I just can’t…

[ChildHeart]

Another post and I am so sorry. There was a post I did in another section but it got moved to this section so I know it looks like I’m posting constantly. I’m sorry.

I don’t know if I’m allowed to mention other services but I called the “s” call back service this afternoon. Only a few hours after having already spoken to another crisis call centre. I am tired of feeling this way.. people offer (like here on the forums) lovely kind support and advice and I say thank you and I do mean it but I go away feeling the same. Hopeless. I just.. I can’t. I can’t anymore. 

[Croix]

Dear ChildHeart~

When we say you are welcome here we mean it. You are not posting too often. The reason your thread was moved is because we started to talk about suicide. Sometimes people can be distressed by this subject so all such posts are put in the 'Suicide and Self Harm' section so others may avoid them if that wish.

We do suggest the Suicide Call Back Service at times so are familiar with it.

One of the things a person can notice using crisis support is it tends to be concentrating on the heavy things (which is quite understandable) though sometimes I wonder if a complete change of pace might be a bit of help at times.

You might like to look at the thread:

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/store-your-happy-memories-here

Which is deliberately designed only to have things in it people have enjoyed. When reading what those stories are it can lighten one's mood

There is no need to wade through hte lot, just skip though and see if anything catches your eye

Croix

[ChildHeart]

Hi Croix, 

Nice to talk to you again. Thank you, I just always feel sorry. I even apologise to the crisis counsellors, too. 

oh, well then in that case yes I spoke to the suicide call back service only a few hours of having spoken to lifeline. I had a plan when I was talking to the lifeline lady. She tried to steer the conversation in another direction, tried to spin the negatives into positives but it wasn’t working. I was focused. But I was also exhausted so I did want a break from the thoughts, the planning. She suggest that I call the suicide call back service if I was still I suppose “on track” by the afternoon and so I called them in the afternoon. Although I felt to exhausted to do anything so my plan I guess was “postponed”.

This week has gone from me seeing signs that my depression was resurfacing to my depression is completely back to oh so is my anxiety after having a conversation with my brother and feeling more and more overwhelmed and exhausted as the days went on and more “helpless” and then last night my cousin tells me something I didn’t know that threw me for a loop and now I feel in a daze like empty head.. there’s nothing. I feel out of it. Sigh.. thanks for listening Croix. I’ll try take a look at your suggested section of the forum. 

take care. 

[therising]

Hi ChildHeart

Post as many times as you need. Whatever works. When you're desperately fighting for your life, there are no apologies needed, absolutely none.

Being able to relate to what people post in response but such things not making all the difference, completely understandable. While a part of me may think 'That makes perfect sense' another part/other parts of me can be crying 'I just can't cope with feeling this way'. It's like 'the analyst' in me is nodding 'Yes, a better diet, more exercise (blah, blah, blah) will shift the chemistry that comes about with depression' while another part can just feel so completely heartbroken and lost. For me, deep heartbreak always overrides complete logic. While pure logic is simply computed/processed by the brain, heartbreak it felt. Important to give respect to e-motion (energy in motion or not in motion) that you can feel. How to understand feelings and manage them, while being seriously challenging at times, is largely how I manage depression/s (unless they're solely physically based such as with chemical deficiencies of some kind).

All feelings are incredibly telling. What do your feelings tell you about your brother or his behaviour, for example? Do you feel he's anxiety inducing, overwhelming and exhausting at times? is this in his nature? What's up with that? Does the feeling of helplessness tell you he's not helping in ways he needs to? With your cousin, the feeling of having the ground completely pulled out from under us can have such a surreal feel to it. 'Floating' without the solid belief/s we once stood firmly upon can be so disorienting. 'Grounding' can be an enormous challenge.

I've found everything can feel like it's falling apart when I'm on the verge of massive change. When everything that's been gradually integrated into my life and who I see myself as begins to disintegrate (come apart or go up in flames), it can be so overwhelming without support and guidance. Might sound cliche but the verge, where disintegration takes place, precedes the phoenix rising. Can be so much grief and confusion within the ashes, so much. No one should be left to face that alone. Would you say people are in the habit of being mind altering and depressing while leaving you alone to manage that?

[ChildHeart]

Oh, therising…hello once again and how much that resonated. Side note with apologies that I haven’t yet replied to your other reply on my post about the voices - but I will get to it eventually!

Yes my feelings, do tell me he’s not making the situation any better and it’s not just now, it’s been like this with him my whole life so I would say it’s in his nature. Grounding is very hard..

