(For the record I don't intend to kill myself, I don't have any specific plans on that and I am in a safe place)
I'm tired. I'm so tired. I've fought so hard, and for so long. My family abused me, so I found friends. That was incredibly difficult to achieve as I was crawling out of a pit of depression. Then after all that, I discovered I was worth nothing to people who meant everything to me. One of my friends tried to hurt someone and did specific things to ruin my life specifically (I found out about both things at the same time. I didn't just draw the line when he turned on me). My 'friends' admitted he was entirely in the wrong, then cut me out of their lives. You'd think I murdered someone. But nope. I'm just me. Apparently being an introvert struggling with depression and loneliness is worse than what they did.
Everywhere I go I wonder, will people tolerate me, or will they hate me? I've left two jobs because I was treated like a leper. In one of them - I know it sounds arrogant but it's the truth - I was single handedly keeping the department going but my boss and most people there hated me. Someone refuses to do work for 6 hours? No problem. My desk is untidy? Time to treat me like shit. Because I'm not a likeable person. Doesn't matter what I do. I've settled at my current job because I'm tolerated. They're nice people, and easy to work with. They don't want to be around me though. They always hesitate to invite me to things try to avoid it entirely. And if I'm there, I'm treated like a piece of furniture. No one wants to talk to me. And before people say "oh you've just got to work on getting better at talking to people and being more charismatic" or something, I did that. I already did it. And it didn't matter.
I've given up on having a partner too. I only even had my first girlfriend at 21. The only girls who are ever interested in me either have low self esteem and feel like they have no choice but to settle on me, or they've had their own mental issues and have learned not to judge. To the rest, I'm weak. I'm a thing. To everyone really.
I'm tired. I've had enough. And I'm not religious. I know there's no happy place waiting for me after death. And I still want to die. I just don't want to be in pain anymore. I tried. I fought. I gave it everything I had. And I lost.
