Just need to vent in a safe place.

[Skippy_07]

Hello,

Why does this fight feel like it’s a battle that can’t be won, I’m tired, I’m not sleeping well at night, guess I just want to share as text as I find it hard talking by voice physically or virtually

This nightly nausea (that fuzzy uncomfortable feeling you get seconds before vomiting but for hours) I have had since I was a kid and been stupid I use to hide it from my parents until my late teens and even now they only know about it when it’s really bad.

then sensory issues on top where the sound of people eating, coughing, yawning, sneezing or heavy breathing makes me so uncomfortable and agitated, even after that sound is over I can still hear it as clear as if it was still happening for a range of time after making me even more agitated

I seen my GP (he kept making a sucking sound between each sentence I wanted to say something but was to scared, by the end of the appt I was extremely edgy) yesterday to explain I’m starting to feel scared Im going to lash out as I have already started snapping back with no control it happens so fast I don’t get the chance even stop my self from doing it by mimicking the sound but in a really aggressive tone. The GP recommended me a few things like breathing exercises, grounding and even using a rubber band to snap on my wrist I know it’s not been long but the rubber band snapping sort of helps me but I find my self getting really snap happy if the feeling is bad then it stings for awhile after

I struggle to focus on things I want to enjoy or did enjoy like programming, drawing I just lose focus within a few seconds to a minute even if I really want todo it then I get really agitated and upset at myself

People say if you are unsafe to go to a hospital but my last experience was traumatic I know what I heard, a nurse saying I wasting there resources and if I was going to do it I would just do it, but now I’m questioning if that was a delusion from not sleeping in over 48 hours and that’s making me question if I’m attention seeking even though I hesitate to tell anyone how I feel, hospital investigated the complaint my GP lodged and they ended up apologising for how I was treated but even with that I don’t think I could ever go to one again even for a physical emergency, eg I was choking 2 weeks ago I forced my self to clear it my self was really scary but I’d choose that option over asking for help. I try to plan my words and actions carefully to avoid a hospital visit at all costs now

thanks for reading my vent

[Sophie_M]

Hey Skippy_07, welcome to our friendly online community. We are so glad you decided to join us here. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need. 

We're sorry to hear that you have nightly nausea, sensory issues, feel edgy, and that you are fearful of the hospital. It sounds like you are dealing with lots of things right now. Hopefully venting this on our forum has helped you to feel a little bit better. 

We know you said you find it hard talking by voice, but please know that you are always welcome to make contact with our online support service. They are available on Webchat from 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 

If things become too distressing and overwhelming for you, and if you have thoughts of suicide or self-harm, please know that there are online crisis support services available such as Lifeline Suicide Call Back Service. You can access these online chat and/or email-based services by visiting their websites.

https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/
https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-text/ 
https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/

We're not sure if you've heard of safety planning, but in case you haven't, we thought we'd briefly inform you about it. People use safety planning to help them stay safe when experiencing suicidal thoughts, feelings, distress or crisis. We have an app that people can use to create a safety plan. There is also a web version. You might want to learn more about this here: ty-planning?gclid=Cj0KCQiA4b2MBhD2ARIsAIrcB-TtofWfCYCno5FXmslxq9ZoRkIbHGqP7kfHsw-bJNC6Nb5QbEGcoLAaAnDQEALw_wcB

We hope that some of these suggestions are helpful for you. Please continue to come here and post as you see fit. We are always around to listen. 

[Banksy92]

Hi Skippy_07,

Sorry to hear you've been dealing with so much right now and that you had such a negative experience in the hospital. No one deserves to be treated that way and I'm glad to hear they at least acknowledged it wasn't right. Please don't let a single experience stop you from seeking medical assistance if you need it though, there are so many brilliant doctors and nurses who are there to support you and ensure you are safe.

That's great the rubber band technique is helpful, how did you go with the grounding and breathing techniques? I find these can be really helpful when I'm overstimulated.

