Losing myself again

[I_dont_know_anymore]

Hi,

This is my first post but I just needed to let it out.

I'm currently in high school and last year had a lot of issues with self harm and suicidal thoughts. 

I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression, and had a hard time going to school and would only do half days.

Late last year I ended up in hospital for a suicide attempt. The good thing was that I got a lot of support and people to talk to. Things were great for a while, I moved schools and could even do whole days!

But lately I've started to fall back where I was. The thoughts are back and the sh addiction has come back. It's not like I want to die anymore but I think about death a lot. I don't know what to do and I feel like I'm at an end.

Sorry for this I just find it hard to talk to people in real life.

-me

[Sophie_M]

Hey i_dont_know_anymore, 

Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here and for the first time on the forums. It sounds like you’re going through a really difficult time.  

We’re reaching out to you privately to check you’re ok. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give our counsellors a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636, and the team are really good at talking people through moments like this and working out options for more support.   

If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).  

It also sounds like the Beyond Now suicide safety planning app may be a helpful resource to you. You can read about how it works and where to download it here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning . You can even call Lifeline on 13 11 14 and compete it together with one of their counsellors over the phone. 

We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.  

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Croix]

Dear I_dont_know_anymore~

I'm glad you are here and have met Sophie_M already, she is friendly and does give good advice.

It's disappointing, frustrating and frightening when the old ways of thinking return. As I found they can come back. I also found having been though then the first time I was more able to cope the next itme, and I suspect that be true in your case too.

After all you are asking help help to understand and deal with the way you feel, and that's a pretty good start.

It sounds like after your time in hospital things got better and you had support and people to talk to. Do you remeber how that felt? Not to be alone, not to have to pretend, just talk with the confidence that what you said would be received OK and understood?

For me the only answer was to talk to peole in real life, and that was because it might be better than the horrible way I was feeling. It was an unknown, but  perhaps for you, having been through it once, it might be less hard than before, what do you think?

When you feel and overwhelming urge to harm yourself, or are constantly thinking about death is there anyone you could open up to and let them know? Company can make a huge difference. Being alone magnifies it all

One of the things I put in that BeyondNow Safety Plan Sophie was talking about was the sentence "I've been right here before and come out OK". I read that and it is a comfort.

I"d be really pleased if you would like to come back and talk some more

Croix

[Bob_22]

Hi I_dont_know_anymore,

Thank you for posting and for sharing your story. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been struggling lately with returning thoughts of death and self harm.

It is so great that you have recognised these thoughts returning and that you've actively reached out for help. This is often the most difficult step and you should give yourself praise. Please know that we are here to listen and that there are some great resources as Sophie pointed out. Additionally, I might recommend you reach out to your support network from after your hospital visit last year. They are in a great position to assist you as they have done so in the past and could also possibly help with any practical issues e.g. school commitments. 

Outside of this I can only share a few words from my own experience. I used to remind myself when I was in your position that recovery is often not a linear path. Sometimes it feels like taking one step forward and two steps back. This isn't very encouraging but as long as we continue our efforts then our recovery journey is not fruitless. My psychiatrist often tells me that the recovery and maintenance phase of depression (I am diagnosed with major depressive disorder) is often the most complex and drawn out. It can take time for the mind to recover from a significant setback and it's not as easy as turning a page (though I wish it were). But please know it is worth it in the end and that by continuing to reach out and leveraging those support networks we are setting ourselves up for long term success. 

Sorry if this seems like a vague reply. Please feel free to update us. I hope by coming and sharing your story you have felt some sense of support/community. We are here to listen. 😊💙

Bob