I’m trapped. How can I escape? There’s no hope.

[fml3]

The pictures and flashes of me killing myself are an endless loop. They go on and on and on and I can’t stop them. I don’t know what to do anymore. I get triggered so easily. I just want this pain to end. I’m trapped in my own head. I’m suffocating in air I thought was safe. I can’t escape... how do I escape this? There has to be another way. I fear there may not be any hope for me anymore. No one can help me so why bother? It’s like I’m dead already, just watching myself. Like I’m not even here anymore. What’s the point of this. It’s getting too much, how do I escape my own mind?

[Sophie_M]

Hey fml3,

Thanks for joining us on the Beyond Blue forum tonight. We're so sorry to hear how in distress you are and can imagine these flashes of suicide would be very disturbing. We really hope our community can support you through this and be a space where you can share these thoughts as a way to not feel so trapped. Our community is a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and we are here to offer as much advice and conversation as you need.

We are sending you through a private message with some extra support.
  We would strongly recommend that you get in touch with Kids Helpline - https://kidshelpline.com.au/. It sounds like you're in a really tough situation and it might help to talk it out whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided.

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please check-in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.
 

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hey there

That must be really frightening for you. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. How long have you been having these thoughts, and have you been able to share this with anyone in your life? I really hope you've got some close support or that you've been able to ring the helplines for a chat, as Sophie has suggested. They are great to talk to and get things off your chest, and can also direct you to where you can get help in your area if you want to.

It's really difficult when we get trapped in our head with our thoughts and feel like we can't escape, but there are strategies which can help you to manage it. Is there anything going on in your life that's hard right now? I'm happy to listen if there's anything you want to talk about. I've been in the same space as you before, and I want you to know that things can get better.

I'm listening. Katy

[Sophie_M]

Dear fml3,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
 

[Aaronsis]

Hello fml3

I wanted to stop in and say how proud I am of you for talking here, for posting here and for sharing such raw emotions that you are feeling, for reaching out to us when you are feeling like there is no point, but mostly for choosing you and choosing to stay.

I have no idea, no idea how painful these feelings must be for you, how the feeling of not being able to escape and not having any hope must feel like, what I do know though is that there are people who care, very much and sometimes it is the kindness of strangers on a place like this that can make you feel even the smallest bit of hope, of light that there are better days ahead, even a better moment in one day, even just for a minute.

As Katy and Sophie_M have said, we are here to listen and to sit with you through this time and to share anything you might want to talk about more, if you feel comfortable to that is. This is a very safe space and you are not judged here, you are not alone here and you MATTER, so very much. I know this may only seem like words on a screen but they are not, you can share and to reach out to us when you feel so very bad, the distraction here in chatting might be enough to give you some peace, even for a moment.

I was also wondering if you could reach out to your GP and get some support today, to get some professional advice and guidance. It might be hard to have the conversation but you can write it down on paper and hand it to them if that is more comfortable for you.

Also there are the support lines too that are backed with some of the most wonderful and caring humans that also want to see you have a moment of hope, and to let you know you matter, that people do care so much about you.

I hope to chat to you some more and I hope that there is one small moment of hope in today for you.

Hugs

Sarah

[Doolhof]

Hi fml3,

I'm so very sorry you are this horrible place right now where your mind is taking you on this seemingly relentless journey of confusing and stressful images and thoughts.

You mentioned you want the pain to stop! That is a huge recognition of what is happening for you right now! It is the mental pain and anguish you want to stop. You have had enough of what ever it is that is tormenting your mind.

When these thoughts start to enter your mind can you just say the word STOP! In your head or out loud. It helped me once I had the strength to say it. I had to realise I had the strength to stop what my mind was saying to me! It was a revelation that took time and effort.

You might not be able to achieve this right now and that is okay. Please reach out for all the help you need. I phoned the support services daily for a while until I could stand on my own two feet again. You don't have to do this alone!

Please know people here do care for you. Kindest regards and sympathy for all you are experiencing, from Dools

[fml3]

Hi Dools

thanks for trying to help. I believe I am unable to be helped at this point right now... I wish there were just this switch which could erase all these mental health issues and the pain. I’ve tried for so long now to stop the thoughts and get rid of them but nothing works. Nothing will work. Nothing will help them I suppose. I shout at them to stop desperately every single time but they never do. They just keep getting stronger and stronger until I’m either crawled up in a ball sobbing until they pass or taking unnecessary risks that I later regret. I hate myself and the way I am.

I didn’t think the thoughts and urges of suicide and depression would reach the intensity they got to than when it did when I first attempted suicide last year. I am almost at the same point now. I’m trying so hard to cope and battle this. It’s so, so hard I don’t know how much longer I can take. Especially with all the added stress and pressure I’ll have when school (I am currently in high school) starts.

This seems impossible to overcome right now... even though I am not worth it or deserving of it, thank you for your (and everyone else’s too) support. It means a lot, the only sliver of hope I have right now.

jj

[Sophie_M]

Hi fml3, we’re glad you have checked in on the forums tonight. We are so sorry to hear that you are suffering with such troubling thoughts and feel that nothing will help.  We understand that this would feel overwhelming, and we know it can be so hard to reach out for support. We're sure that a lot of our community members will relate to these feelings and hopefully some of them will pop by to offer you words of wisdom and kindness.. 
 
For further support, we recommend you get in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. Headspace also support young people and offer a wide range of services including online and telephone counselling.  
 
Please also feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.
 

[Doolhof]

Dear jj,

I can feel the pain and anguish in the words you are writing. My heart goes out to you. Please know that in my mind I am reaching out to you, my thoughts are with you. I know this may mean very little and seem a little empty, I hope in some small way it helps.

Last year I was in a desperate situation. I was struggling immensely. I didn't know how to take one more step. I would go for a walk and spend ages just crying under some random bush I had collapsed next to.

I reached out to people here on this forum. People supported me. I didn't know them, yet I felt their care and concern.

When our minds are so messed up and tormented it honestly feels like no one can help. They can! Use the phone supports, even if you are crying the whole time and blubbering, try talking to someone.

Would you consider going to a Dr or a hospital to ask for help? I am not sure what your experiences have been in the past. I hope you have the courage to try.

Right now you are struggling to help yourself. Allow others to help you.

Is there one little thing that brings you even a miniscule amount of comfort right now? Can you focus on that one thing and try to expand it slowly?

My heart goes out to you jj. With kindest and caring thoughts from Dools

[Amanda2000]

Hi jj,

You are not alone! I feel trapped just the same. I share your feeling that nothing will help. It's all too overwhelming, right? This week I've had 1 good day when I started practising mindfulness but all the other days have been a struggle. I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be better, and if it turns out to be the same, then we try again the next day. Think of it this way, when you were little and you were not tall enough to see over the fence, but as you grow and get taller, you see more and more each day. You might not be able to make sense of the situation now but maybe one day you will look back and feel great that you've lived through it. I really hope this can help you.