I was wondering if you have considered asking your doctor about a mental health care plan? Would you be open to speaking with a psychologist about how you've been feeling? I'm not qualified to make any assumptions here, but you have shared some unique symptoms that a specialist may be able to help you manage or overcome.

[Skippy_07]

Hello Banksy92 and Sophie_M,

Thank you for the welcome, I'm a little more at ease about posting now after your kind and informative reply's I was going to post last night but kept putting it off getting really upset about if I should post or not.

Sophie_M Thank you for them links I have booked marked them but been really honest I'm not sure I'd use them I have always found it hard to admit feeling suicidal I can't even say the word aloud, and the last time I reached out for help I felt like I got in trouble for it, and it might be easy to say/I even tell my self it that I should not let one bad experience stop me but it's complicated.

Banksy92 Thanks for the encouragement, The breathing and grounding techniques help depending how worked up I let myself get and that really depends on how I'm feeling that day.

I'm on a mental health plan my last (12th) appt with the psychologist is on Wednesday (was meant to be 2 weeks ago but I felt to sick to go) The lady has been really nice but we mostly focused on the OCD and dealing with handling distress, the ocd feels more like coping then its own thing as I only excessively clean (you will not find a spec of dust in my room when I'm down that rabbit hole and everything gets aligned to the mm with symmetry a big focus point but then I'm not happy with the results and that then feeds it more a vicious circle) When I'm really distressed other times my room is a mess (well I say a mess mum says cleanest room in the house)

Learned about the sitting with the distress levels hit peak it will come back down but I always bail and fall into my safety behaviours like cuddling my minky blankie (I'm really worried when summer comes and it gets to hot to cuddle it) before it comes back down as I start getting unsafe thoughts. There is so much I leave out when I see the psychologist and even the doctor like I tell my self I need to talk about this or that but when it comes time I freeze up and I'm screaming in my head say it say it but rarely do. The psychologist see it sometimes and tells me I see you want to say something but I just smile and do a half hearted laugh for some reason like its not a funny laugh more a I'm to scared so I'm going to deflect with a laugh.

There is more I'll say later as I'm feeling more free to type here as there is no time limits and I don't know its just something about typing atm that feel right even though its taken me alot of time to type up as my focus keeps getting broken every minute or so.

[Banksy92]

Hi Skippy_07,

I'm really glad to hear you've had some support through a mental health care plan and have been able to use grounding techniques to help in difficult times. I totally understand though, sometimes when we're really worked up it can be hard to get the most out of them. I've found by exploring as many coping strategies as possible, I have built out a selection I can choose from when I really need it. Everything from meditation, to journaling, to being creative or exercising... different situations call for different coping strategies.

I can relate to some of what you describe, I've been working with my psychologist to 'sit in the uncomfortableness' to try and desensitize my urge to clean neurotically (I am triggered when I have guests coming over) for me, it's baby steps. Choosing one small thing I would have cleaned/organised and leaving it out when I do the others. It's hard but getting easier. I also try and use this time to pause and breathe through it.

I'm really happy to hear you feel safe to write how you're feeling here, and express yourself. It's a great place to do this, I've found real comfort here sharing my thoughts and experiences here. We always welcome your posts. I know it can be really hard to vocalise our deepest feelings and thoughts, it's understandable if you don't feel comfortable or ready to share. But please know if it ever gets too much or you feel up to it, the wonderful people on service lines are able to help you.

When is your final session with your psychologist? Perhaps they can refer you on or give advice on if you can extend the care plan. Let us know how you get on.

[Not_Limited]

Hi Skippy_07

So glad you feel a bit safer talking on the forum. We are all here for you.

