I don't know where my thoughts come from or how to escape them

dingdongtoaster

Hi. I've never posted on a Beyond Blue forum before, nor have I really reached out for professional psychological help either. I've seen my GP once to get a mental health plan, but I've never actually used it. I don't know why exactly, maybe a combination of helplessness and laziness. I'd also like to say I'd normally consider myself a really upbeat and joyful person, and that is why I don't know how to traverse these feelings.

I'm 21 and studying Criminology and Data Analytics at university. I'm enjoying it, but I have had to stop and start my degree so many times now that I feel absolutely useless. I get insane imposter syndrome, constantly thinking that when, if I even do graduate, I'm gonna be completely unemployable because there are so many better people than me. I have a government job interview coming up and can't stop thinking that I'm not going to get the role because I'm in over my head.

The last year and a bit has been rough for me. I've had a medical episode (not related to my mental health), and barely made any money after having to leave a job that I really enjoyed because they shut down at the start of 2025. I've been stuck in a loop of working in hospitality bar and pub jobs. It's absolutely draining. I hate the hours, I hate the work, the people I'm working with are nice enough but there is just a vibe around hospitality venues that I can't shake off. It makes me feel unbelievably miserable. God I fucking hate it so much. I'd take a retail job back in a heartbeat but I can't seem to catch a break in the rejection emails I get when I apply to a retail role.

At night time I get pretty regular suicidal thoughts. Not violent thoughts, I don't want to harm myself at all, but the feeling of absolute freedom that suicide provides me is dangerously comforting. I've never attempted or even humoured the thought of attempting, though. I love my family, and the last thing I'd want is for my mom, dad or brother to find out what happened to me. Hell, even my dog. But I've had these thoughts for a while now. I thought they would pass but they seem to have lingered and gotten more consistent. I think primarily my biggest issue right now is how much I hate my job, but I know these thoughts extend to something deeper that I can't identify.

I really struggle with the idea of going to a psychologist though. I don't know why.

I don't know why I posted this. Thanks if you read it.

Eagle Ray

Dear dingdongtoaster,

Welcome and thank you for sharing your experiences, feelings and thoughts. I think what you describe is not unusual, where there are suicidal thoughts but it doesn't seem to add up with your nature, which is normally upbeat and joyful. I can certainly relate to that combination of feelings that seem incongruous.

I think we can have one part of us that is persevering in life and is optimistic, which can be our adaptation to the world and way of navigating our way through it. The positivity can also be a core part of the personality and a great part to have. But sometimes, within it all, we are struggling as well. The fact you have had to stop and start your studies has probably led to those feelings of anxiety about future work, and then dealing with a medical episode really wouldn't have helped the situation. Then really not liking your job and not having been able to change jobs yet, it probably feels like you are currently really stuck. In my own experience the suicidal feelings have often emerged when it has felt like there is no way out, like a feeling of entrapment. In reality, there are ways out and things are not so dire and are not permanent, but I think subconscious parts of ourselves run in the background and can build up, such as self-doubt and self-criticism, along with a sense that things might not change, when in fact they can. So sometimes our outward facing positive self can be in contrast to our inner critic or vulnerable self. Befriending and getting to know and support the vulnerable self can really help.

It could really help to talk things through with a psychologist but I understand the reticence about seeing one. It's really important to find one who you connect with and who is attuned to you. I know this from personal experience and the difference between a psychologist who is really present with you and one who isn't. It can certainly feel vulnerable seeking therapy, but I would say trust your instincts and intuition. If the first person doesn't feel right you don't have to continue and it is well within your power to try someone else.

A possible first step could be chatting on a helpline which might help to get used to speaking with someone about your situation, such as Lifeline or Beyond Blue. I personally find Lifeline easier because you get to go straight into talking with someone rather than having to answer a series of questions first, which for me is really difficult, but it may be fine for you. I have found just having that human connection helps a lot. Sometimes you get a counsellor who isn't so good, but in general I have found there are some really kind and supportive people out there on the end of the line. And even if one call doesn't seem so helpful, I have found just pausing for a bit and calling again usually leads to a fruitful and supportive conversation.

Those are just some thoughts. You are welcome to post any time and keep chatting if you want to. The fact you are reaching out and exploring what is happening with you is great.

Take care,

Eagle Ray

therising

Hi dingdongtoaster

What an absolutely fascinating area of study, criminology. Human nature is a fascinating thing, that's for sure. I imagine you have a great sense of wonder, to be investing your time and interest in such a field. Personally, I've found that while I can wonder about a whole stack of things and people, one area where I get seriously stuck at times involves my self. Not sure whether you can relate but it's like 'It makes sense to me why that person thinks the way they do, feels the way they do and why they've come to act in the ways they do but I have absolutely zero idea when it comes to a lot of my own thoughts, feelings and actions. What the hell is my deal?'. Definitely not easy to work ourself out at times. As a 55yo gal, it took me decades to finally reach the conclusion that in order to better understand how I tick, in a whole variety of ways, I have to become fascinated by the subject (me). A level of enthusiasm, a serious sense of wonder and a passion for better understanding ourself has to be present. What is absolutely key to unlocking so many amazing revelations can involve finding someone who's prepared to wonder with us and/or present us with the most constructive things to wonder about (when it comes to how we tick).

When it comes to employing someone to wonder about how and why we tick the way we do, a psychologist would be one detective. Looking for clues, it's their job to rule in and rule out the usual suspects. It's their job to dig deeper and find more telling clues. Whether we employ a 'textbook detective' (someone who only practices what they learned in books at uni) or we employ a more intuitive detective, the results will be different to varying degrees. We can also be our own detective at times too. Plenty of resources out there. One of the best books I've ever read in the way of self understanding would have to be 'Insanely Gifted: Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto. With a great sense of humour, Catto leads the reader to imagine there are many facets to us. While the stresser or the brutal inner critic in us may resemble a seriously buff gym goer, based on it having a regular workout every day, the facets that help bring the criminologist in us to life may be yet to have a serious daily workout. In other words, the brilliant criminologist in us is well and truly there, it's just underdeveloped.

I deeply admire anyone who can work with the general public. I just can't do it and haven't done it since I was 20. I don't believe it's in my nature. I believe we can feel what's not in our nature. Such things can feel stressful, aggravating, depressing and more. Definitely a vibe. It can be so challenging to live with or manage what feels so unnatural to us. Discovering, day by day, who we naturally are can take a lifetime.