I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Bbydoll · ‎23-12-2021

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

Bbydoll · ‎26-12-2021

Chris_Tas. The general public understand cancer. They don't understand auto immune disease or chronic long term health issues and pain. My blood related cousins have health issues but no where near the severity of mine AND they have support from their husband and husband's family.

I even managed to get ridiculed in public by my neighbors - 2 slightly older woman because my weight has ballooned because of medications and illness. Of course they blamed me for it, for stuffing my face.

Bbydoll · ‎29-12-2021

To add to all the stuff I've been posting. I've been very unwell with gallstone pain. My tummy has been so sore but not sore enough to be taken up to the emergency department. I can barely manage to eat anything without being in physical pain and end up hugging a heat pack and lieing down because it's the only way to relieve the pain. Everything I eat also brings on waves of nausea as well. Had several days of fever but that seems to have subsided.

This year is almost over; but even with covid I've achieved nothing. It feels like I'm waiting to die. Because there's not much to look forward too. Everytime I try and move forward with my life - my health (or myself) manages to ruin it so nothing happens. I'm so tired of being a failure - the last time I attempted to study at the local university campus. I missed the first week because of a cold (precovid). Went the entire second week. On the Monday of the 3rd week - I ended up in the emergency department with a suspected pulmonary embolism - although they did also find a blood clot in my leg as well. I was put onto blood thinners for 3 months which is standard treatment for this. I bled heavily for 3 months straight. I Ended up with 2 iron infusions and 2 blood transfusions - but they found antibodies within my blood, so it's now virtually impossible for me to ever receive another one because of this! So of course because I have no support, I had to stop going to uni. I wish I could say this was a rare event but this has been what my life has been like. ALL. MY. LIFE.

Bbydoll · ‎30-12-2021

So i wrote to my local member for parliament who forwarded my letter to the minister for health to try and get help with my teeth. But of course it's a dead end. They don't do crowns. Only take out teeth and do fillings. I can't afford over $4000 work of work. And that's provided they can save both of them. They will do full dentures but on a waiting list. This doesn't help me at all. I've been through too much to have to deal with this as well.

Bbydoll · ‎03-01-2022

I've begun binge eating again. Because that ties into my self loathing especially because I'm bound to gain extra weight, when I'm already at my heaviest and fast approaching a size 24. I went to the shops to get some groceries first thing this morning. Came home ate myself silly. Then have done 3 small loads of washing. But because of my chronic health - I have had to lie down whilst the washing is done in the machine because I am physically exhausted from the small walk I did this morning. Tomorrow I have an early appointment with my GP to get my monthly meds. Plus I will be discussing my flare of gallstones over Christmas - and hope that he doesn't prescribe anything else for that. I was supposed to see my new surgeon in December to discuss surgery for my gallstones - but put the money towards tickets to see moulin rouge in Sydney later in the year. Pretty dumb because I couldn't really afford it like everything else in my life. But I have been watching all the clips while it's been running in Melbourne when theater was actually up and running.

It's not like surgery will happen anyways, unless it becomes an emergency. I'm still waiting for 2 other separate surgeries but with covid happening - plus I'm sure there's a backlog of people needing surgery as well.

Guest_1055 · ‎04-01-2022

I am hearing you Bbydoll. Is it helping you to just vent it all out on here? Just dump everything out from within you. I feel all I can do is listen to you.

If you can make do financially, I say good on you for buying the theatre tickets. And gives you something to look forward to, and you do like that kind of stuff.

Bbydoll · ‎09-01-2022

Hi Shelll, thanks for reading my posts! And for replying to them. I can't afford the shows. Luckily, I've already paid for most of the shows in the previous 2 years, but because of covid they've been postponed until this year and of course there's no guarantees that they'll go ahead this time either.

