I want to say how I'm feeling but know that I cant.

[Nahmate830]

I'm struggling, I'm hurting, and I'm tired.

I really want to be able to say how I'm feeling without fear of repercussions, but that isn't the world we live in.

I'm not really sure if I want to be dead or I just want all of lifes bullshit to stop and cant see another way to make that happen.

I'd like to just simply post a link to radioheads no alarms and no surprises and see if anyone gets it and reaches out and checks if I'm ok.

I feel so stuck, so trapped inside myself and I cant seem to move forward.

I'm sorry that I'm a broken record, that I need so much from people and that all of the wonderful things I have in my life aren't enough to redirect my feelings.

Although I have a reasonably developed plan, I haven't written any notes of goodbye lately and I wont hurt myself no matter how badly I want to, and I want to so badly, I want to talk about the want and the feelings I think it would give me to hurt myself but I cant even do that. In these forums its not appropriate, in my personal life those who I might tell would be traumatised and if I tell a professional then they might be obligated to tell authorities or even try get me sectioned.

thanks for reading, sorry for being a downer and a drainer, I hope you all know true peace in your lives.

NM

[Sophie_M]

Dear Nahmate830,

Thank you so much for reaching out to our wonderful online forums community once more. We're so sorry to hear how much you are struggling right now. We think it's so brave and important that you have reached out to us here today like this. We're very worried that you mention having a plan but wish to thank you for letting us know you will not hurt yourself no matter how strong your urges may get.

Our Support Service is reaching out to you via email as we think you could benefit from the more immediate support our mental health professionals there can offer. Please remember you can reach out to them any time day or night on 1300 22 4636, with email and webchat alternatives available (see: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support for more). Or you can call our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14.  

If you think you're at risk of acting on these urges, then this is an emergency and you should call 000 straightaway.

We encourage you to keep reaching out for support on our forums and to let us know how you are getting on: while it may not be appropriate here to share exact details of what you are thinking it is important to talk about your thoughts and feelings about suicide and self harm generally here in our safe and non-judgmental forums. We'd also encourage you to contact your offline supports, like your GP, if you need more support than our forums can provide right now.

[Kailani]

Hi Nahmate830 I hope that u are safe at the moment. I just wanted to check in and tell u that I am thinking of u. I can relate to the feeling of being trapped. The brain can be your own worst enemy sometimes. I can also relate to the feeling of not being able to tell anyone what is going on. There is nothing more isolating and suffocating than having to keep all these feelings to yourself. All I can say is please remember that this community is always here for u! Feel free to post whatever u want whenever u want. We will always listen without judgement.

[Nahmate830]

Thanks Kailani and Sophie,

I really appreciate your reaching out and giving support.

I want to let you know that I am safe, and that no matter how distressed I get I will not hurt myself, not in a self harm way and not in a more final way.

I will endure, its what I've always tried to do and what I will continue to do until I am medically unable to continue, and given family history that could be another 50 years away.

There are times when I am overwhelmed with sadness and anger, but ever present are my responsibilities to those around me not to hurt them, so I go on, sucking it up, taking the medications that have so many negative side effects, faking it till I make it.

thanks for giving me the opportunity to vent.

NM

[demonblaster]

Hi Nahmate and everyone ☺

I can honestly say I understand how you're feeling as in feeling there's no way out of this Blackness and seeing out as an only choice. Depression doesnt allow us to see any other ways. There is.

First thing you poor soul is to not allow any further thought to suicide. Trust me when we don't focus on that our minds look for other ways of freeing this terrible pain. It's not necessarily going to stay this way.

I too can relate to the trapped feeling. It's smothering like a heavy dark blanket that doesn't budge. The whole deals the pits.

Where you're at now, so low and desparate to feel better is completely consuming. So so hard to have any thought except negative and wanting out. This can change by working on our thought process.

There's hope in that there's a strong chance it won't be this way all the time. Truth

From within ourselves we can make changes. We have the tools to strengthen more we just need to learn how.

With help support & guidance I recommend whether with professional counselling or experienced people or self teaching if you prefer just though its very hard & slower when you're this low doing it alone. Quicker progress with good counselling. There's different types and a load of coping strategies out there and you'll see here if your up to perusing threads as well. Slow steps are easier.

Why I believe the majority of us can pull through which many do is that we all have intelligence. We're capable of learning how to get our emotions working in our favor not against as much.

It seems we don't have anything left in the tank like our strengths been depleted. It's still there... we're born with survival... our very powerful strength. It gets buried with depression. You've already drawn on a great deal of it by not making the ultimate choice Kudos. It's about building that up. You/we can do it. Beliefs a major. When we start being proactive like you have and really well done too it's not easy, changes start.

Not knowing what's ahead which often throws some light and a better life is good reason to be worth working through it all which is so hard but it's harder being where you are.

Talk anytime Nahmate you're not alone ☺ Hope to see you again 🌴