life's to thick...

SoloLeveller

so, I've had suicidal thoughts for most of my adult life. I grew up seeing horrible things and had horrible experiences. I keep going on cause I'm a carer and a uncle. I had a small group of really close friends who I treated as family. two close friends who I thought would always be there for and also be there for them. (which I was) the reasons are to ridiculous to even type out or think about but, they jumped ship. now here I am. alone most of my waking hours. watching movies, watching anime, playing games, mowing lawns, etc. at this very moment I'm wondering why I'm still here and constantly telling myself there's good reasons to be here. but I'm just so tired of it all. no one to call, text or joke around with and it's eating away at me.

I love my family and the singular mate I have left but it's painful to exist just to exist.

I've asked myself so many times over the years- what's the point? why do these things keep happening? what did I do to deserve this so called life?

dealing with depression/PTSD/anxiety is so exhausting to constantly deal with and that's all I feel these days. just unrelenting, perpetual exhaustion.

sorry if this vent was a little to negative for my second discussion post but, negativity is my bread and butter -_-

therising

Hi SoloLeveller

There is never any need to apologise for being fully conscious of what can be bringing us down. While it all may sound negative, it's our truth. We should be able to express our truth freely so that

We can have others feel what our truth feels like for us
We can have others help us make better sense of it
We can have others help us see it from a different much needed perspective, leading us to certain revelations
We can have others help us see the way forward through what can feel so dark for us at times
We can have others support our vent, so that we may feel a little lighter in getting it out

and the list goes on. So many different reasons for why there can be a need to express ourself at times.

As a sensitive gal, who can easily sense, it can definitely be challenging to sense what 'Groundhog day' feels like (when every day feels the same). It can be challenging to sense what a lack of meaningful relationships feels like, what certain inner dialogue feels like, what not being able to see the way forward feels like, what certain memories feel like etc etc. I think if we were insensitive, we wouldn't have as many challenges. We can end up being so challenged through our ability to sense so much, an ability that can definitely feel like more of a curse at times.

Throughout my 54 years on this earth, I've found one of the greatest challenges to involve a lack of wonderful or wonder filled people. Have you ever noticed the number of people who won't or don't wonder with you, leaving you to wonder alone? It's like you could say 'Why do I suffer so much at times?' and no one or few people sit with you and wonder why you do. They won't or don't wonder with you in regard to how or where the suffering really all started. They won't or don't wonder with you in regard to what it is that could make the difference to you, in relatable ways. At times it can more so be about the stuff we can't relate to doing, like going for a run when we're mentally/physically exhausted or stopping the habits that are the only things giving us a high or smiling more often when we can't feel anything to smile about. Stuff like that. So many pieces of advice can be given to us by well meaning people, advice that feels completely unrelatable. One of my faves is 'You just need to get on with life'. Hmmm🤔.

While we can feel so incredibly lost, exhausted and down at times, it's important to keep in mind that one of the reasons we can be struggling so much is largely based on the fact that no one's really shown us how to do life. How do you do life or live life when no one's shown you how to use your ability to feel (in constructive ways)? How do you do it when no one's taught you how your imagination works, how your chemistry works, how your thought processing, belief systems, inner dialogue, energy systems in the body and an enormous amount of other stuff works. In other words 'How to wing it without any great sense of self understanding?'. From my own experience, it can feel impossible and deeply depressing at times. I've also found there's no choice but to gain the education, while looking for some really solid guides who can offer the best education. Is it possible to educate ourself out of how we're currently experiencing life? I believe so. 'Where to start?' becomes the question.

SoloLeveller

hey therising,

thanks for the reply to my message, it's very much appreciated. I do agree with what you've typed out here and 'where to start?' is definitely the question. a question I still have no answer for but I do try to fight the good fight.

'you just need to get on with life' really is the one of the comments I hear most. but I also have responded with 'no ---- Shirlock'. I'm also been trying to find new friendships (or even acquaintances) but I have a lot of hesitance after close friends I've had for decades just up and leave. I seem to be in a semi giving up or tired of trying mood.

but yeah, trying is all any of us can really do I guess.

thanks again for the informative reply 🙂

therising

Hi SoloLeveller

With the remark 'You just need to get on with life', it used to really bring me down. I used to think 'What's wrong with me, why can't I do it (just get on with life) like everyone else?'. Then one day I woke up to the fact that I'm a visual person. So, if you give me no vision when it comes to 'getting on with life', if you just give me those words and nothing more, I can't see a damn thing through those words. There is absolutely zero visual through those words.

Something else I also woke up to is how my lack of tolerance for those words is not entirely a bad thing. On the contrary, it's completely understandable. It's amazing the labels we can be given when it comes to our intolerance, such as 'difficult', 'sarcastic', 'rude' and some not so nice labels beyond these. Btw, I couldn't help but laugh at your 'No ---- Shirlock' comment. I must use that one in future, it's a good one. I haven't used that one before. I think the intolerance stems from the response, after asking the question 'And how do I do that, just get on with life?'. The responses can be

'I don't know'. Well...hmmm...yes, now you can see my problem. I don't know either. Thanks for expanding on that
'You need to stop over analysing everything'. Do you not understand I'm trying to analyse the hell out of everything, so that I gain some sense of heaven on earth. Even just a tiny bit of it will do for now, as hell on earth is really starting to do my head in
'You need to start putting yourself out there more'. So, no working on developing self esteem, no boosting of confidence or developing a strategic management plan for tackling social stressors/social anxiety? I just need to get out there and that's it?

What's suddenly comes to mind is something I've never really considered before and that is I believe we interview potential friends, whether we're conscious of it or not. Gaining an internal view of who people are helps tick all the right boxes. Do they have the same sense of humor as us? Do they have a similar longing for adventure (adding ventures to life)? Do they have the ability to sense as well as we do, from what can be felt as joyful through to what can be felt as depressing or stressful? Do they like to wonder as much as we do, imagine as much as we do or question as much as we do? Are they trustworthy like us? Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick all the way down the interview list, with the heading of 'Potential friend'. If they like sameness with no adventure, if they don't like to wonder or imagine and if intuition screams 'YOU CAN'T TRUST THIS PERSON!!!', is it three strikes and you're out and then we move on to the next potential friend? Then there are the levels: Acquaintance or basic friend, good friend and the greatest of friends. Different people fill different roles in our life. I've found 'the greatest of friends' tends to be a much longer interview or internal view process which takes time. I suppose we could ask 'Where am I going to conduct my interview/s (gaining a gradual view of a person over a matter of weeks)?'. Could such a friend be found at a cafe, through the person who always says 'Hi' to us each day. What's the next step beyond a 'Hi' back? Could it be at a local club? Could it be at a place we go to with an existing friend? Could it be through a place of study/learning, through a short course of interest? Then there are online friends who we may never meet in person yet care enough to make a difference to us 🙂.