I thought I’d be dead

[F_55]

Hi I don’t know what I’m doing.

Sometimes I’m fine or I seem fine and it seems so silly to me to want to end things. But is it a lie? Am I fooling myself or pretending? Sometimes nothing feels real and then it comes flooding back, this happens legitimately daily. Up and down like a yo-yo and I’m just so tired of fighting and feeling like crap. Feeling so alone and worthless, feeling that I am only a burden on people. Everything is hard and nothing ever stops the whirlpool from dragging me down again. And I swear, each time it gets harder to fight my way out of it.


I feel like this the right choice for me. I’m fairly young but I’ve lived my life. I’ve loved, I’ve lost. I’ve had ups and downs. I’m full of a lifetimes worth of experiences and I’ve just come to my end is all. We all have to go sometime and I consider myself lucky to be able to choose when and how and leave some final words behind. There’s so many people who never even get that opportunity and I really just want to get off this merry-go-round.

[Sophie_M]

Hi F_55

Thank you for sharing with us here. We know it can be difficult but we think it can be a really powerful step towards feeling better.

We’d really encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 to talk things through with the lovely counsellors there.

A few more options are KidsHelpline on 1800 55 1800, Lifeline on 13 11 44, and Headspace on 1800 650 890. All of these options are also available through webchat, if you'd prefer:
Beyond Blue
Kids Helpline
Lifeline
Headspace (9am-1am AEST)

It can be really tough to make the step to make a call but the people who answer the phone are kind and helpful. They speak to people about this everyday and can offer useful advice.

You don't have to go through this alone.Thanks again for sharing your feelings and experiences with us. We are here for you. 

Speak soon,

Sophie M

[Aaronsis]

Hi F_55

Welcome and how brave of you to share such a personal experience and an emotional time as the one you experienced last week. We don’t really get to talk honestly and so openly and I am so grateful for spaces like this where you can share these things.

I also want to say that I am so beyond happy that you are here and that you did wake up from that night, also on behalf of your family and friends too as it is a gift you are here, may not feel like it much but you are loved and your father is a lucky man to still have you.

I hear you when you say you want to get off this merry go round.. you can .. just without ending your life. With some support you can get some of those feelings of joy and hope back and see some brightness for the future. I know that all sounds like a recording but even after the worst of days or times I have some joy back on my life and it took some reaching out, just like you have done here and some time with a professional to work through my bag of stuff. Maybe that could be true for you too. Would you consider some professional support?

You mentioned you were quite young but that you had experienced most of what life has to offer. Can I suggest to you that life to me is actually enjoyed and truely felt when we service others and give back. The love you give your family, the joy you give to those around you, these are the things that fill my cup, would you agree?

Do you have some things you like to do or enjoy that speak to your happy place and make you feel good?
I like to write and do big purges in a book and just let the pen go wild and get it all out. I mostly don’t ever read it again but it is great to get it out and then even throw it away like I am disposing of that pain. Maybe this could be something you could try too?

I lost my brother to suicide just two years ago, he was just 19 and I wish he had the courage that people here and people like you have to have reached out and spoken up and let another reach back to listen.

We are here for you F_55 and I am so proud that you have chosen you and are here and even if you don’t quite know what your doing, as you mentioned at the start of your post, that is fine too, just being here and talking is a start and I thank you for starting.

Here if you want to chat some more.

Hugs

Sarah

[Centaured]

Hey F_55

I hear you, you aren't alone.

I've been there, and can relate to what you're saying. It's so hard to keep trying, keep moving forward, keep getting up,keep doing what we are supposed to. But yet we do. We are somehow stronger than this.

[geoff]

Hello F_55, I am really sorry to read what you have said because some days everything has gone so good then how could tomorrow be any better, well it can or it may not, that we can't predict because we don't know the unexpected of what's going to happen, you might win tattslotto, but no one knows or you might encounter a slight problem that can easily be rectified to help another person.

