I just can't handle the lethargy, insomnia and social isolation

[Mantec]

I am 21M, with ADHD, social anxiety and depression. I have a habit of socially isolating myself for very extended periods of time as I never learnt how to develop meaningful relationships after moving country at 13 and never feeling very close to anyone in my family. I graduated highschool in 2016 with an underwhelming ATAR after getting diagnosed with CFS in year 12. Through 2017-2018 I smoked weed daily to cope with the intense suicidal thoughts that I couldn't deal with anymore. I was also finally diagnosed with depression in late 2017, have been prescribed a plethora of ineffective antidepressants and was finally diagnosed with ADHD in late 2019. I'm on two different medications at the moment which have been effective.

This year was really important for me. After discontinuing every semester at uni since enrolling in 2017, due to not being able to study, I was really trying to attend university this year. The classes and study didn't matter, but I have been so socially isolated over the majority of my life (even from 13-17 I never did anything outside of school and would just stare out of the window dead inside), and thus actually physically attending university and trying to interact with people was meant to be my step up out of the hole I've dug myself in.

Now I have found myself in quite a rut. Although it is not as bad as I got earlier this year, especially with the gyms closing as strength training is my only activity that calms me down and allows me to work for something (I also can't run because of flat feet), I am just failing to keep moving. I feel myself physically shut down in the middle of the day, in a workout, anything. I have postponed exams in a week that I have yet to even learn the course for (one of which is from last semester), and I can't sleep. I can't focus, when I go to the gym I am exhausted and never manage to make any progress on my lifts. Along with the insane loneliness and inability to socialize following so many years without meaningful interaction, I just can't study and I can't manage my ADHD. I have started taking more of my medication to mitigate matters, but I think they just make things worse.

I am just so sad and lonely all the time. I recently began to fantasize about a pact from years ago to kill myself if things don't improve. It's been a while since I passionately looked forward to death, and I just feel so stuck again without productivity and succumbing to rumination.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Mantec,

We’re so grateful that you decided to reach out to our community here today, and we are so sorry to hear how difficult things are for you right now. We can hear that these feelings of loneliness and sadness must be so overwhelming to cope with, but we hope that you can find some comfort from our caring community here. These forums are a safe and supportive space to talk through these thoughts and feelings, and our communtiy us here to help offer as much advice and guidance to help you through this difficult time.

Our Support Service is also trying to reach out to you via email as we're worried about you. 
We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors at Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). The kind and understanding counsellors are available to you 24/7 as often as you need during overwhelming moments like these.

You're never alone in this, and we hope that you keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it. 

[mocha delight]

Hi mantec I’m so sorry to hear what your going through and despite all your problems your still here which says to me that your stronger then you think you may be but that’s just my opinion from reading your post. I may of not been through what you have been through but we all have problems but how we deal with them defines us. I have a learning disability, just on the autistic spectrum, been on blood pressure & cholesterol medication since just before or after I turned 19 (my cholesterol was at 17 when discovered and the highest my gp has ever seen) and finally I was diagnosed with coeliac disease & GORD (the autoimmune side of acid reflux) last year after dealing with a gastroenterologist who she was not very professional, looked down her nose at me and who completely mishandled my case who funny enough after I told my psychologist about everything that happened the psychologist basically said it sounded like your previous gastroenterologist she needed help mentally. The psych also said my grandmother is a narcissist just what I told her about my grandmother and that it sounds like an uncle of mine has psychosis.

[mocha delight]

I also have a cousin on one side of the family who has been diagnosed with depression and I’d say bipolar 1, another cousin with depression and a aunt with depression who I suspect has bipolar 1 as well and the narcissist grandmother & uncle who sounds like he has psychosis on the other side plus some other people from both sides of the family I suspect they have some kind of mental health problem/s but as far as I know not been diagnosed with anything.

[Jstar49]

Hi Mantec,

Hey hang in there, it sounds like you are very strong, as Mocha says, because it's not an easy path you are treading. It also sounds like you're very self -aware... you know what helps, and you know what doesn't help. It takes time to recover from any mental health issue, and this year has been a doozie, even without your history.

Are you expecting too much of yourself right now?

Maybe setting some small achievable goals could help. Perhaps you won't get your semester completed, but maybe you can achieve something else, like continuing your journey of recovery.

It's awful when you feel like you have no social life, and yet when I feel like that, it is the worst time for me to try and make friends or talk to anyone. What other interests do you have? Is there something that brings a buzz to your day? For me it's dancing. And I long to go dancing again, and be among people, but meanwhile, a dance in my loungeroom shakes it up and I feel a whole heap better.

This has been a year from hell, especially for those of us who tend to be isolated anyway, but things are looking up. Next year will hopefully be a much better year for studying! (My course went online for awhile- tafe, not uni- and everyone found it so hard)

I also like to visit our library when I'm feeling down and tongue tied- they are usually nice in there and I can just relax. Do you like books?

J*

[Guest_1643]

hey mantec -uni can be a lot less social then ppl hope for sadly with limited contact hours etc

but the gym is a great way to meet ppl and i can understand you are missing that

excercise connects ppl and i love that you enjoy strength training - is it something you can do now or is it still locked down when u are? sending care and support