Just hopeless and tired…

[Pennieee]

I am going through another bad time of my life and I just can’t seem to get over it. I’ve had these feelings before and they have gone away and now they’re back. I just feel hopeless and empty. I have thoughts of not wanting to wake up so I don’t have to feel this way anymore but I never thought of how…nor have any plans to. They’re just thoughts of what if…I still turn up to work, still smile and say ‘I’m good’. I just wish someone or something can pull me out of this mesh I have in my mind. I just don’t know what else to do…I don’t think I want to harm myself. But the thoughts of not wanting to live anymore just won’t go away…

[Pennieee]

Thank you white knight!

I have told them that I would like to move out and it has turned really ugly…there were some emotional blackmailing…and it just makes me feels worst about myself. I know im my heart I deserve to be in a better position that I am now, that I don’t need live like this anymore, but I’m just not brave and a strong enough to take that leap. I’m scared for myself because I wish so much that I could be happier, but I don’t know how or when 😞 I’m so trapped in my own mentality it’s tiring…

[therising]

Hi Pennieee

You sound like such a beautiful conscious person so tormented by traditional values and a lack of support and understanding. I think when we gradually come to evolve beyond certain traditions, the generation that makes the break is typically classed as difficult or insensitive or disrespectful etc. The great trail blazers in history cop the most poop from people. The generations who follow the trail blazers benefit without putting in all that effort that comes with change.

It is said that the ability to 'feel' is a 6th sense. While a whole stack of people around us are working hard (or not) to become insensitive, they're actually not exercising a really important sense. We want to be able to sense or get a feel for who's depressing or holds ill will towards us so that we can manage such people consciously and effectively. We want to be able to sense who's inspiring, who's a great leader or who's leading us in the wrong direction. We want to be able to get a good sense or feel for who or what is too stressful for us to manage or manage alone. We need to be able to sense who needs our compassion and support. The list goes on and on when it comes to all the things we're capable of sensing as long as where developing that ability. Now, here's where the fun comes in and I hope I get a smile out of you. While I could have someone like my husband or brother say to me 'You're thinking too much. Stop over analysing everything' or 'You're way too sensitive', I will on occasion hold my arms and palms up and out in front of me, aimed in their direction, while slightly bowing my head with my eyes closed. Then I will say 'Shh. What is this I am sensing with my psychic powers? I get a sense you are a closed minded person. Am I right?' or 'I get a sense that I am talking with a very insensitive person'. 😂 They tend to roll their eyes in frustration as I smile. In a way, I suppose you could say it's about creating or making light  or fun where others bring with them a sense of darkness or torment that can potentially bring us down.

While I fully embrace my craziness, there are definitely times where I can feel certain words as degrading, words such as crazy (in an insulting way), dysfunctional, super sensitive (again as an insult) and on it goes. You really feel those words when they're delivered in a wounding way. Sometimes the challenge comes down to redefining them, giving them your own meaning. For example, 'Yes, thanks to my incredible 'craziness' and 'super sensitivity' it is easy for me to sense the pure insanity of another. To proudly wound a child so deeply and so painfully to the point where it is felt as depressing heartbreak is simply insane'. ❤️

[UrNoTaLoNe91]

Pennieee

Please know that you are not alone with the way you are feeling..

I feel like I need to reguarly exaggerate the importance/happiness in my life (even to the ones I love, because I 'FEEL' like the life I live is so boring/mundane/pathetic to others.)

I would like you to know that as I was looking for answers in my own life, I found your post..

I am so sorry you feel this way, however I am always happy to make a new friend and chat if you are interested.. best of luck with everything 🙂💕

[Pennieee]

Hi and thank you for sharing your thoughts. Everytime I decided to reach out and look for professional care I would have to wait for an appointment or find someone that’s available…and when I’m almost there I just thought what difference is it gotta make? What do I talk about? What answers am I looking for? and then I found this forum, where I can vent… and find stories and feelings that I can relate to. I don’t think any ‘answers’ would be the right one just the ones that comfort you and allow you to feel ‘belong’.  I hope you’ve found the answers you’re looking for and I would love to make a new friend 🙂