I just want to be okay

[TBear5879]

Hi, I'm 13 years old I have 5 disabilities including autism ADHD and anxiety.  I also recently got told by my therapist that I have post truama from multiple different occasions. I'm scared I'm tired and I struggle to get out of bed every morning. Some days are really good and I generally enjoy being here. Others I just want to end the pain, the sadness the numbness. Recently I've been a bit better. After finding out I have post trauma things made a bit more sense and I've been able to work on myself a bit more but I'm still struggling more than I am happy. I'm scared that I'll never be okay. People keep telling me I just need to try but I do I really, really do. I exercise when I can, I drink lot's of water, I make sure I get enough sleep, I try so so hard to think positively, I've set goals. The thing is every single time I think I can do this! I can get better. Something in me beats me to the ground and say's nice try but you're doomed to a life of misery and then I'm back at stage one. All I want is to be okay. but I don't know how or where to start or even who I am. I act different for everyone I create personalities and theres been times where I am like this is me I've finally found me but then eventually I realise no this isn't me. It's like I'm stuck in this pit that's slowly being covered up with me still inside and the longer I take to get better the more I loose myself, the harder it is to get better. I just want to be okay...

Please if anyone has any ideas on what I can do to get better or even just where to start. please tell me. I'm so lost.

[therising]

Hi TBear5879

To me, you sound like an amazing person. I imagine if I was there speaking with you, you'd amaze me when it comes to your nature and how hard you've been trying, trying harder than you may realise. I think what can make things so tough at times involves not being able to find people who can relate. To some degree I can relate to my 21yo daughter's struggles with ADHD, based on me experiencing some of those struggles myself. I can also relate to some of my 18yo son's struggles with being at the high functioning end of the autism spectrum, based on me experiencing some of those struggles myself. When we can find people who can relate to us in some way our perception can change to 'I'm not broken, I just have certain abilities and challenges that can get in the way of what a lot of people find easy to do'. As you've mentioned, when we're led to make better sense of things it can become a matter of 'No wonder I struggle, it makes complete sense'. Finding people who can relate can make it so much easier to make sense of things. Btw, when I say abilities that can get in the way, an example could involve the incredible ability to dive into our imagination like a pro and spend hours in there finding the most amazing things. This ability can get in the way of the need to focus outside of our imagination.

You touch on 'masking', something that's not unusual, especially when it comes to being on the spectrum. While some people in life can come across as rather one dimensional (they have a particular nature that's the same all the time), masking can lead us to become more multifaceted. To one person we may reveal our inner comedian, to another our inner philosopher, to another we might draw on the disciplinarian in our self and the list goes on. If we've got someone in our life who's difficult to deal with, we might even call on a part of us that's good at telling that person exactly what they want to hear (the people pleaser in us), just so we can avoid conflict. In this case, it can become a matter of 'Who am I, really?' or 'What is my true self'. I'm not sure if it will help in any way but I'd call my core sense of self 'the part of me that's able to call upon any of the number of facets that I possess'. My core sense of self or my true self manages different parts of me. It's like if I wanted to plan a budget holiday, I'd tap into the planner in me, the financial manager in me and the adventurer in me. A different way of explaining it can involve imagining an old style wagon wheel, where the core sense of self is the hub in the middle. All the spokes, the different facets of us, stem from the hub. We can rely on any one of them any time we like. There are some good ones and some not so good ones. I hate my harsh and brutal inner critic, for example. When its triggered to life it can be depressing at times, especially when the inner dialogue sounds like 'You're hopeless, you're never going to get any better'. I've learned my harsh and brutal inner critic tends to be a really depressing liar. That's its nature. It's not a good guide but the sage in us is and it's a part of us that's well worth developing. Parts of us are always coming to life and a lot of the time they'll come to life through the challenges we face. 🙂