I've tried everything but I'm losing hope

anniefakename · ‎11-05-2021

I have been suicidal for years, i am now 17 nearly 18. I think about it every single day of my life. I try not to, I try to do every distraction and activity that my psychiatrist has given me, I take medication, I try so so hard not to be like this. Nothing has helped. I'm in so much pain I barely have the effort to write this. Professional help hasn't done much for me and I am undiagnosed with anything but have been treated for depression and gone through those suicide safety counselling sessions. I don't get joy doing much now. I have no motivation for school and I am doing badly in my classes, in my most important year of school. I don't care about much now. I can't communicate how horrible I feel right now, I could write on and on but I just want to give up. Im out of explanations and just words in general. How can this hurt so bad? Everyone says it will get better but why hasn't it for me? Im not trying to make a sob story but I so desperately want this to be over Im begging for help but no one is helping. I don't know what to even say at this point, I just thought I have nothing to lose so if anyone has any words of advice or literally anything I'd be happy to hear it. Thank you. Let me know if you have any questions as well.

Sophie_M · ‎11-05-2021

Hi anniefakename,

Sorry to hear that you are struggling and in so much pain. It must be so difficult trying so much to help yourself for nothing to work and to be battling these thoughts and feelings so often, for so long. We recognise that you have tried so hard to find support and can understand how hopeless and frustrating it must be to not think that anything is working well.

We have contacted you privately to offer you support.

Please remember that there are supports for you such as Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). Kids Helpline telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. There's also Beyond Blue Support Service available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 

You are not alone, we are here to support you though your tough times.

Guest_4643 · ‎11-05-2021

hello anniefakename, welcome. i'm 21, but i can relate to everything you said. medication can take some time to work, but it's not for everyone. i do hope you find a brand, type/family (such as SSRI - selective serotonin reuptake inhbitors) and a dosage that works for you, aswell as some therapy, if that's what you're looking for?

i also have a psychiatrist, and meds aswell as professional support hasn't done much for me either. i have a psychologist but we haven't done any therapy yet, but my psychiatrist is good.

anyway the reason i commented is to welcome you, and to say you're not alone. i'm really sorry you're struggling, are you safe? i hope you can find support here, i'm here if you need somebody.

i know how hard it is to have motivation, interest, try not to give in to the suicidal thoughts, etc. believe me. i struggle with them daily too and have been finding it difficult for the past couple of months to even get out of bed. so i know how you feel.

i'm sorry if my reply isn't satisfactory enough, i'm dealing with a lot myself, but i just wanted to reply. i do hope this reply can somehow help you though and remind you that you're not alone.

please stay safe, i'm here if you need somebody.

Giraffe · ‎11-05-2021

Please keep reaching out. You are welcome here.

therising · ‎12-05-2021

Hi anniefakename

My heart goes out to. Your pain comes across so clearly. I feel your heartbreak and desperation and can relate. I entered into my depression around the age of 20 (probably earlier) and came out of it when I was 35. I'm going to throw out to you some of what I came to learn in the hope that it may make some positive difference to you.

MIND

If you're a sensitive open minded person, be careful who you let into your head. The 'wrong' people giving you guidance will guide you in the wrong direction through setting you up with beliefs that can make life a little like hell on earth. If you are able to get a sense of who's inspiring you and who's bringing you down or leaving you vibing on the same depressing level, remain sensitive to that feeling as it'll guide you. If you are sensitive, you'll get a sense of who's making a positive difference. If you're sensitive, you'll also be able to feel your thoughts in a kind of physical way

BODY

While a seriously unromantic view of who we are, we're a big bag of chemistry to some degree. If the chemistry's off, you'll feel it. We have a lot of energetic systems in the body which rely on each other to be functioning optimally. A variety of issues can become deeply impacting. B12 or iron deficiency, sleep disorders, thyroid issues, gut microbiome issues influencing serotonin production ('mood and food'), chronic fatigue and a host of other conditions can influence our thinking and energy levels. If not addressed, we can't feel 'charged up'/energetic. Btw, always question a med that's not working.

NATURAL SELF

Some may refer to this as the 'spiritual' aspect of self in the Mind/Body/Spirit triad. I found this to be a major influence in my depression (not knowing who I naturally was). Few have ever accepted me as who I naturally am. This used to be depressing for me but no longer is. I've learned I'd rather live as who I naturally am rather than die slowly not being myself, while pleasing everyone around me. I was raised as a people pleaser so this was one seriously hard mental program to let go of. You can be called all the names under the sun while developing the practice of being yourself (weird, bi*ch, difficult, selfish etc) but, hey, that's a them problem, not mine. Are you naturally sensitive (a super natural ability), naturally a daydreamer and creative yet not a natural academic? Are you naturally brought down by a lack of inspiration and constructive guidance?

Do you know who you naturally are?

🙂

anniefakename · ‎13-05-2021

thank you for replying, i appreciate it very much. I'm relatively safe yeah. I have attempted last year but have not told anyone how i planned to do it for some reason i can't bring myself to say it out loud. My psychiatrist tried to get it out of me to help put in proper safety measures and she went about it very insensitively. I understand she is trying her best, but she barely remembers things about me after going for months and tends to repeat herself in the activities we do, of which i am not finding have been helping at all. All they seem to be are distract yourself be doing exercise and watching tv. Im so exhausted i could probably try and find someone new but will it even help? Sorry to lay this all onto you. I'm so lonely

smallwolf · ‎13-05-2021

Hi.

Seems like there is a lot on your plate at the moment and everything is hurting you. And you don't sound like you are having any luck with medication or professional help.

I don't know where you feel things went wrong re professional help. All that I can say is that at least for me it can take some time for change the way I see things. If you want to chat I can give you some ideas from my own experience. But right now I am listening to you and perhaps you might like to tell a little more of your story.

PS. It takes courage to come here and write about what is happening to you. Not sure what you think about it, except you are worth it.

Guest_4643 · ‎13-05-2021

hi.

i'm sorry. yes it seems like that's all they recommend. i don't know if it would help, that's up to you, if you feel comfortable. and don't be sorry, i know how you feel. i'm so lonely too.