Loneliness, PTSD & Suicidal Ideation

[C73]

Hi, 2 weeks ago I had another phase of suicidal ideation. I'm not new to this, I've had attempts in the past, I've had 2 long psychosis episodes since 2020 with lots of hospital admissions. My psychosis/addiction even took me to prison. 

I battle with PTSD symptoms now, struggle to work, very low stress tolerance, flashbacks, depression, anxiety, etc. Thankfully I have my sanity back and didn't get stuck permanently in a false reality. My diagnosis is drug induced Schizoaffective disorder & PTSD. 

I used to be very involved in the community, socialised a lot, and helped my then wife to raise our kids. I was a great father. That was until my mental health took a rapid turn for the worst and I self medicated. 

Life 2 years on from my last episode is vastly different. Completely isolated and lonely. All the people I thought were friends disappeared. So now I struggle with connections. I don't have much faith in people, especially in a society that still stigmatises mental illness. So what do I do? I isolate. 

Over the years I've had help from professionals to focus on my interests and to help make connections in the community, but it triggers me and I battle with anxiety. I see people in the community I used to be friends with, they ignore me or I ignore them. I want nothing to do with them. 

I don't have a sense of purpose in life anymore for myself other than my kids. I focus a lot on my kids when I struggle with suicidal ideation, but when I'm really struggling I feel my kids will be better off without me.

So, with social isolation/loneliness as well as living with mental illness, where does one fit into society again? My life for the past 5 years has been all about heavy mental illness stuff so I struggle with small talk. I've been abandoned by a lot of people due to my mental health, yet now that I'm level headed again how do I start the process of reintegration back into society, especially a small town community I was once a part of when half of me doesn't want to, given the past?  

If anyone has been lonely or has ideas/experience with finding purpose again, I'm all ears. At the end of the day I want to be here for my kids, I want to be the best father I can for

them. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear C73,

Thank you for sharing your story. I can sense your courage in dealing with your situation which you explain so well. I think one of the hardest things about mental illness is the stigma. It's already hard enough, but the stigma and loss of connection can make it so much more difficult again.

I think it's often when we are at our most vulnerable that we sometimes lose people because they don't know how to relate to us or support us in terms of what we've experienced. I'm diagnosed with Complex PTSD which I do not normally tell people about. However, I did end up mentioning it to a couple of relatives eventually but not in any detail. They went from being quite normal and friendly with me to quite distant, almost like I had a disease all of a sudden. I feel like I lost them in a way because I was honest about a part of my life they would rather didn't exist.

I think small towns can be particularly challenging too. I have been in a small town since 2022 and I haven't found it to be an open-minded or supportive environment. I think there can be an intolerance towards mental health struggles. What I am thinking of myself is reaching out to neighbouring towns and finding people to connect with there. For example, there is one town that has free meditations once a week. I've thought of going along to that to see some new people and do something peaceful, even though it's an hour's drive to get there.

I wonder if you have other towns nearby where you might be able to make some new connections? It could at least be a change of scene and you might feel more free to be yourself without judgement from others. Is there a hobby or interest you might be able to pursue in a shared way with others? I think once you start to have even just one or two meaningful interactions/contacts with others, you can start to feel connected to life again and then things start to feel more possible. It may be a way back to feeling like you can be there for your kids in the way you want to be. I can hear how much you love them and that you are a good and genuine person.

I would say just continuing contact with others makes a difference, whether it is communicating on a forum such as this or trying different groups to see if they might be worth being a part of. Do you have any kind of counselling or therapy support? I know cost can be a factor with that, but if you can find a good person to work with that can really make a difference too. And calling helplines can be a really good thing to do when feeling vulnerable which I have done myself many times.

I know loneliness is awful. I am living with it myself right now and I'm feeling profoundly isolated so my heart really goes out to you. I have noticed how much better I am after even one good human interaction, so my encouragement would be to stay open to connection but with the right people who are open themselves and can hold space for you. Such people exist, even though there may be others who are not as open and understanding.

Take good care and I hope you feel welcome here.

Kind regards,

Eagle Ray