how bad men are to women as a general rule, find it hard to reconcile with myself that I even belong in this world now, just because of my gender. I’m probably being irrational about it, but I haven’t been able to invalidate those feelings in the highly charged social atmosphere these days, and increasingly my already lack of assertiveness when seeking medical support is amplifying this.
I’ve talked to men who acknowledge they are taken more seriously when visiting the GP with the support of their female partners. My last severe anxiety attack was actually brought on by my dealings with the health system, and seems as if when I really need the support it in fact, makes things worse.
I don’t really know what to do, as the very suggestion “to seek professional advice” causes me great anxiety!

[Croix]

Dear Chris~

Welcome back to to forum, I'm sorry it is in such circumstances but am happy to hear that in the intervening period you have been able to cope.

I guess I can relate to that stereotype of a male, the John Waynes of this world, not me any more than you I'm afraid.

I don't know if females get more time attention in a visit, and can well understand you do not want to make a fuss but do of course need proper support.

I guess I might consider writing down what you need to have dealt with in point form and sharing the paper in a pre-booked long appointment. I've found it helps, I don't forget anything, and the list is there as a reminder so the GP does not either.

Do you think that is doable?

Living on your own is not always a good thing, apart from practicalities such as household matters it does tend to isolate many folks. Do you have any particular interests you might follow, hopefully ones that get you out and about with others?

Incidentally when I had hypnotherapy I was not given a blanket -I'm jealous:)

You gave some pretty good advice to Sparkvark about exercise and not letting things pile up -and most importantly you talked of self-reward as something to look to and motivate.

Irrespective of how the help lines are (and I have heard favorable reports) you are always welcome here

Croix

[DeltaJ]

HI Croix,

thanks for your suggestions. I have tried writing a list in the past, but mainly for myself, and haven't handed it to the GP. I will try that next time. BTW, I do still practice my own advice and get a fair bit of exercise, and reward myself for my achievements 🙂 Unfortunately, I've found most of the leisure activities I do, as much as I've tried to find people to do them with, in the end, I end doing up them on my own. It seems like if I am to socialise, I have to do activities which are other peoples pastimes. I re-read some of my old posts. I had forgotten that I had been experiencing my male disadvantage even then! I wish I could shake those thoughts, but I keep having experiences which reinforce it. I feel a bit embarrassed about it, and guess I need to stop talking about it.

Anyway thanks for the reply....

(may we go though life gently and count each day as a good one, if we have touched someone positively) 🙂

Chris

[Croix]

Dear Chris

I find walking a dog is a sure fire way to start conversations and even walk along with complete strangers. While I'm limited in distance the social contact is genuine and pleasant.

Good luck with the note

Croi

[DeltaJ]

Hi Croi,

yes, walking a dog seems to be a good social pastime. Unfortunately I don't have any pets at the moment. I keep considering it again, but I'm not confident enough to take one in right now. I don't trust my emotions. In fact, I find my moods can be really variable...good about life, and wonder why I say the things I do when I'm down, and I have the urge to provide support to others, then I have my down times, and I can't see why I felt so good. Today is a down day. Sorry, this topic is now in the wrong category!

Chris

[Croix]

Der Chris

My post just vanished - maybe the dog ate it - so if you get two similar ones from me then that is the reason why.

>Sorry, this topic is now in the wrong category!

Your thread may start on one topic, and meander over with differing subjects in each post, it is still OK, nothing to concern yourself about, in fact being able to talk of other things is good.

Being down all the time has one extra disadvantage, it defeats planning. If there are periods when you do feel better I guess they are opportunities to make plans to lessen the effects of the next down -if that makes any sense.

So what would you advise yourself as far as planning goes?

You have had pets before. May I ask what sort you have had, and also perhaps explain a little more about the confidence thing, I'm not sure I understand.

I find they make a house into a home. I've Sumo Cat dozing beside me as I type in front of a wood fire, he was named for his size, this is a name change, when he first came (from the pound) his name was Scardey-Cat

Croix

[DeltaJ]

Hi Croi,

yes, I’ve had conversations on forums disappear in the past too. Sorry if it was extra typing for you!

On the subject of planning, I do spend time planning things, trouble is, I often cancel those plans when the time comes I don’t feel up to it. I’ve also often avoided committing to things when asked, as I don’t trust myself that I will feel ok when the date arrives. As far as planning when I'm down, I cope well with my day to day living, as my good habits have always been well entrenched, and on autopilot. When I'm down I still eat well and look after myself. It's always been about my interaction with world that is variable, and I just keep to myself on the downer, as I've never been around people who have any patience for that.

I started some volunteering work when I first retired, only to find the stresses of dealing with strong willed people too much to bear, and feeling annoyed that I was in the same stressful situations as when I was being paid. I’d hoped that volunteering was full of people who were grateful for whatever help you could give, rather than being so expectant. I was constantly being pushed out of my comfort zone, and ailments with my health has me struggling to commit sometimes.
What I meant by my lack of confidence in owning a pet, I meant that I am not confident in my emotional stamina of a long period of time. As I said before, it’s all about by changing feelings at the moment. I don’t seem to have the emotional stability I always used to have.

I’ve had cats most of my life. Though also dogs in early life too, cats just seems to take a liking to me 🙂
The last couple of years I’ve adopted a cat twice, and both times it didn’t end well. They both had behavioural problems and needed constant attention, probably a young family would have been best. My house is just too quiet. It left me exhausted. Trouble is, I’d go to the shelter, and even though the staff would advise me to take the time to find one I would bond with, they would psychologically direction me to one which they wanted to move on.
My life nowadays is quite ironic really, I’ve gone through life achieving some pretty special and demanding things above the average in society, some very onerous and long term commitments, all with a sense of humbleness and that lack of assertiveness, perhaps the burnout from all this has caught up with me. 😞

[Quercus]

Hello DeltaJ (or do you prefer Chris?).