You know, I have ADHD and sometimes with ADHD it is really difficult with the inability to control emotions very well. Especially as a teenager, I used to become so agitated, angry at the world state and just wanted to lash out. So I somewhat get how you feel. The more you try to bottle it up and pretend to be normal to those around you, the more agitated you get and the more you feel like you just want to hit something. For me personally, (and everyone is different) I started martial arts. For me, it was great because I enjoyed sports and it was physical, but mostly it gave me a controlled safe outlet for my frustrations, anger, fear etc. My trainer will always be someone I have fond memories of, because he could see I needed to lash out at something, so punching mits on and the encouragement to hit them as hard as I needed to (poor guy). That may not be for you, but I do believe that having something safe to take your anger and frustration out on is good physically and mentally for when you are feeling that way. As an adult, I have a punching bag. That poor bag gets told so many frustrations I am feeling at that particular moment as I am free to yell at it anything I want to, get it all out at the same time and give myself a physical outlet as well. I can't hurt the bags feelings and I can't hurt the bag physically, but boy does it feel better afterwards. Even going into nature and just yelling out anything that's upsetting you. The trees and the animals are not going to care what you are yelling. Finding something calming and soothing helps though too. I love the beach and just sitting quietly and listening to the waves hit the rocks or a running creek and listening to the water. The saying "the quiet before the storm", I believe in the reverse as well, as it's always good after the storm to just sit and feel the quiet the storm has allowed you to feel.

[Not_Limited]

Starting to talk with a psychologist at first can be really hard to mesh with them, feel comfortable about talking and being heard, not judged. If you feel that way though, ask to see a different psychologist. Finding one that really fits with you helps. Counsellors can be the best listeners as well. The hard part is what you have mentioned though, remembering everything you are meant to or want to say, not comfortable to put into words verbally because you don't want to be judged. Because I have ADHD, and especially if I'm really anxious, my memory becomes like a sieve when I sometimes go to my GP or psychiatrist. So what I do, is I write it all down before I go in. I will start a list as I remember things between visits and just keep adding to it. That way when I go in I can just hand it to them or as memory joggers. Like this forum, sometimes it's easier to write our feelings down than do face to face as it can feel a little confrontational, especially when already agitated. The writing does two things, acts as a journal to write it all down and get it all out, but also a non-verbal start for your doctors when you go in and see them, so they can see how you are feeling. There is also a phone app called eMoods Wellness Tracker that is free. You can track your moods, add notes and then generate a report to give to your doctors so they can see how you have been travelling each day. It's also good for you so can see possibly what some triggers may be other than noises, that makes you feel so irritable.

I have noise problems as well. It's called Misophonia. Have a look on YouTube. There are some good doctors on there that explain it and ways to also help it you may be able to discuss with your doctors when you see them. In the meantime, I wish you all the very best and hope you have had a reasonable day today.

[Skippy_07]

Hello everyone,

thank you all for the messages I’m a little overwhelmed atm to reply in any detail but have made notes on some of the feedback and recommendations like that emood app.

so I’m currently in hospital I arrived a few hours ago just got taken from the waiting room to a room in the emergency waiting to see the doctor and mental health team.

I was the most honest I have ever been to my psychologist telling her everything my thoughts, plans and after we talked for an hour it was recommended that I go to hospital to stay safe because she suggested the main one in the city not the one I was mistreated at there was a little hesitation but I allowed my self to say okay.

been that open about suicidal thoughts and my plans was so hard I almost didn’t say a thing.

I’ll likely be back on later to talk more but atm I’m really exhausted seeing I have not slept in a couple days and the amount of stress and panic I just went though.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Skippy,

Thank you for updating us here. We're so glad to hear you were able to be honest with your psychologist, we acknowledge how much bravery this must've taken. We really hope this time in hospital is a positive experience for you and please keep us updated when you can.

[Not_Limited]

Hi Skippy_07,

I am so happy you were able, to be honest, and receive the help you currently need. I know the hospital system can be very daunting and some staff have more of a stigmatism towards patients than the unaware public, so I hope this experience is much better for you. Just remember if you are having problems to reach out to your psychologist and let her know.

Rest well and we are all here for you when you need us.