I feel worthless no matter what I do

[Jason-X]

I've tried therapy and medication. I'm at a loss at what to do with myself.

I work on projects or hobbies to try and distract myself but even then I feel nothing. I don't enjoy anything. I can spend hours working on something and can't feel proud about it. Even at work, it feels like I don't deserve the money I receive.

Every morning I wake up wishing I was dead.

When I look in the mirror I want to smash it. I hate that ugly person looking back at me. I hate everything about my appearance and who I am.

The only time I feel okay is when I'm living vicariously through others. I socialise to distract myself. The second I'm alone it all comes back. I wonder why people even put up with me. Is it out of pity? Is it because they don't know any better? Half the time I'm counting down how soon it'll be before they finally realise how worthless I am and leave me. Sometimes I wish they would. That way it'd be easier for me to off myself.

And no one knows this is how I feel. I keep up a happy façade and act like I'm okay. I'm too scared to tell anyone how I actually feel, I don't want them to leave me. I tried telling my mum - she told me I was ungrateful, an attention seeker. A loser. She said I'm unfixable and it's pointless trying to get better.

I don't want to live anymore but I'm too scared to try again. But I'm so tired of being alive and feeling awful all the time. What do I do? I've tried everything I can. I've asked for help, I've gotten on medication. What else is there to do? I really don't know what to do anymore.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Jason-X,

We’re happy you reached out for support today and are taking new steps to seek help. We’re hearing that you are in a really dark place at the moment, and we want to assure you that you are not alone. It can be difficult to find the right mix of support that can approach what we feel on the inside, it can be an arduous process to get that mix working for you and then experiencing an improvement within ourselves. We want to acknowledge that it can take multiple tries to get that combination working. We know that this can seem like an impossible task at times, but we feel that by reaching out today you are demonstrating a willingness to try again.
 
We are also reaching out to you privately with additional supports as we want to make sure you’re doing okay at this moment.  During difficult moments such as this one, you can always get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or Suicide Call Back (1300 659 467). We hope you keep checking in with the community here at the forum to let us know how you’re progressing.
 
If you feel you are unable to keep safe, we urge you to contact 000 to get the help you need.
 
 

[Aaronsis]

Hi Jason-X

Welcome, and thank you for sharing some honest feelings and thoughts here, it is not easy to address or even admit sometimes how bad things are. You have done a really great job of letting us know how you are feeling and I am so proud of you for reaching out here today.

This is a really safe place where you can be reminded that you do matter, your life is worthwhile, you are most certainly not a loser and that you are very fixable. Reaching out for help is one thing, then the finding of the right help for you, that works and that resonates for you is another. Sometimes it takes many many different therapists or doctors or counsellors to find the person with whom you connect. That is the key. Just in life, we do not get along with everyone, not everyone is our cup of tea, so we search for those that are. Please do not give up on your search for help, for the person that can help you as when you do find them, your whole journey will change, will begin and hope is right there.

I am so very sorry that these feelings of not being alive haunt you each morning, that must be so painful and also very exhausting, just to get through each day. Can I say to you though that you are making it through each day and this takes courage and persistence when you are feeling so very bad.

I was very happy to read though that you do get times of feeling somewhat happy and even if that is living through others joy or lives, at least there is a time when you are at peace with yourself and that is very important. I am also really pleased to hear that you do have people in your life that make you feel happy and that you can socialize with, another wonderful thing. I know it is easy for me to type that clearly your friends do love your company and chose to have you in their life, but I also understand that hearing this is just words and that you do feel like you are a total fraud or imposter. I am wondering if the reason why they don't leave you is that you are not infact worthless and that they actually like who you are and want you around? I know, also alot to believe when your thoughts tell you otherwise. BUT..your thoughts are just that, thoughts and they are not actions. Your friends are showing you actions but choosing to have you in their lives. That is real, not a thought.

I hope to chat to you some more and for you to know you can share what you need to here and that I am here with you to listen.

I am also a mum, you are not attention seeking.

Hugs

Sarah

[smallwolf]

Hi.

Sad to hear that your mum is not being very supportive of you. It can be difficult for some people to understand.

Many people here will have some understanding of where you are at - not finding enjoyment in anything, not looking forward to each day. What sort of things would give you enjoyment? At one time I would go on a walk with my phone out of action. For me a coffee would be a moment. I would have to write that down. Small moments lead to others. I guess most importantly is having someone or a place where you can unload. Maybe you could tell a little more of your story here? Change takes time and I hope you might allow us to be with you for part of this journey.

[therising]

Hi Jason

My heart truly goes out to you. The depths of depression is such an incredibly torturous place to be. No one can fully understand what it can be like unless they've been there.

In speaking from the experience of having spent 15 years in depression as well as having eventually come out of it, one important factor I feel the need to mention relates to anti depressants. Don't waste time on meds that don't work. Of course, it's important to give a new one a chance but any that don't eventually work can become nothing but depressing. I remember thinking 'What's wrong with me? Am I too broken for meds to work?' It's really about finding the right chemical reaction. You're ingesting chemistry in the form of a tablet, in order to tweak your own chemistry. You'll know when you've found the right chemical reaction. Personally, I only ever found 1 med that worked out of about 5. It was the 1st one but it stopped working when my own chemistry changed after having my 1st child. If you've been on your current med for a while with no positive impact, I'd say it's time to try a new one that's more energising. Don't waste anymore time on this one. Should mention too, you'll know if your therapist is having no impact. You'll feel no impact. With a highly inspiring therapist, they'll trigger the feeling of inspiration, no matter how down we are. It's a beautiful feeling when it comes, even if it's just for a few seconds.

I've come to understand over the years that 'feelings' are highly underrated. Looking back at my depression, I can now tell you who brought me down, who left me vibing at the same depressing level, who left me feeling exhausted and who inspired me or naturally energised me. It's kind of like you get a feel for these people and their impact on you. If you're a sensitive person, it should be easy to feel these things. Eg: If you recall your mum's depressing words, how did you physically feel when she spoke them? How did your chest and throat feel? Did you feel 'heartbreak' and 'a little choked up'? Did you feel the churning (in your abdomen) of anger/intolerance perhaps? Did you truly feel what 'down' or 'intolerance' feels like?

'I can feel what you're doing to me' becomes significant on the path to discovering who you naturally are. It's like having a compass that directs you away from some people and leads you toward the ones who you feel making a positive difference. 'Who do I naturally feel drawn to and why?' is a good question to ask.

🙂

[Here2Talk]

Hi Jason,

some good points above - what your Mum has said to you is horrible.

Also, there must be some good things about you if your friends talk to you.

One other thing is that someone suggested you haven’t found the right therapist yet. Therapy is unique in that the quality of that human relationship, and the length over time that it exists, is correlated to how well you do over time. There needs to be a perfect mix of chemistry, empathy and honesty for this kind of relationship to be useful. And there are many out there. Please do seek out a different therapist if you can....

I would love to talk with you also to help you through this difficult time in your mind, so please keep chatting here if this is something you’d like. I sure have felt - and still do sometimes - worthless and ugly and like there’s little point to life.

Take care.