Losing control and worn down

[Radiocall]

Im 29, American born (been here 13 years), and have been trying to get into the arts 8ndustry for a long time. I started uni in 2019 to learn technical production and its been absolute hell. I don't have any friends, there are more than a few of my coworkers who don't even know my name. Ive been struggling with depression for a really long time now and the amount of ostracism I keep going through at uni is making everything harder to cope with. Nobody is close to my age, none of them ever include me or talk to me and I keep trying to tell myself they are only teenagers bit it still hurts so badly to be purposefully excluded so much. I learned on a volunteer show that my upperclassmen never had any intention of giving me a role that I wanted because my "behaviour" was "not going to be rewarded". Ive overheard conversations saying im a "downer" and that im not "fun" to be around.

Its really hard being back at uni when im so old, and not being able to rely on any of my peers for anything including academic support is so draining. I feel like a complete failure all the time, and its impossible to imagine a future that has any kind of fulfilment.

Things have been really hard lately and im just so sad and worm down all the time. It feels like im going to slip into something im going to regret at any moment.

[Quercus]

Hi Radiocall,

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so isolated and left out at uni.

It is a hard place to be in when you feel like you don't fit in and are excluded.

My first year of uni was like that too but I was one of the straight out of school students.

I had a horrible relationship/life outside of uni and felt different and couldn't figure out how to talk to anyone. It's lonely and it does make it harder when you don't even feel like you have anyone you can ask for help, ask questions or borrow notes if you're sick.

I suppose I wanted to reply because you're hurting and you've worked so hard to get where you are.

I hadn't realised I kept myself so apart. On the occasion someone did speak to me I'd answer simply and always keep it about work, nothing personal. I didn't start conversations or ask questions.

I focused on my study and tried so hard to get everything right because I felt they were critical of me.

Later I found out people had thought I was intimidating and felt I didn't want to know any of them. They thought I was competitive and looked down on them for not being as serious about study. It was a shock to learn.

What changed was I kept trying to start talking. If someone was sitting alone I'd sit a few seats away. Ask if they'd understood any of what the lecturer just said because it had gone right over my head. If someone was away I asked them if they needed the notes from the lecture. Little things but people noticed I was trying to make an effort.

Finally someone asked why I was bothering to talk now when I never had before. Rather than get defensive I answered honestly, that I had wanted to know more about everyone but I'd been pretty down and wasn't very good at starting conversations.

It wasn't easy and sometimes people are just jerks. But hopefully someone in your classes will be open to talking and realising age doesn't mean anything. We're all just people.

I hope things improve for you in time.

❤️ Nat