I'm currently the heaviest I've ever been - and that includes when I was in my 30s and my weight balloned from medication. My back hurts so badly from the excess weight. I can't really go out right now because of the large numbers of covid cases and because I'm at risk of serious complications if I get covid. So that limits my exercise. One of my so called friends basically left me a message on Facebook - for everyone to see; saying that I shouldn't go to the shows because I'm at risk of getting covid. But I've already paid for these tickets!! So much for supportive friends. She has been stuck living with her mum in the country and doesn't have access to public transport like I do - and I think part of it is jealousy because she can't get out and about on her own. She has to rely on her mum to take her anywhere.

I hate the way I look. I hate being held back in my life because of my lousy health. I hate struggling financially. If I could physically work - I'd do literally anything. ANYTHING to get some money. I'm not qualified to do anything because I have never completed any courses because I have never been well enough to complete anything. I have a slow laptop but no money to pay for the Internet on it. My phone barely lasts more than an hour or two if I'm online and using it before it needs to be charged and when it does I can't use it

.. it needs to be replaced and I've told my brother this but of course he doesn't offer to help me either by lending me some money, so that I can do it or by buying a phone outright. I can get an advanced payment from centrelink to cover it but it means I'm down $100 each time I'm paid for the next 6 months!!!

Life is so unfair. Because I am constantly fighting just to survive and I'm so tired of fighting it. It's not like anyone in my life actually cares about me.

Guest_1055 · ‎11-01-2022

That's ok Bbydoll. Hey what made you call yourself Bbydoll? Just interested is all, it's such a cute name.

Yeah about the exercise... Just attempt to move around a bit even it is inside your place. If you are not doing that already that is. If you are physically able and willing maybe you could lift tins of food. Just use them like weights. Up down.. Up down. Might be fun.

Maybe this is not right I really don't know. And I hope I understand you ok. Wonder though instead of fighting... maybe simply accept all these limitations. And just work with what you are able to do and change little by little.

I am hearing you.... Do you think you have some hidden frustrations or anger deep inside you? Think it would be humanly normal if you did.

I really hope you get the opportunity to go to the theatre.

Much care to you Bbydoll

Shell 🙂

Bbydoll · ‎16-01-2022

Hi Shelll, bbydoll - is babydoll from a song😊

I've been dealing with a flare of fatigue at the moment - so I'm sleeping a lot. So not moving a great deal. I was supposed to see a musical last week but it's been postponed until next week - so I have 2 of them to go too; if I can manage it. Other than that I haven't left my apartment for anything else.

I'm massively frustrated with everything I'm dealing with. I'm in my 40s and have had health issues my entire life. And ever since I was a teenager; I've had to deal with it on my own with little to no support from everyone around me. I rarely bother askingfor help because there's always a reason why they can't do something. Not to mention that I have missed out on so much. I'll never have kids - and that kills me; because I have always wanted kids. I couldn't afford IVF; otherwise I would have done that years ago. I'm fairly certain that my body is already perimenopausal. And I don't have a partner either. I follow all my doctor's advice and still end up getting sicker year by year. So I have to rely on the government to be able to survive. And I hate it!!! If I could save enough for a holiday overseas (or if my brother paid for a trip overseas etc); I could only go overseas for 4 weeks - no longer; as they cut you off your payments. I hate not achieving anything. I hate having limits on what I can afford to do and see etc. I hate that because of my health issues I don't achieve anything

Guest_1055 · ‎16-01-2022

Ah I see about the Babydoll. Did you have one whilst growing up at all? I had a doll like a barbie doll kind.

Gee I hope you are able to go to the musical next week. And that you feel well enough to go. That would be so good wouldn't it... I have watched quite a few movies that were musicals. Have you? But it doesn't quite have the same atmosphere as a live performance I found.

I am sorry you were not able to have children. It can feel a bit like grief that one. Not sure what else to say about that... Just I am sorry.

I can see you hate it... Hate many aspects of your life.

I will write a bit more soon....

Guest_1055 · ‎17-01-2022

Can you look for 1 thing to be happy or thankful about each day? It may sound strange or maybe you have already done that sort of thing. It can be a challenge some days.

Anyways see you later Bbydoll

Shell