I don’t know how to stop

[Unkown_10]

I’m a 14 year old female and I’ve been struggling with mental health since I was 11.

Last year I was severely bullied, I had just started high school and it seemed like I was the perfect target. Months on months of relentless taunting and harsh comments said towards me and one day I just couldn’t take it anymore. I hated feeling like crap all the time, so I started harming myself as a way to cope. At the time, it felt like the only way to distract myself from the pain. I was feeling inside.
Now, over a year later and I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle I don't know how to break. I still use this behavior to cope, even though I know it's not helping in the long run. It's become a way to feel something or punish myself for feeling empty or numb. I hate this feeling and I don't know how to stop.

The first time I ended up needing medical care because of this, I remember seeing how upset my mum was. I've never forgotten that moment, I have never felt more guilt in my life. I want to change, but it's so hard when these feelings take over

Now I feel trapped and desperate. I know it doesn't make sense but I can’t seem to stop.

Please someone tell me how I can move forward.

[indigo22]

Hello,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out.

I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time, I hope I can help.

At the moment you are limited with your options due to your age. Have you talked openly with your mum about the fact that this is still occurring? You really need to work through this with a professional who can help you with all the underlying emotions that are prompting the self-harm.

If you don't feel comfortable talking with your mum, is there anyone else in your family you could reach out to?

At the very least, you could have a talk with Kid's Helpline, they deal with all sorts of mental health issues with young people all the time. They are available 24/7 and are available to young people up to 25 years of age.

1800 551 800

Please put the number in your phone (assuming you have one) so you can call them when you are feeling the urge to self-harm. They will be able to advise you on supports that are available to you.

I hope this helps a little, please let me know how you are going.

Thinking of you,

indigo 

[therising]

Hi Unknown_10

I'm wondering whether Indigo's idea of speaking to your mum is the best way to go, for a start. Being a mum myself, it's our job to guide our kids in the best direction. If that direction is toward greater self understanding, perhaps she can help you find someone (such as a mental health professional) who can help you better understand why you think and feel the way you do. With some idea as to why people start self harming, it may not always be easy for them to work out why they continue. In some cases the thing or things that are needed to be adopted, to help them stop, haven't been put in place yet. Figuring out what those things are can be a part of the challenge.

In regard to my 19yo son, I wish I knew throughout his years of facing bullies at school what I've gradually come to now understand. I've led him to understand he has an ability that not everyone has. He has the ability to sense rather easily and deeply. While he's managed to learn the art of emotional detachment, so as not to sense or feel so much, sometimes he struggles with this too. It definitely takes a lot of skill and practice to manage a spectrum where at one end there is the intense ability to feel just about everything, all the way through to the other end which involves switching off completely. Btw, another way of looking at sensitivity is 'the ability to sense'. It can be a bit of a superpower at times. To offer an example...

If I said to you 'There are 100 people inside that room and I need you to go in and then come out and tell me who you could sense as being degrading, who you could sense as being arrogant and who you could sense as being soul destroying', I bet you could do it easily, based on your experience with degrading, arrogant and soul destroying people. Over time, you've developed the ability to feel the nature of such people. Not everyone would be able to tell me who's who in that room but I bet you could, just as I bet my son could. You can feel them. When bullies pick a target, they tend to narrow in on the people who can sense easily. Being able to express what you're sensing (back at them) is a next level challenge. Being able to say to an abusive, degrading, depressing and stressful person 'You know I can feel you being abusive and depressing. What the hell is up with that? Why the heck would you want to be a mentally disturbing person? You do realise that's seriously messed up stuff'.

If you're someone who can feel people's moods, feel their nature, feel the words they say to you and so much more, it can take a lot of hard work and skill when it comes to becoming a pro at it, in ways that'll come to really serve you. I can easily imagine your potential in regard to becoming a master. You're part of the way there. Insensitive people, on the other hand, won't be able to sense or feel anywhere near as well as you do. They just don't have the ability. This is what makes you so special 😊

[Unigurl18]

Hi, 

I know it won’t mean much but when I was in primary and high school, I was bullied relentlessly and never really made any friends (I’m 18 now). I have been where you are and I am so sorry to hear that you are going through it. A piece of advice that I was given is that although you may feel broken down now, it won’t be forever, and that when it is over, it will just be a memory in the rear view. 
Know that your mum is most likely only upset because she cares and worries about you (I don’t know your family situation so that’s what I’m assuming) but you shouldn’t feel guilt for this (I know it seems impossible) and there are people out there who genuinely care about you and want to make sure your okay. 
Again, I don’t know about your situation, but when I finished high school I had a major breakdown and was put on some medication that has helped to balance me out, I would probably suggest looking into something like that. 
Those bullies aren’t worth your tears, pain or life, I beg you if you take nothing else away from this post, don’t let them take your power by having this much influence over your life. 
I hope you feel even slightly comforted, Trust me, it will eventually get better, it’ll just take time.

[just-a-Dad]

such a hard place in your life,

feelings of emptiness come from the thought that no one understands you, being bullied doesn't help either,

nothing wrong with getting help from professionals.

everyone needs help at some point in their lives.

i did self harm when i was your age its confusing when you are a kid.

you keep strong and reach out to youth workers, school care team, kids help line etc.

your mum probably thinks she is failing you and it could be heart breaking for her;

keep strong and be positive about getting help and involve her in a supportive way.

work together on this but still have private sessions with the professionals as well.

just Rember the world is a place when you smile.