I read these recent posts about your experiences with medical care as a man and found myself nodding along.

As much as I want to expect more of our medical system and people in general from my experiences gender does make a difference to how we are treated medically.

Male or female... we all seem to be ignored at times. I cannot remember the number of times my concerns were ignored or excused by doctors. It sounds ridiculous to put into writing but hormones and the stress of being a Mum were actual excuses thrown at me by doctors that apparently overrode my need for assessment for depression.

You mentioned being treated differently if a woman came with you and this I relate to. It took my husbands pressure and support for me to be heard not just seen as an emotional or overreacting woman.

The system in place is deeply flawed and doctors are imperfect. Some are great. Some should really get sacked. Some just don't seem to care. For the most part patients get a ten minute appointment and the idea of having a long term GP is more luck than the norm. A depressing view of the medical system but one I learnt is important to recognise.

Why? Because if we leave it to others to dictate the care we get that is when people end up neglected. You have the same right as anyone else to get the help you need.

I suppose my point in this waffle is to ask you to consider what ways are realistic and possible for you to make sure you are heard?

Croix suggested a list (great idea too). Would that work for you?

Some things I find helpful to consider...

Write down the stereotypical excuses doctors give you to fob you off. Prepare a defence. Sounds stupid but when I'm rushed I go blank. Will walk in with a list of two things I need and walk out with neither achieved or doubting my needs.

Seek out another opinion. Rural services need major work. There are professionals that will consult via phone or Skype. Finding them is the hard part but they exist.

I'm sorry to sound so pessimistic.. this topic hits too close. I am angry. My husband was discharged from the closest ER (over an hour each way) at midnight yesterday with only an unfilled prescription, no medication given at all, phone with a flat battery and no care for his safety. That was blindingly obvious pneumonia.

I'm starting to see it is vital to learn ways to make sure you are heard even if means feeling uncomfortable or rude. Its not something that I find easy either.

[DeltaJ]

Hi Quercus,

Chris is fine.
Thanks for the suggestions and sharing your similar frustration. I know it can be a problem no matter whether you are male of female. What you described has been my experience in general for many years now, though I have in my recent personal experience noticed some bias as they expect men to not want to be interested in their own health. There seems to be a lot of lost ground made up for women with the advertised focus on women’s health. From your experience, and mine though, the reality is that in practice we are all suffering. I’m afraid though, I’ve lost a lot of the fight in me. I’ve not visited a GP for over a year now, even though I have some medical concerns I need to sort out, I just can’t bring myself to go through the stressful experience. I rather need to get some more blood tests, and have in the past used a remote specialist I periodically visit as a GP, to have them order tests for me. Even my local pathology only has a sitting up blood donor chair, and I have to lie horizontal otherwise I faint instantly and there is blood and broken glass everywhere! I’m not squeamish, and once horizontal can watch and participate in the needle insertion! So in the end I have to embarrass myself and ask to lie on the cold floor, much to the nurses displeasure.

I am currently on an immune drug which should be monitored by a GP, and I do have concerns about other aspects of my health due to its effect, but despite in the past the specialist advising to seek support, the last GP visit I had about it, was just an indifferent waste of time. I've even given up trying to fight them for an ongoing referral, as the GP's don't know my history. I decided after that, I would try to look after my mental health by not getting involved with the local health services.

I’m so sorry about your husband’s recent experience, that sounds more like the norm than exception these days. At least he has you to support him, I’m petrified of becoming ill, as I have no nearby family support and, in my mind, no medical support.

[IreneM]

Hi Chris -

I have been a severely ill person all of my life but I highly agree with Quercus about the difficulties in the GP sector (known as Primary Care). 10 minutes is hardly enough for anything except maybe a prescription or a quick referral to Tertiary Care. To me Tertiary Care is where the help is: to a large extent with mental health.

Regardless of gender it is all about finding someone that you personally click with and is willing to actively listen and attend to your needs. Just remember that with Mental Health there is no such thing as instant results. You have the right attitude about doing the work yourself, the job of the psychotherapist is to guide you and assist you to help yourself on a long road of self-discovery and recovery /management of symptoms (physical, thoughts and actions or lack of).

I would encourage you to try calling the support line below to discuss your concerns and if you feel that face-to-face care is not for you why not try mindspot.org.au? The Support Line can provide more information here.

It is helping me now, although like all mental therapy it is initially confronting and can be overwhelming. But it can be like a light bulb. The resources are like tools for you to use and put into practice and a therapist is on call (Phone or Email). Mindfulness skills, relaxation and sleep strategies would all help you. It is great that you are trying meditation.

Tip: I encourage controlled breathing by counting to 3 slowly three times, once as you breathe in for three seconds, again as you breathe out for three seconds and keep repeating for three minutes. Your abdomen should move as you breathe. Try doing it when you are most likely anxious eg: waiting to see a Dr (also try making a long appointment when booking).

Tip: If one Doctor doesn't listen to you and dismisses your need for mental help. Just persist and find someone else. If this is too much just call the BB Support Line below and ask about the Referral Service. Remember that how professionals treat you is their loss, not yours. Just find someone else because persistence will one day pay!

If you can just hold onto that statement knowing that you are doing the best you can.

You are doing really well - so hang in there!

Irene.