Looser, Failure, Unworthy

[AlostPosie]

Hi, Im feeling pretty shit atm. I am 51 I have 3 adult kids and been married 27 years. I am from a balkan family and so is my husband. We are old school and our upbrining is the balkan way. I am not one who is very out spoken and I dont argue cause I dont know how to, I dont stick up for myself which has to do with my father always telling me that i was stupid and he even told me that I wasnt beautiful at the age of 18, he was trying to convince me to marry an import (25) as I will never find anyone. Anyway that all happened and then he hit me and I threw him out, (but he handled me and i said No but he never accepted No....so fast forward I am 51& I have been married for a long time but during my first pregnancy I think I left hubby like 6 times and over the years I have left many times but always have come back. Hubby was an ass and has been for a long time only recently perhaps last 2 years he has changed, I believe that he is a narcissist but I also believe I am weak, I cant stand up for my self over the years he has told me Im stupid over the years, he is on the disability pension so I am the bread winner of the family and for most of the last 20 years i have been as he was in a car accident. We live on rent as 14 years ago we lost our house due to bad business decisions and my husband blames me that i made mistakes. actually everything that goes the wrong way has always been my fault he has never accepted blame for anything. My kids can finally see how he has treated me but like i said just lately he and i have been great. We had pups and on my watch one of the pups died, I apologised as i didnt do anything and he is so angry at me, I told him this is why I dont look after pets, I am a failure cause everything i do in life goes to shit. I hate myself and I am a total looser I hate me. I just want cry all the time i just want to go to my friend house and sleep at her house. I work literally 3 doors down from where I live (Disability worker) I dont want to live anymore, Our relationship with our son is shit, My daughter is lying about what boy she is dating as her dad has rules of who she can date, I dont agree with my husband in so many ways that it causes arguments, every time I disagree with him, he says i am stupid and i answer like a `12 year old I say to him there is nothing no ones says it is stupid just a different opinion. I dont know if to leave I deeply love him but its always been the way he says. There is so much more to this marriage story i dont have enough room to write about it. I want to leave but feel sorry for him I want to leave but how would i live everything is in my name, rent, mobiles, electricity EVERYTHING I would feel bad because he wouldnt be able to survive without me.....:(

[Sophie_M]

Hey AlostPosie, 
Thanks for reaching out this afternoon,We're really glad to have you join our community and thank you for sharing your journey with us. We can hear a lot of pain from your childhood and some tension now with your partner. It seems like you are handling a lot of different emotions and concerns and this must be so difficult. Please know you're are worthy of support and care, and we really hope you can find this here on our forums. 

If you feel up to it, we'd encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counselors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice, and referrals if this is something you might find beneficial. 

If you don't have much support where you are at the moment, we'd also suggest joining some local support groups or parent groups. You can find information on what support groups are available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I do agree with Sophie that you consider contacting the Beyond Blue support service. However, I'll try to answer your questions.

The situation you find yourself in is - whether to leave him and start fresh, whether you have the drive, motivation, determination and support from friends to do so. Having left long term relationships in the past I can say that issues like having services in your name is the least of your worries because you can inform your husband that you'll leave it in your name for say 8 weeks then if he hasnt changed it over to his name then you'll terminate the services at the house. That can all be done in a short well worded note written with kindness.

How important is it for you to live alone and find your peace? Do you see any hope in counselling so that your husband hopefully can treat you better, say with less blame and finger pointing with nasty words? Are you willing to try?

The other problem though isnt just his manner and treatment of you but your mental scars from how you were treated as a girl by others like your father. Such treatment has obviously left you with permanent personal limitations and reactions. Such reactions can manifest into feelings of being persecuted. I have this myself from the effects my mothers harshness and anxiety gave me as a young boy of which I'm still paying the price. My dear wife snapped yesterday at me and I burst out crying! I'm 65yo and 135kg but thats the effect on me from 55 years ago. In your case you are afraid to voice, to defend yourself. This can lead to others being harsher.

So, you have choices, but I'd suggest seeking some help in view that you have a family around you, is the first step.

TonyWK