I don't really see a point in living at all. Existential/nihilistic crisis, I guess?

[Guest_39137288]

I don't see any meaning in life and don't really want to live anymore. I've been questioning why I do anything at all since I was a young teenager. At some point, I think I came to the conclusion: "I should live to make myself happy and/or make other people happy" And that must have worked for a while...

But now, I'm questioning: "Why does happiness matter?"
After all, suspending any beliefs beyond the physical world, when one abstracts happiness to its basic components; is it not just "The right neurons releasing the right neurotransmitters at the right time"?

Why do I even exist in the first place? Being an atheist, I believe I came from a line of species that was most fit to survive in their environment at the time. I believe that line of species originates from some kind of primordial soup. In that primordial would have been a simpler form of life, such as bacteria: Cells without a brain, without will, "alive" because the metabolic reactions taking place in and around them sustain themselves.
That's all I think they were, self-sustaining metabolic reactions. The result of the laws of chemistry just simply existing. This is what I believe I am.

This makes me think there is no point in life and I'm just the result of natural selection after the laws of chemistry/physics.
But, I'm not just some unembodied consciousness drifting in a void, I'm a human in a body, a brain: I have emotions. I still feel sadness and inevitably will, but I don't see a point in suffering through it. So, why not just die?

I mean, there's totally more questions to be asked though, like:
How/Why does this universe even exist in the first place?
How/Why are physics and chemistry like that?
If happiness can be abstracted to a bunch of chemicals (i.e. neurotransmitters) at the right place/time, what can the particles that make the atoms that make those chemicals be abstracted to? (I have no clue)
Is there any meaning in the answers to these questions?

On a more personal note: I began socially withdrawing 2 years ago, I started SHing about 4 months ago and I feel like I might allow myself to die if I can't see a reason to live or at the very least, feel motivated enough to live. I have people in my life who miss me and be affected by my death, so I'd like to avoid going through with that... But I guess, if I look at what I've been typing, It wouldn't really matter...

If you guys have anything to say; philosophical, anecdotal or otherwise: Please do, I would love to hear it.
thx 4 reading my super long post.

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to such a thoughtful person.

Amongst those who suffer the most can be those who wonder or question the most. Without people to wonder and question with them, it can feel so empty and even lonely sometimes. On the other hand, get a group of wonderers, questioners (on a quest for answers) or philosophers together and it can become an emotional passionate discussion. Personally, I'm a gal who can't help but wonder, question and philosophise, something that all started when I came out of long term depression at the age of 35. I'm now 53. So, lots of time to wonder.

'Based on my own experience...' can be a key term in regard to greater understanding. For example, based on my own experience

• I've discovered a rabbit hole of greater self understanding. What is our self, as a body, a mind and perhaps something more? If I say 'My mind can do this...'. 'My body can do that...'. What is saying 'My'? Another way to put it is 'If I have the software and I have the hardware, what part of me's behind the keyboard, making the magic happen?'. Call it 'soul' or call it a self regulating program (part of the software, with nothing behind the keyboard). Either way, call it what you will. If I call it 'soul' or 'natural' self, I do so based on fascination and curiosity. So, the rabbit hole splits into 3 tunnels or channels of information in regard to self discovery and greater self understanding
• through research I've found quantum physics dictates we're energetic creatures. We work based on energy. Areas of energy study include cellular, chemical, kinetic, hydro, thought and more. Incoming, outgoing, conduction etc. Depending on which channel you take, there'll be information about how specific types of energy and energy systems work (mental, physical and natural)
• through intersecting points, where all 3 channels intersect, I've discovered greater definition regarding things that once had little to no definition. Take the 'L' word, for example. Mentally, love is based on beliefs, what we think it is or have learned it is. To some degree, love is a mental program. Sounds a bit cold, hey. Physically, a lot of it relates to oxytocin and other chemistry. Naturally, it can be found in evolution. If I'm depressed and you hug me intensely and tell me you love me over and over, I will not feel the experience of love but if you raise me, leading me to evolve above and beyond that depression, I will feel love partly as a soulful or natural experience that goes beyond chemistry and belief. This is my experience

Just a few experiences there.

So, why are we here? Everyone's got a theory. They're all just theories, so take your pick and see what resonates. Some theorise we're here for no good reason, some may say we're here to be of service to others, some may say we're here to develop self understanding and some may suggest we're to experience how our energy works while discovering exactly what we can do with it. Emotion or energy in motion can be felt and each type of energy in motion has a name on the energy spectrum (from 'pure sadness' all the way up to 'pure joy' or 'elation'). Whether 'feeling the vibe' (or not) is a soulful or natural thing or we relate it to the feel of certain cellular frequencies and vibrations within the body and all that kind of stuff, the more sensitive a person is the more easily they can feel particular energies. Sensitive people are fascinating people. As I say, everyone's got a theory as to why we're here. Who knows. So much to wonder about. 🙂

[Guest_63417593]

Sounds ilke me 

[Guest_27104948]

heya! I think I'm kind of late now but genuinely I used to think like this and was severely depressed... I wasn't ever diagnosed as a disclaimer but I feel that I was idk. Anyway, as someone who also used to think about the pointlessness of life, I can see where you are coming from. I'm not sure if I'm doing better but I've been distracted with exams and stuff so I don't have time to have those kinds of thoughts. I guess what I can say now is that it's not that I don't think life is pointless but I think I can make life worth living. I'm going on a bit of a rant here but during the times I thought as you do, I felt confined by the rigid life that I was living and that society was telling me to live. At that time I wanted nothing more than to go and live in the mountains in a little cottage not having to study or work hard just exist in the natural world. . I guess now it's like my parents have done so much for me I want to give back to them so I'm living. and then it's that as long as stupid humans don't ruin the ecosystem, I love sunny days and looking out the window to see lots of green trees under a bright blue sky. Sounds stupid ik but I'm someone who likes small quiet moments (and nature) so I guess I use that to find peace and happiness. I'm sorry I would've been able to relate and have a banger conversation with you if this was earlier but I guess now I just wanna say it will get better. I have faith that it will get better for you. It won't be perfect but it will be enough I have my grad this year so there are a lot of milestones to be reached. Sure the pressure is getting to me but I believe these fun experiences are worth it. I hope you feel the same way soon. oh, and one very last thing. I think you are so super awesome cool for thinking in such a deep and philosophical way! trust me when I say not everyone does....