Is the system set up to let you fail?

[stormseye]

After a long history of depression and a complex mental and physical health history, today I have reached the point where I feel I can no longer tolerate and sit with this anymore.

I have always struggled to ask for help, but today I did. I used the text service at lifeline, the suicide call back service, I tried to call my GP, email my Psychologist and call my Psychiatrist. My husband called CATT.

Yet here I am, sitting here alone, I remeber when I started to have suicidial thoughts I was terrified to share them with health professionals for the fear that they would take control of my life and I would have no say. But now, the pressure of knowing that I am the only thing between me and my end, that there is no safety net, there is no service that will help me or no person in my life that knows how, makes me feel completely defeated. What I wouldn't give for someone to take control for me at this point.

They say to speak to someone if you are not OK. So I guess I am wondering, what now? Now that I have put my feelings and thoughts out there and expressed how unsafe I feel, who helps now? Because all those people and services that I thought were meant to help in this exact moment, don't seem to want/or be able to do a thing.

[Sophie_M]

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums Stormseye,

It sounds like things are especially difficult for you at this time and we're so sorry to hear that you have been unable to receive the support you need. Our valued online forums community is a safe space for you to share your thoughts, seek and give support and we are very grateful you have chosen to reach out here. We want you to know that you are valuable and we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you. We hope we can be the help you require.

Please check-in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.
 

[geoff]

Hello Stormseye, and can we offer you a warm welcome.

There are times when we need our health professionals to take charge of your own well being, to make the situation you're now in, to keep you safe and well because now you're not in control, and when this happens we're unable to think clearly and everything may seem to be negative.

By trying to contact your ' GP, email my Psychologist and call my Psychiatrist', means you are desperate to make contact with one of these people, but they might not be working or too busy at work to realise you've tried to contact them, so this only agitates your situation and may block your thoughts when another person is trying to help you, believing that your medical help won't respond so what does anyone else know, however, those who have been in a similar situation and experienced the consequences maybe able to provide information that hasn't been suggested before.

Ringing these support lines can at times be very awkward, maybe you're put on hold for too long, or the line could be cut off, so you ring again and have a different person and need to repeat what is concerning you once again, understand this as I've been through it myself.

Can I ask what the CATT team did to help you, sometimes they can admit you to a hospital or ringing the police may do exactly the same for your own well being for your own protection.

Please we'd like to know the situation you're in, and all of us on this site have had to struggle with our own type of depression, so we are here to help you.

Take care.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi stormseye

I hear both your desperation and disappointment and feel for you so very very much. It's such a torturous feeling, to feel such abandonment and despair. I wish I was able to sit there beside you, given a greater chance to make some difference to you.

To say depression can be tough is a massive understatement. No one really understands the absolute depths of it unless they've experienced it for themself. Personally, I left my 15 or so years in depression behind me some time ago yet still remember what rock bottom felt like. It's a feeling that cuts to the very soul of us that is almost indescribable, that level of pain and despair. There is nothing like it, which is why I feel for you so deeply. From my experience, I believe perhaps the greatest torture involves the thought 'Will this ever end? I can't do this for the rest of my life. I just don't have the energy anymore'. I'm wondering if you can relate to this. Depression can definitely become exhausting.

After a decade and a half of finding all the things that failed to raise me out of depression (trialing different meds, a psyche, advice from those around me as well as a bit of alcoholism etc etc), I found what succeeded. Of all things, it was post natal depression group therapy. That was my thing. I wish I knew what the thing is for you, that would make a difference, offering to you some mind altering experience. I don't want you to give up hope of finding what works for you. The fact that it took me more than 15 years goes to show that it can take a while before we find what does not fail us.

You have accepted the monumental challenge of seeking help. You have also accepted the challenge of coming here. You are obviously someone who accepts mind altering challenges and this is something to be incredibly proud of. The mind altering path is the path that makes the difference. How many people do we know who should be on such a path but are too closed minded to step foot upon it. Again, you should be proud of who you are, actively seeking a difference. Unfortunately, with mental health challenges, the people who we rely on to be on that path don't always show up for us, which can definitely be triggering. It can be both angering and depressing. Continuing on that challenging path until the right people do show up is important yet somewhat exhausting.

I hope I shed light on this path you've chosen when I say it is a brave one, with great courage, who takes the path that re-forms them.

🙂