Inevitable

[jcrhjm]

I am safe right now, and I mostly have been for a few years now. But I am still convinced that my life is only headed one way, that it's inevitable something, someday soon, will finally push me over the edge. I know I haven't got the guts to do it 99.9% of the time. I know people love me, I know people will be devastated. Years ago there were several inpatient stays, I had TMS and ECT done. I've tried many medications and many therapists. Written more notes than I can count. Several years of addiction. But the suicidal thoughts never went away, and I don't remember life without them

I'm 30 now, lived far longer than I ever expected. People around me think it's behind me and I'm doing better. I spent time living overseas, I see friends in person more regularly, I go to the gym, I talk to a therapist every week and I don't isolate in my room anymore. I can get through days easier, I credit a lot of that to DBT. But there is no real enjoyment from everyday life. It's all a necessary chore, stuff I should be doing so people don't worry about me. I'm doing a tafe course, I can't talk to people or make friends there and I've just about given up on it. Relationships and conversations are as hard and draining as ever. I still get out and try things, by myself, but I lose interest quickly. It's a chore to contact friends, and it just feels like a duty to go and see them when they contact me. I haven't had a problem with addiction for a couple years now, I lost interest in that too.

Every night lying in bed I'm stuck with the noise in my head, keeping me up all night sometimes. I can't pretend to myself like I can to other people. I had people I could talk to in these situations over the years, but I managed to drive each and every one of them away. I cling on to the hope that one of these days, before too long, will finally be my last. Thank you  

[Sophie_M]

Hey jcrhjm,

Thank you for your bravery in sharing so openly in what has been going on for you, we're glad you're safe but we're also sorry to hear the exhaustion of feeling this way for years. It's a heavy burden to shoulder and we're glad you can share some of that here.

It sounds like you've worked incredibly hard to get to the place you are now, it's not easy to constantly push yourself and recognise that isolation can make you feel worse, at the same time it must be frustrating to still have these thoughts when you work so hard to improve.

You mention that you speak to a therapist, do they know that you are feeling this way? Please know that you are not alone with these thoughts. If there's times that these thoughts overwhelm you, or at nighttime when they can get particularly hard to ignore, we’d encourage you to give the Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat. Or you could connect with Lifeline on 13 11 14. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, please feel free to update your thread with how it is going for you.

Kind Regards,

Sophie M

[smallwolf]

Hello and welcome.

Thank you for sharing. It sounds like you’ve been carrying such a heavy weight for so long. The way your post is written you sound exhaustion in keeping going. It takes a lot of strength to keep showing up for life, even when it feels like a chore. 

How you do feel about the positives in your post... you’ve made changes, broken from addiction, and kept trying things shows resilience even if you don’t feel it. And still stepping up to therapy. And you have also posted on the forums here which takes courage!

You matter more than you may feel right now, and I’m glad you’re still here. Hoping you will come back and share some more of your story? Listening ...