Being on the merry go round you don't know where you have to get off, the opposite side where you start a conversation with someone you like and vice-versa, whereas if you stopped at the gate you may not have met this person, is that good or something you regret and even if the good happened today doesn't mean that tomorrow the same won't happen.

If, however it didn't go well today, tomorrow may be much better and a decision shouldn't be made because 2 wrongs aren't better than 1 positive, but when you aren't feeling the best that's how we look at it and when there is a positive in life, that's what we need to build on because somewhere there is a curiosity whether we show it or not.

I don't think it's appropriate to say how I felt when in this position because here I am, much stronger than once before, try and build on your strengths one at a time.

My best.

Geoff.

[Guest_1643]

I felt like that, and it is hard to describe. I hear u.

I agree that we are somehow stronger than this, well said,

Maybe we have skills and resources hidden in us to rise above even the darkest feelings.

[F_55]

Hi guys. I’ve been avoiding this all day! It’s easier not to acknowledge it. It’s humiliating and embarrassing.
I got through last night. I’ve gotten through today, still bursting into tears. Still fighting to keep happy.


I got an email this morning from a dog breeder I was in touch with middle of last year. They had a late cancellation and have offered me the last of their litter. I did mention that I was struggling back then and they thought I would be a good match for him.


Yesterday I still had a plan, lost in hopelessness, it is just a matter of time. It felt inevitable. Kinda like saying, you’re going overseas this year, you don’t know when you’ll go but you’re sure you will. Today, although I’ve still been having these bloody tiring outbursts that I can’t control and don’t know what’s happening... I feel like I’m not in immediate danger. Legit like my mind has hit the pause button. Maybe having something to take care of and having someone who needs you is fulfilling enough.


It’s the weirdest stuff to deal with. I don’t know who I am, what I’m doing, what’s real or imaginary. I overthink and overanalyse, I can’t sit still, I’ve lost friendships, I constantly struggle with myself and it’s like my conscience is fighting with my subconscious - but it’s only ever one sided because I don’t know what my subconscious is doing.

[Aaronsis]

Great to hear from you F_55

I firstly wanted to mention that it is so wonderful just how in touch , aware and connected to your emotions and feelings you are, your emotional intelligence is brilliant and I think this is going to really play a large role in your wellness journey.

I am so proud of you for coming back to chat and I hear you when you say how embarrassed you feel and how you want to avoid this whole thing, that would be very easy to do and yet here you are taking a chance on a safe place full of strangers that care so much but know not of who you are. Mostly though I am proud that you have made it through today and are not in immediate danger, I was so happy to read that. You also mentioned you were fighting to keep happy, I wanted to chat to you about “happy” as there is an awful lot of pressure to be so. That if we are doing better we must start feeling “happy”, and when we don’t we feel like we are not progressing. See to me the very fact you are feeling some goodness from the email about a new little puppy, that is great and you are right, a wonderful distraction and a way to receive some love and to give some in return, see while these are positive things you may be beating yourself up because you are still not feeling “happy”. So can I suggest that maybe we put that word on hold and not pigeon hole a feeling but acknowledge that you are trying and you are taking steps to a destination of wellness, that you will still cry and will still have very hard days but they can and will get less and less with the right support.

Have you thought about a name for your puppy? Is it a little girl or boy?

I am wondering how you would feel about downloading the BeyondNow Safety app. I will put a link here for you.. it is a great tool to keep you safe and can be a support to you when you are fighting so hard. You can put pics of your new puppy in there to make a start.

I have done some hypnosis as part of my therapy and cannot rate it highly enough. When you spoke of your two consciousness in conflict I very much get what you mean. Maybe we can talk more about that another time.

I am so proud of you and hope that you do have some things that bring you joy, even if it be listening to a song or taking a walk.

Will post the link for you in another reply as I don’t want to lose this post. I am on my phone so it sometimes plays up.

Chat some more soon

Hugs

Sarah

[Aaronsis]

Hey

Here is the link: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning/create-beyondnow-safety-...

Hope that it is helpful to you.

S

[Deniz]

My feelings are same.