I want to ask for help

[____]

For a while, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety and while my parents do know that I was having suicidal thoughts, they think I'm better now, however it'has gotten worse. I kind of want to get help as I'm sick of living like this, but I don't know how to get help. I do not want to talk to my parents as they're awful people and I just want to get away with them. My school's welfare guy and counsellors aren't that helpful and I don't trust them. Unfortunately, the only person I would talk to is a drama teacher who isn't actually my teacher anymore, but I seriously can't imagine that conversation going well. I do have a sister who I'm kind of close to but I can't be around her because (bear with me) she is everything I'm not and I feel worthless around her. Is there a way I can get help without my family getting involved?

[Aaronsis]

Hi April

I am so glad to hear that you are finding being here helpful, it is a pretty cool community to be apart of and you do get to realize some great things, I have learnt so much here, things like:

1. "having everything good in life" does not equate to happiness.

2. Sadness and feeling damn awful is not picky, anyone can be depressed or suffer anxiety, it does not care who it effects.

3. With help and support there is a better tomorrow. It does not always have to be like this, nor will it be.

4. There are so many other people who are going through battles too and that I am not the only one who is in pain or who struggles, meaning that by reaching out and talking we help each other.

I wanted to say about how you look at others, that it sometimes makes you cry, when you see how happy they are. Firstly we don't know anything about that person and nor is it our business to, they might be dying inside and the only way they can cope in that moment is to walk down the street smiling in hope not to have a break down. Sounds dramatic but my point is that just as the external factors in life do not mean we are happy, so too that just because a person "looks" happy they are. So to compare to others just makes us feel worse about ourselves, which is not what we want to do. It is hard not to I agree, looking at what others are doing and what they are up to is how we measure our self, sure it is fine to sometimes get a temperature check but when it makes us feel so bad this is not great.

I noticed you mentioned some of the great things in your life and I am so please you do have exercise, you have a good school and some good teachers too, I want to get to the friend part, you said firstly that you "have few friends", later you mentioned in your 'wish list" that you would hang out with people who make you feel good about yourself. I think this is a great place to start April and to find those people who do make you feel good about yourself, that is what a friend does, raise you not squash you. I would like you to consider that, are your friends caring for you or tearing you down?

Never apologize for what you write here, to get it out is great and dark is better on the page that in your thoughts, I welcome what ever you would like to chat about here, that is what we are here for, to support you and to comfort you, chat as much as you feel comfortable to.

Also, try to be kind to you, the journey to wellness is not short and it takes time and practice.

Hugs

Sarah

[Croix]

Dear April

It does not matter if you get help in person, which can be full of unknowns and very daunting, simply the you get it, and that does mean telling someone. It can be as you know on the phone or by chat, but it is a start, that's what got me to begin to get better, I simply told someone.

What happens then is a a mix, but relief is a larger part of it -surprisingly large -I felt lighter. Not alone

All the stories you my have read in Happy Memories, inducing you and I, were written by people that had huge times when they were right down. Some clung to those stories as reminders of being better. I have.

Wealth, house, school, even parents that others envy does not help, depression shrinks you view down to hopelessness, you cannot be thankful for what does not count. That is why stories are important, they widen the view so you see more, and that includes good things.

Am I making any sort of sense?

It does take bravery to tell others, and I left it far too late, partly as a result. You have been brave enough to come here, and brave enough to tell a story that means a lot to you. Just one more step.

Croix

[____]

Sarah

I'd like to explain how school works in terms of 'popularity'. At the very top, we have the awful ones. Smelling like weed, going around using homophobic slurs and racist slurs. Then we have the kinda popular kids. Some of them hang out with the awful ones, some of them don't. They go to the beach every weekend, all of them skinny and gorgeous. Next, we have the majority of the year. Mostly good looking, some of them deal weed to the higher up kids, the rest of them are reasonably normal, some of them quite awful, but they're mostly okay. Another step down is the kids who are kind of friends with the majority but do their own thing. They're all still good looking and some of them are smart. Next, we have the minecraft boys. They sit in the library on the school laptops playing violent games and killing each other in minecraft. Some of them are friends with the majority. This is where we reach me. We're the kids that no one likes or cares about. Some of us talk to kids more popular than us, but we're a bit of a charity case. Some of us are okay looking and talk to 'the majority' but some of us are just nothing. To other people, I'm just a gay chubby kid who is always sad and has pink and purple hair. Some of this group are depressed, the rest pretend to be. I hate being here. Finally, we have the kids that do their own thing. The 'nerds' you could say. Some of them are nice, some of them are extremely self-centered, believe they are the world and couldn't give a shit about anyone else. I can't change friends. I used to be above the majority but I became depressed and gave up on people. My friends can be good people, but often I feel like they don't understand me. I sit with them all the time and I hang out with them but I never talk to them. If I leave them I have no other friends, and if I don't have friends, I have no one. I don't feel safe at home anymore and I just want to be over with this.

I don't know why I still bother, why I haven't killed myself yet. You said the journey is long, and I've tried for years and nothing has helped. I don't know what other help is out there, and I doubt there is much more. You also said there is a better tomorrow, but each tomorrow is the same, nothing ever changes, sometimes I feel worse or just numb, but there is never a day better than the last.

I'm sorry if I've repeated myself over different posts.

April

[____]

Croix

I did write a post on the 'happy memories' thread, but after posting, I started to doubt it actually happened. My cat doesn't like being under a doona, and he has his own room at night because my parents hate him. So i don't know where that came from. What do you mean by one more step sorry?

April

[Sophie_M]

HI April,

Thanks again for reaching out to us so bravely and with such candor.