So I’m gonna talk about this.. I’d rather 2,500 words, but let’s see if I can do it in less than 2,500 characters. You mentioned the Phoenix rising and it’s funny because okay here’s the thing.. I have struggled a lot and I’ve wanted to help people going through the same things. I know I’m not allowed to link things outside of here or anything like that so I can’t specify, but I do have a YouTube channel where I do tarot, I wrote a childrens book, and I have a podcast. None of them are doing well I have barely any views and little subscribers which I just lost another subscriber the other day *sigh* but.. I want to mainly talk about my podcast. It’s going to sound contradictory being that I am where I am now, but it’s a podcast of motivational talks (for instance my first episode was on authenticity and my most recent was grief and loss) and the podcast often references the Pheonix so it’s funny you say that. I guess there’s a few sides to the story here.. a)they aren’t doing well and I’m getting discouraged as I put in a lot of effort to all my projects and I was imagining my podcast (it’s actually labeled as project) as being something big and helpful where I’d have that people that want to work with me on this with the same vision helping others, b) people are discouraging me pointing out the obvious that they aren’t doing well and that I won’t make anything of them and c) I feel like how can I be telling people how to help themselves when I can’t help myself? But it’s like the words just come out and i just feel like I know what to say but I feel bad in a way because I’m not doing well and so it seems silly? I had hope for a while and I lost it again and I mean I don’t want a 9-5 like my brother wants me to get I need something emotionally and soul fulfilling I want my projects but they aren’t being received well and it’s made me wonder what’s the point and when all other areas of my life are failing, why bother? Now I just am left feeling literally hopeless.

[ChildHeart]

I wish I could ask all of you to work with me on my project. 😔 oh how fun it would be.. 

ive made tshirt designs and I’ve imagined the things we could do with the project and even you know like heal the world by Michael Jackson and songs like man in the mirror and will you be there? I imagined creating a song like that the well get together and sing like we are the world and how they had all the famous singers collaborating together and it would be catchy but positive and it would motivate people and and… sigh.. but alas as usual my head is in the clouds. Besides like I say.. it’s silly. So. Yeah. 

[Croix]

Dear ChildHeart~

You have been talking about ideas of a project, and thay are all sensible, but you do not get the  people interested as much as you would like. I"\'m not in hte least surprised, and it is nothing to do with  you - or your choice of media  - or your subject matter.

For every well known novelist htere are many thousands who are never published, for every well known singer there are an large number of composers and singers who the public never get to know.

We live in a world  where the number of things on offer is in the billions, and yet only a few can be chosen - no matter what the worth is of those that just sit there unused. It is partly chance, partly fashion and partly actively trying to have a higher profile.

For example, I had a blog and nobody except a few friends and my psych read it, so I gave up. it was only later on I found that at least part of the answer was to subscribe to other blogs, gradually become known and then there is more of a chance my blog would be followed.

Hard time-consuming work and in the end as so many people publish excellent material already I questioned if it would be worth it - and decided to try my talents elswhere. Going head to head with Brené Brown or Zac Seidler would be a losing battle:)

I came upon this Forum and have found over the years many people do respond to my writing and I believe I help. In short a much better use of my time, reaching more and giving me satisfaction.

I'm not suggesting that this is the answer for you , just it pays to look at what is more likely to make you feel useful and that you are spending your time productively without that disheartening feeling of being ignored.

You have the desire ot help -and that alone is a great thing. You have the experience from your own life to relate to others who have had similar trials, That is gold.  it is just a question of the best way to harness  those thngs, and if it means starting small inside a socially beneficial organisation rather than on your own that can be ok too.

Croix

[therising]

Hi ChildHeart

Definitely hard when someone we know doesn't have the same vision for our life that we have. You see one thing, where your brother sees another. Would be nice if he shared your vision, saying to you 'Okay, what we're going to do is market you and your work. I can see you reaching thousands of people and expanding beyond that at some point. If marketing's not your thing, don't worry, I'll have that side of things covered'. A 2 birds with the 1 stone thing - he shares your vision and you get your message out to more people.

I actually wrote a book some years back. Being a self published one, I had 400 copies printed off. I have about 380 copies still sitting in boxes under the bed in our back yard bungalow. The vision for it was incredibly clear. I could see it making a difference to so many. What the vision didn't include was the hard marketing side of things. As someone said to me 'You have to imagine no one knows you exist. Your job is to tell as many people as possible that you and your work exist, so people can find you'. I should really let go of those books. Having come so much further in life, they now feel incomplete and I'm okay with that. Might try something new.

Can remember sitting at a red light some years back, wondering why life was feeling like a struggle. It was a kind of 'give me a sign' moment. Next thing I know, 2 huge semi trailers go past, one right behind the other. With company logos on the side, the 1st reads 'Phoenix' and the next 'Grace'. One definition of grace is 'Divine assistance given for regeneration or sanctification'. I like that. I think I need to ask for more grace.

I think 2 of the greatest challenges in life can involve 1) being able to see for others but not for yourself (as far as vision or the way forward goes) and 2) being able to feel what's wrong while not being able to feel what's right, direction included. This equates to 'in the dark while feeling completely lost'. That one definitely has a feel to it.

Would be interesting to see what a reading for direction would show up. Can you do a reading for yourself or only other people?

Btw, no sweat about the voices thread. Gravitate toward only what you feel the need to move toward. If you feel the need to let go of that thread, go with that. No worries.