Just so tired of being me

[anon85622]

The only reason I'm still alive is because ending it all is so much effort, and I'm scared I'll survive. I'm a teenage girl (under 18), and I'm in year 2 of my biomedical degree. I have autism, and lately basic things have been stressing me needlessly, on top of all the other issues in my life. I am having needless trouble with my assessments because the formatting/wording makes no sense to me (I struggle a lot with digital quizzes) and I haven't been able to get those switched to written assignments. I let my work pile up because I haven't been mentally or physically well for a while. I constantly study overnight, which has taken a toll on me physically. I live alone so it's all my own problem. My parents are going through a messy divorce and I also come from a low socioeconomic background, I really don't have much. Their marital issues are not my problem, I keep telling myself that. I know I should just be happy with what I have, I'm very fortunate to have my place in my course and my current research position too. But I just can't seem to be. People think everything I have is just because I'm lucky. That stings. Lucky to have what? A broken home?  A dozen health issues?  I feel like I don't deserve anything, as a result. I'm a social outcast, all I really have is my academic skills and my grades- I put my entire sense of self worth on my ability to perform academically. I am somehow losing the joy and the passion I found in research too- I'm scared, I'm really scared. It feels like I'm losing a major part of me. But if there is another life, I really hope I can find happiness in knowledge again. It feels like I've lost the one thing making me happy- The one thing making living feel worth it. Every little mistake I make feels like I'm grating my soul. It feels like in the last decade and a half of my life, I've achieved nothing. I can't be proud of myself. To my parents, I am just the family embarassment. My parents still don't treat my studies or my research seriously, they still don't think I have any real responsibilities. I'm lonely, I feel worthless, I feel like nothing I do will ever be enough. I don't even have an answer as to who I am or what I like, I have no real sense of self. I like knowledge because it fills the void in my heart. Living to sate my curiosity doesn't feel worth it anymore. Yet, somehow I need to keep up this image of a good student. It feels like every day I am acting. This is exhausting.  Make it stop. Help me.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

A well written post, I hope I can help. I felt much like you at your age and to escape from school, sadness and family issues, left to join the Airforce when I turned 17. So perhaps one answer is to strive for work away from home rather than the pressure of studies? Your mental well being is priority even if you drop your education and pick it up later. Everything has to be considered negotiable.

When I was 23 my brother took his life and years later my uncle as well. My sister  daughter and myself all made attempts. Clearly something was wrong. Then I was diagnosed with bipolar, anxiety,  depression and autism high functioning. All my family had some mental issue.

It became clear all my problems centred around the mental illnesses. I also have physical problems so I have lots of meds daily. How have I coped?.

My 1st task was to focus on what I have control of. Eg illnesses I have no control so I look after my health best i can then forget about it. I wasnt good at school so I left and forgot about it. I grew hatred for my mother so I took her out of my life and stopped thinking about her as much as I could (not easy)

 Then i found motivation from a positive thinking lecture. It changed my life. 

When my marriage fell apart every day I stared in the mirror and said aloud "you are a good person, a good dad and you will survive". After 3 months it worked, confidence improved. Our minds are like computers- they operate better when you feed them a new app.

You are fearful of the unknown, your future when really it is dependent on wise decisions based on your health not the expectations of society or people.

I could talk for hours on this  but ultimately it's you that must decide if you want a great life or not. All I can say is it's worth growing into the person you aspire to be

 Im willing to talk daily. Im here every day and I'll see your questions when I log on. I look forward to it.

You are articulate, intelligent and wonderfully unique. I know it, you can convince yourself of it.

I walked around the block, cold windy and nearly got run over... but I saw a bee gathering nectar from a red rose... the walk was worth the risk... for that bee

What do you think?

TonyWK 

[anon85622]

Hello,

Thank you for sharing your story. I took a long sleep today despite my assignments, and I got an extension on a test. I'll try to work through everything slowly. It's just really hard to see any worth in myself. I'm usually told that other people my age are still in high school and aren't doing nearly as much, but that type of comparison only seems to make me feel worse. Trying to find solace in studying again- I'll try to stop at 4am and get some rest. Thank you for reading my post. 

I suppose to me, the one really important thing in my life is knowledge- I live for it. I live to answer questions and satiate my curiosity. There's no real driver to it outside of me being an innately curious person, though I suppose I do fear what I do not know. Lately existential thoughts have been getting to me too. 

I'll sign off and work on some calculations now. Again, thank you for talking to me.

[white knight]

You're welcome. 

Do you have hobbies? Interests? Anything you are good at? What knowledge are you interested in learning about?

Please dont interruption your studies to answer my questions.  Answer when and if you want. No expectations here.

Sleep, lack of it can be a major issue with mental health. More on that later. 

TonyWK