We're sorry you're finding things so difficult right now but please know we're here to give you as much support, advice and conversation as you need. Please keep reaching out to us here whenever you feel up to it.

Our support service is reaching out to you via email as we are worried about you.

If you'd prefer not to chat by phone, Kids Helpline has a 24/7 webchat service - https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling - and Beyond Blue offers something similar between 3pm and midnight AEST everyday which can be accessed via: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support. We'd encourage you to explore these options.

[hellohi]

Hi,

my name is Neerja and I am in high school too. The way your school works in terms of 'popularity', is the exact same to my school. It's like this hierarchy where everyone competes for power. It can be so painful and unfair, I have been affected by this too.

In year 6, I made a decision to stand up to the 'awful ones (like you said and they are really awful), but due to this, I got bullied. I was called 'forehead and fat', every day, it was a terrible experience. I talked to teachers about but due to their reputation, they didn't bother helping me. I lost trust. I understand how you feel with essentially wanting to be part or known as part of another group, I do too.

My parents are so similar to yours, my mum reads over all of my text messages, usually keeps my phone with her and I don't have communication and a strong relationship with my parents. I have never been out of the house for friend's parties and or to just hang out. To be honest I don't have any good friends.

I totally understand why you don't trust your counsellors, my school counsellors broke my trust recently. But I am very very glad you have a teacher who you trust and can talk too and you are want to ask for help.

I also understand how you feel about life, I have those thoughts too, I don't even know why I still bother as well.

I hope you don't mind but if you do I'm sorry I joined your thread,

Neerja

[Aaronsis]

Hey April and a big wave to you Neerja,

Thank you for supporting April, it really seems like you both have pretty similar experiences with school, i am just so disappointed in it to be honest, that we cannot support and nurture our young adults and why when this type of hierarchy is obvious do we let it evolve in schools. You are most welcome here Neerja, to support April and maybe some of what April is talking about can support you too.

I hope you don't mind April but when I read your last post I bullet pointed your "popularity" ladder. I then read my points to my son to ask him what this meant to him, he is 16 in a few days and in year 10. As I was reading he was saying "yep that checks out", "yep that is right"...so that makes me even more horrified, that not only these "rankings" exist but that he too knows of what you are talking about....WHAT ARE WE DOING TO PROTECT OUR YOUNG ADULTS?"...sorry ...then there is the next part of what you mentioned that there are people who are depressed and those that pretend to be. I am just so sorry that young people have to pretend in order to raise awareness to themselves that they are not doing so well, this too is another form of screaming out for help.....ok enough from me about that.

I also wanted to acknowledge that you mentioned about what I had said to you in that the journey is long, it is long April and it does take courage and it will hurt and it will also bring some light too, firstly finding the support that helps you to the light is the first and most important part. I was wondering if you had called the Suicide Call Back Service that Croix mentioned to you? That is a really wonderful start and not only do they keep a log of what you said so that you don't have to go over and over from the start each time you can speak to the same person too.

It really is tough that your friends that you do have don't engage with you and take your calls for help seriously. I have a better understanding of what "school" society looks like now so I understand how useless it was for me to suggest finding another person to connect with. However even if you have one good friend that is worth something.

You are worth happiness, you are worth a better tomorrow and you are worth life, we are here and I know that is not much but we care, you are loved. I also wanted to ask if you had a chance to think more about touching base with your drama/PE teacher?

Life does look different as an adult, school is tough.

Hugs

Sarah

[____]

Hi Neerja,

Don't apologise! I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post, and it's somehow nice to know that I'm not alone in this. It's weird, you're just placed somewhere on the popularity ladder and have no choice in the matter. It's just based on the way you look, what you wear, how smart you are and other meaningless stuff. While your position on this ladder, (or hierarchy as you said, which is scarily accurate) won't matter when you leave school, it feels like a matter of life or death now.

Do you have anyone you can talk to? I understand if you don't, I find it very hard to trust people, especially with how I feel. I don't know what kind of school you go to, but I can confidently assure you that while school counsellors can be helpful for some people, most of them are significantly bad at their job.

April

[____]

Hello Sarah,

Today in sport, I felt awful so I asked the sports teacher (the one I like) if I could go to the bathroom. I went to the library and sat in our welfare guys room and cried for an hour until school had finished. When I got to the library, I realised the teacher would be wondering why I hadn't returned so I asked my friend to tell him where I was and why. This is a very small step, but at least he somewhat knows I'm struggling? I don't know.

I've been exploring the suicide call back website and reading suggestions and dealing with suicidal thoughts. I am quite hesitant to call as Phone calls absolutely terrify me. The beyond blue service team called me three times and as it was on no caller ID, I was too scared to answer. I received a voicemail stating who it was later. I feel quite bad about that one.

I will admit I'm slightly surprised that both your son and Neerja have the same popularity pyramid. I used to think it was just my school, but I guess it's the same everywhere. A lot of people say that one day you'll look back on high school, and it will be one of the happiest times of your life, but I highly doubt that one. Unless you managed to squeeze yourself into a higher group, it's unlikely it could ever be viewed as a 'happy' experience.

Thanks,

April

[Guest_1643]

Hi April,

School is really brutal and sometimes to be honest the adults don't do enough to support the kids and even reinforce divisions and heirachies.
It sounds like it is important in your school to fit into a particular group and that everyone sort of has their unbreakable "group." These groups are often more about people needing to feel protected and safe, and the people in the groups may not even be that close.

I have heard of people in your situation getting help from a kind teacher, I know you were considering that. Is it something you feel you could do?
I feel for you, sometimes our famillies and our school show us a certain way of living that limits us and holds us back.
You sound really perceptive, honest and intelligent I hope soon you will be able to meet a tribe that you can connect to. There is more out there beyond the school walls!