I feel broken

Featherless

I'm really sorry for such a long text but I don't know who to talk to about this at all.

I don't have some sort of serious medical issue or diagnosed problems. I'm quite young and on the outside, it would seem like I have a great life. But I have suicidal and self-harm thoughts. I know I'm too much of a coward to actually do it, but sometimes,. I sometimes just break down and cry, but only quietly and when I'm alone. I'm not under a lot of school pressure, but I always feel a weight on my shoulders. I do dance, and I feel pressured by my mother (whom I asked for help) to be better and try harder. I know I asked her for help first, but I can't take it. My knees are bruised and painful, my shoulder is red, and my heart just can't take it. It sounds shallow. Simple. Petty. But I can't. My work isn't be appreciated. My effort isn't being acknowledged. I'm constantly being told 'you're not even trying that hard' whenever I try to be vulnerable or explain myself.

It's right. I'm not trying as hard as I know I could be. But I'm still trying. Spending hours. Until I'm dizzy. Until I hear something crack. And I wake up in pain every day, but keep going. I'm burnt out.

It's not just that. Sometimes, I sit in a dark room alone for hours, feeling utterly empty and broken and wanting to end everything for no reason. Every bad thing that happened to me feels like a dream. A nightmare.

I don't even have that big of a problem in life. People are out suffering worse. People are dying. And I'm here crying because I'm tired.

I need to pull myself together. But I can't. I just want to let myself go and let my mind shatter into a million pieces. I'm so tired. I'm so broken. I want to die but know I won't.

Sophie_M

Hi Featherless,

Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. We can hear you’ve been having thoughts of suicide and self-harm, and although you have said you wont act on them we are still concerned with how you are feeling and coping with all of this. We strongly encourage you to get support as soon as possible. Support can help to keep you safe and feel better. It sounds like you’re going through a really difficult time, and we can hear your situation is really having an impact on how you’re feeling day-to-day.

We’ve reached out to you privately by email to check you’re ok. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give our counsellors a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636, and the team are really good at talking people through moments like this and working out options for more support.

If you’re feeling suicidal, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

It also sounds like the Beyond Now suicide safety planning app may be a helpful resource to you. You can read about how it works and where to download it here:https://www.lifeline.org.au/get-help/beyond-now/. You can even call Lifeline on 13 11 14 and compete it together with one of their counsellors over the phone.

We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. We’re sure we’ll hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re an amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.

Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

therising

Hi Featherless

I believe it doesn't matter how old we are, when we face a first time challenge there's no denying how much we can really feel that challenge at times. Whether it's the first time we've faced the loss of a person we love or the first time we face a job interview and the overwhelming stress that could possibly be felt in the lead up to it and throughout it, we will feel such things. Then there is the fact that some people are feelers and some simply aren't. From one extreme to the other, some people have the ability to feel just about everything and some next to nothing. I've found it pays to ask 'Do I have the ability to feel just about everything?'.

If you have the ability to feel just about everything, the question then becomes 'What is it I'm feeling exactly or what am I feeling the side effects of?'. For example

Am I feeling what 'No sense of direction' feels like? Do I need a really good guide at this point in my life?
Am I feeling what 'Exhaustion' feels like? Do I need to address energy issues? Am I putting enough energy into myself?
Am I feeling what 'Imbalance' feels like? When imagining a set of scales, is there too much hard work on one side, outweighing relaxation time or adventure time with friends or free time of some sort? Is it time to address the imbalance?
Am I feeling what energy zapping 'Low levels of B12 or Iron etc' feels like? Is there a need to see if there's anything revealing in blood tests that could explain my low energy levels and inability to cope with what requires a lot of energy? Do I need to see my doctor?
Am I feeling what 'My inner dialogue' or 'What runs through my imagination' feels like? If my inner dialogue sounds like 'I'm hopeless' or my imagination is leading me to see depressing stuff, am I feeling what I hear and see? Do I need to hear and see differently, in new ways?

I could go on but you can see how easy it can be for a deeply feeling person to feel so much. From what's in the mind to what is physical/chemical through to what can even be soulful factors, there is just so much to feel.

Another way of putting all this is 'What can I sense that's leading me to feel down?'. While some may say to us 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up', I prefer to wonder 'What is it I'm actually sensing?'. I believe we can either master our sensitivity (ability to sense) or we can be conditioned to 'toughen up' and largely switch it off. I much prefer to master it. I've found sensitivity has more so a volume dial. It can be about managing the volume of what we feel rather than managing an on/off switch 😊