I just feel so hopeless and i need a way to ease the pain

[Deathbug9976]

i have suffered with depression and anxiety for a while now, but recently they both have gotten a lot worse. i feel that i no longer have anything to look forwards and im not ready for all the pressure and responsibility that school and growing up gives you. the stress of daily life is getting to me and now i feel that i dont really have anything to look forwards to. ive stopped trying at school, and now im just doing the bare minimum. i used to hurt myself. The emotional pain got too much for me yesterday, so i hurt myself and i just want a way to either end my pain, or put a pause on all of my responsibility. i keep finding myself thinking that it would be easier if i was never born, or if i died. although i want to die, i'm to scared to and i dont want to face the risk of failing.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Deathbug9976, 
 
Thank you for sharing with us here. We can hear you’ve been through some really difficult stuff. We’re really glad you could come and share this here, it’s not an easy thing to do and we really admire you doing so. 
 
We’re reaching out to you privately to check you’re ok. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 to talk things through with the lovely counsellors there. A few more options are KidsHelpline on 1800 55 1800, Lifeline on 13 11 44, and Headspace on 1800 650 890. All of these options are also available through webchat, if you'd prefer:  

• Beyond Blue  

• Kids Helpline  
• Lifeline  
• Headspace (9am-1am AEST)  

Hopefully, you’ll hear from this lovely community soon. Maybe you could help them along by letting us know what kind of support you have at the moment, and if anyone around you is helpful or understanding with how you’re feeling? 
 
Kind regards,  
Sophie M 

[Owls]

Hi Deathbug,

I hear you, I see you. Things are hard, know that you are loved. You matter, please get through this minute, this hour, this day. Sending love and safe space to reach out.

[Deathbug9976]

Thanks for the support

[Deathbug9976]

I'm okay at the moment. Thanks for checking in.

[therising]

Hi Deathbug9976

My heart truly goes out to you as you struggle to see any way forward. It can be such a truly torturous and depressing feeling, just not being able to see any positive vision when it comes to the way ahead.

I'm wondering whether you've got any visionaries in your life, anyone who can offer you some way of seeing what a less depressing and somewhat calmer future looks like for you. Could be a counselor, a parent, an aunt or uncle you can be honest with while being yourself. Does anyone come to mind? Maybe there's someone who you've found to be inspirational on the internet, who's led you to see things differently in the past but maybe you've forgotten about them over time.

As I say to my 17yo son and 20yo daughter, it's so important to find someone who holds a positive constructive vision for you that's relatable, especially when you have no vision for yourself. It's about having someone who can lead you to see what you just can't see yet, for some reason. Having managed the ins and outs of depression over many years, I've discovered the most inspirational people to be the most open minded and wonderful people (full of wonder) who can really feel for me and how I'm feeling. I don't want to hear stuff like 'Don't worry, everything will be fine' and that's all people say. You want to know precisely how everything's going to be fine. Technically, this statement offers no vision. There can be other triggering comments like 'We all went through that at your age' (hmm, yes, thanks for the compassion there) or 'You just gotta get on with life'. Again, how exactly? To anyone who says to me 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up and stop over analysing things' I say 'Of course I'm sensitive. How else do you think I'm able to sense my lack of vision as being depressing and don't you think it makes sense to analyse why I can't see what I need to see?'. The list goes on with triggering 'advice'.

Again, who do you know who has the ability to develop some form of vision for you when it comes to the way forward?

[Deathbug9976]

Not really, plus i dont want to have to wait for things to get better, i want them to get better now.

[therising]

Hi Deathbug9976

The desperate need to feel better, find direction and see a clear way forward is completely understandable. The deep need to have all that happen straight away makes absolute sense.

Can recall my daughter saying a couple of years back 'I don't want to grow up. I don't want the responsibility that comes with that'. We discussed how things can get tougher. While people imagine the hard parts to be about paying bills, renting/mortgage, working some job etc, it's the things a lot of people don't talk about which point to where a lot of hardship exists...

The hard stuff to figure out: Who am I really? What beliefs (put into my head) do I need to let go of, so I can find me? How do I create new beliefs and habits? How do I use my emotions or feelings in order to feel my way through life? How do I develop and come to know so many of the different parts of myself that make up me? How do I manage the challenges that come my way? Stuff like that. And you know what, a lot of this is stuff's not taught, which is one of the reasons life can become so hard at times.

How to feel (your way through life) and figure out who you naturally are can definitely be at the top of the list of challenges. You definitely sound like a feeler. You can feel what brings you down and you can feel what causes you stress. Not sure how much of a feeler you are but if you're one who can sense how people around you are feeling this can come with added challenges.

While you might wear a uniform, have school books and attend school, you can struggle with being who you are not, a passionate student. So, the question becomes how to learn while not really being a passionate academic student? A number of young people feel this way, which is why some choose to leave behind (at some point) what they're not, in order to study a trade at TAFE. They'll feel drawn to be a chef, carpenter, builder, mechanic etc. Some students have tutors to help them learn what doesn't come naturally. There are a number of ways to manage not being a natural academic. Personally, I've always been more of a creative type.

Do you know who you are and do you know how to feel in constructive ways?